The Marriage Act(34)

‘Why’s it taking so long?’ Roxi asked.

‘No idea,’ said Owen and moved towards the boiling water tap to make them both tea. ‘But you know that even if you do get to talk to someone, they’re not going to tell you anything.’

‘I bet that it’s your fault we’re on Level One.’

‘Mine?’

‘Yes! It picks up on negativity! It knows when a spouse isn’t being supportive. And God knows it’s had plenty of material to pick up on lately.’

‘Because you’re so easy to live with, aren’t you?’

A voice interrupted them. ‘Audite customer service, thank you for signing up to a Smart Marriage. How can I help?’

‘I’ve just explained this to your colleague,’ began Roxi. ‘Our machine must be faulty because it’s told my husband and me that we’re being Levelled up.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that; it must be distressing for you both. Let me take a look at your account. I’ll pop you on hold for a moment.’

‘Argh!’ Roxi yelled as the hold music returned. ‘I don’t have time for this.’

‘Why, do you have something more pressing to deal with than our marriage?’

Roxi gave his dig the narrow eye it deserved. ‘BBC News and that woman who presents the daytime morning show both want me on to discuss my video last night calling for Audites to be installed in all social housing.’

‘Oh, Rox.’ Owen sighed. ‘Why are you picking on social housing?’

‘I’m not picking on anyone; I just think that if you’re jobless or only working part-time and given a council-owned house, you shouldn’t be lying in bed until ten a.m. You should be out there looking for more work or at least a better-paid job. Audites can keep them in check.’

‘Them ? They’re not cattle. And who is going to keep your opinions in check?’

A voice appeared on the line again. ‘Audite customer service, thank you for signing up to a Smart Marriage. We’ve done a full system sweep and a reboot and it doesn’t appear there’s anything wrong with your device.’

‘Then why are you Levelling us up?’

‘I’m not privy to that information, I’m afraid. That’s for a different department to discuss. Would you like me to transfer you?’

‘Yes.’ Roxi groaned and the hold music returned.

She picked up her tablet to examine today’s insights. There had been significant uplifts in her TikTok, Instagram and Facebook followers and her #IWillDoBetterWillYou? hashtag had been reposted more than 3,000 times on Twitter in the last hour alone. The majority of Tweets were supportive, particularly from victims of domestic abuse. There were also comments from friends and relatives of those killed in terrorist attacks who believed if conversations between British radicals had been monitored, lives might have been saved.

But scattered amongst them was a predictable amount of abuse. Roxi’s attendance at school had been patchy but even she knew it was unlikely she could simultaneously be a fascist and a communist.

‘Who is giving this crazy fucking ho airtime?’ read one message.

‘Any volunteers to make her Audite listen in as we fuck her up?’ came another.

‘Bitch needs 2 b cancelled or she’ll be the next Jem Jones’, read a third.

She reported them all after reposting them with her trademark hashtag and a smiling emoji, just to irritate them further.

However, there was one comment on her YouTube channel that caught her attention more than the others.

‘Why are we even giving oxygen to this pathetic, wrinkled middle-aged housewife?’ it read. ‘She’s a failed Vlogger in a loveless marriage trying to jump into Jem Jones’ shoes while they’re still warm. Stick to flogging toilet brushes and verruca treatments, old timer.’

The troll was clearly familiar with her early Vlogs. She was unaware of the username @JustSayingBabe so she took a closer look. Roxi was the first and only target of their abuse.

Yet another voice appeared from her phone but with the same enthusiasm and opening line as the previous two. ‘I believe you are enquiring as to why your marriage has been flagged as Level One?’ they continued.

‘Yes, I am,’ Roxi replied.

‘I’m afraid I am unable to give you that information.’

‘Why not?’

‘As stated in your Sanctity of Marriage Act contract, we are not obliged to detail why our algorithms have identified your relationship as in need of assistance.’

‘So you think my marriage is in trouble but you won’t give me any evidence as to why? How are we supposed to sort out the problems you think we have if we don’t know what they are?’

‘Enhanced listening and tracking has now been enabled across all your fixed and wearable devices to assist in your marriage experience. Advice in the form of Push notifications will be sent to you regularly. Any new content posted across social media by yourself or others, or taken in public areas using facial recognition software, may now be used for consideration when deciding upon the next course of action. A marriage liaison officer from your employer has been notified and will be in touch in due course. Thank you again for signing up to a Smart Marriage.’

The conversation was terminated by the operator before Roxi had time to hurl expletives at her. Owen remained unruffled.