The Museum of Modern Love(38)

‘Do the cadavers you work on have names still? Are they John or Nancy?’

‘No, they have codes.’

‘Is it yours then, for the duration—the body?’ he asked.

‘Yes, but we share them. There are two of us working on ours. And the third-year students have already removed the face and explored the head. At first we had one that didn’t have much muscle so we got another one. Most of them die quite old so there’s not much muscle left.’

‘Of natural circumstances?’ he asked with a smile.

‘I think they have to die a certain way for them to be suitable,’ she said, frowning slightly. Clearly this wasn’t an area where jokes were made.

‘Is it possible to go all day without urinating?’ he asked.

‘If you don’t drink,’ she said, ‘but I think it would be hard. You mean Marina Abramovi?, right? We’ve been talking about it at school. I mean, she’s got to be getting dehydrated. Unless she drinks all night, but she couldn’t stay awake all day if she did that. We’re all betting she has a catheter. Has she done something like this before?’

‘I don’t really know very much about her,’ he said. ‘Do you want to go together one day?’

‘And see the nudes upstairs?’ She smiled.

‘If I must.’

‘I’ll think about it. I’m so busy.’

‘Okay,’ he said.

‘I saw Healayas the other day,’ Alice told him, scraping the last of the chocolate cake and ice cream off the plate. ‘Have you seen her? Are you guys doing the club again through summer?’

‘No. I haven’t seen any of them since . . .’ Levin trailed off. ‘It’s probably too late.’

‘You should. It’s such a good gig.’

‘Would you come play with us some time?’

‘Hmmm . . .’ She looked away.

‘This is what Mom wanted, Alice,’ he said. ‘As the person with power of attorney, you know that better than anyone.’

‘Yes,’ she said, turning to him again. ‘But how would any of us know that’s what she wants?’

‘Well, she put it in writing—she made it legal.’

‘That was when she was well. That was before she stopped being able to change her mind.’

‘Do you think she wants to change her mind?’

‘I don’t know,’ Alice said and tears filled her eyes.

‘What would you have me do?’ he asked, finishing his espresso.

Alice said, ‘I just feel like she’s so alone out there and I can’t visit every weekend.’

Across the room a baby had started crying. The noise penetrated Levin’s ear with a particular ferocity.

‘Shall we go?’ he asked.

On the sidewalk she kissed his cheek and said, ‘You know, Dad, I’m not really okay about any of this. I just have to keep trusting it will all work out.’

‘Okay,’ he said.

‘So, thanks for dinner.’

She walked away and he wanted to cry then. It wasn’t okay with him either and he didn’t trust it would work out. He wanted it to be like it was. He wanted Lydia to come home and see the way he’d arranged everything. He wanted her there in the morning drying her hair on a towel. He wanted her voice on the other end of the phone talking about what they would have for dinner. Maybe if the Kawa score earned him nominations . . . maybe if his new album took off . . . He needed some sort of sign. But without stars, or God, there was nothing to wish upon and nowhere to ask for help.





THE NEXT MORNING, HE TOOK an early Skype call from the film director, Seiji Isoda, in Tokyo. Then he carefully arranged the three pillows on the chair again, red, red and red, then the round white pillow and the long black cashmere scarf for Abramovi?’s hair.

‘Good morning,’ he said. I’m frightened of a pillow, he thought. But why was he frightened? Was he always frightened? Yes, he thought with startling clarity. I am always frightened. He wanted to forget that thought right away.

He wasn’t a bigger man. He knew that. He was an average man, and something was wrong with him. Where was the feeling that everything was alright? Surely by fifty you were meant to have that locked in?

Who was he, when all was said and done? Who did people see when they saw him? People said he had nice eyes. Would Marina think he had nice eyes? He wasn’t impressively tall. He wasn’t impressively handsome. Lydia used to remind him to smile. ‘You know, you even frown in your sleep,’ she said. ‘And I whisper to you that I love you, and sometimes your frown goes away.’

She had been certainty. When everything fell apart, she would be there. It was partly why he always felt so angry when she got sick. He didn’t like that the whole world wobbled when that happened, and he felt small. Small and alone. And now everyone knew. They knew that somehow he had failed Lydia. When she might have needed him the way couples seemed to do when life got tough, she had shunted him to the side.

He continued to gaze at the pillow face and imagined the dark eyes of Marina Abramovi? looking back at him. Today he felt more comfortable on the chair. There was a blade of sunshine coming in across the floor and illuminating the edge of the Danish dining table. He liked nice things. He liked the things they had bought that would always have style.