The Mersey Daughter (Empire Street #3)(89)

Kitty shrugged as if she didn’t mind either way. Laura cautiously tried the door and it swung open, revealing the large room in darkness, except for at one end where the blackout blind had been removed to let light in for the early shift and the moonlight streamed in. She led them to where the silvery beam picked out the shapes of the functional chairs and tables and sat down, letting Kitty take her place opposite.

Kitty sighed and rested her head in her hands. Then she looked up. ‘Do you think I should go to the funeral?’ she asked abruptly.

Laura thought for a moment. ‘Do you want to?’ she asked.

‘I don’t think so,’ said Kitty at once. Then she softened. ‘I’m not really sure. His parents have written to ask me, you see. It’s going to be at their parish church in Hampstead. It will be all his family and whoever is left in London from when he did his training. It’s going to be everyone who knew him from before, from when he was engaged to the professor’s daughter. I’d have to ask for special leave.’

‘What about Bill? He’ll be going,’ Laura pointed out.

Kitty gave a long sigh. ‘I know, he’s bound to. But it won’t feel like anything to do with me. Do you reckon they’ll think badly of me if I don’t go?’

‘None of their business,’ Laura said robustly. ‘You have to do what you think is right. I’m sure nobody will blame you. If you feel you want to go, or that you should go, I’ll come too. I bet Marjorie will as well. After all, we knew him. But if you’d rather not, then don’t.’

‘I don’t think I could bear to,’ Kitty said, trying to explain her feelings when she wasn’t really sure of them herself. ‘I mean, what a way to meet his parents. After all our plans for the weekend, when it was going to be like a celebration. It’s too much. I don’t think I can stand there and shake their hands and have them looking at me wondering what I’m like. Not without him there too.’

Laura nodded slowly. ‘Well, you don’t have to make up your mind tonight. Think about it and let me know if you’d like me to come. It might help. You know. Make it seem more final and all that.’

‘It feels final all right,’ Kitty said disconsolately. ‘It’s sunk in now and there’s nothing I can do to change it. It’s as if I’ve been hollowed out from inside somehow. Some major part of me is missing. I can’t shift the feeling.’

‘Early days yet,’ Laura said, reaching for her hand. ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. It would be stranger if you felt all right, if you were running around as usual. It’s perfectly normal to be like this – you’ve lost your chap and he was a wonderful man, no doubt about it. It’s not fair, but life isn’t, is it? When you think of all the cads and the spivs, or the cowards, it’s not right that one of the good ones has to die. I’m so sorry.’

Kitty suddenly thought of Alfie Delaney and Charlie Kennedy, two of the most despicable men she knew, still to the best of her knowledge alive and well and taking advantage of everyone back home. She shook her head. ‘He was one of the good ones, wasn’t he?’ she said quietly. ‘Everyone knew it. He never lost his temper; always had something nice to say about everyone; never avoided his duty, no matter how tired he was, he just kept on going. Till that bomb got him.’ She let out a sob. ‘Oh Laura, I feel so heartbroken, but the funny thing is, I’m not sure I was in love with Elliott, though I was so fond of him, and if we’d had the chance I think I might have fallen for him properly, but I was too busy worrying about whether I was good enough for him – I wasted that short time we had together fretting.’

‘Oh Kitty, feelings are funny things. Falling in love doesn’t always happen immediately. Everyone who knew you both could see that you adored each other,’ Laura reminded her.

‘Elliott was so good to me. He showed me that I could be somebody different … that there was more out there in the world for me if I was brave enough to look for it … and now he’s gone and I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it.’

‘There, there, Kitty, there’s no point trying to predict the future.’ Laura was anxious for her friend. Kitty was such a gentle and kind soul, who felt things deeply. She cursed the war and that blasted Hitler who had thrown so much pain and heartache their way. ‘Come on, let’s go back to the dormitory. See if you can sleep a bit now.’

Kitty dragged herself to her feet. ‘Thanks, Laura,’ she said, tired but meaning it. ‘I know I shouldn’t rush into any decisions now about the funeral. Heaven knows there are plenty of other people in the same boat as me – and worse, in fact. I’ll go where the navy needs me now. That’s the best thing I can do to honour Elliott’s memory – to do my duty too, wherever I’m called to go.’

‘Come on then, Kitty. There’s no way you can do your duty if you haven’t slept,’ Laura urged her gently and, taking her friend’s arm, she led her back up the stairs to the dormitory.

Rita held open the door to the kitchen as Ruby carefully tried to manoeuvre her way inside, uncertain of her balance on the crutches. The small space was crowded enough when there was more than one person in the room, but with somebody on crutches it was twice as tricky. Eventually Ruby managed to get to the table and slowly sat down on one of the hard chairs.