The Man I Love (The Fish Tales, #1)(83)

Figures, Erik thought. Her father’s a f*cking sapper.

The last time she got through to him, she was pulling heavier artillery.

“I can’t believe you’re just going to give up,” she said. “One stupid mistake and you’re going to walk away from me. Walk away from us. Without even a word.”

It would be any man’s cue to whip around and bombard her with a million heated words. Unleash hell, give her a ripshit battle to decide the war.

Erik couldn’t do it. He had no fight left in him. His throat was sodered tight and the shaking anger in her voice merely made his heart shrink further and further into a corner.

“Say something,” she cried. “Yell at me, curse at me. Say you hate me. Say something, Erik…”

I can’t hate you, he thought, almost startled she would demand it of him. I could never hate you.

But now I can never love you.

The two nevers cancelled each other out. Leaving nothing.

I can never love her. And I can never love anyone else. This is my life now. Everything is ruined.

“There’s nothing to say,” he whispered. “It’s done.”

“It’s not. Erik, please, you can’t—”

He hung up.

Will’s calls were harder. Will had done nothing wrong. Will was an innocent bystander. But Will was also a conduit to Daisy. If Erik wanted nothing more to do with her, then he couldn’t have anything to do with any of her.

Will phoned relentlessly, leaving messages. At first they were warm with sympathy.

“Fish, call me. Let’s talk about it. I feel terrible.”

Then they turned cool with jokes.

“Dude, when I said you should get out of Dodge a little while, I meant for like a day? We’re going on weeks here, this is crazy.”

Finally they were hot with hurt and anger.

“Fish. What the hell are you doing? This isn’t funny anymore. This isn’t about Daisy. This is you and me, all right? Fucking call me already.”

Erik made a stone of his heart and ignored the pleas which grew more emotional and angrier. Finally Will got through by calling at three in the morning.

“Hang up this phone and I will kill you.”

“Jesus,” Erik muttered, half-asleep, his heart pounding from the shock of the phone ringing. “What do you want?”

“What do I w— I want your f*cking meatloaf recipe, that’s why I’m calling every day. Jesus Christ, Fish, it’s me.”

Erik breathed in through a clenched jaw.

“Fish, what are you doing?” Will whispered. “Talk to me.”

“Did you know?”

“Did I know what?”

“Did you know she was f*cking him?”

“Jesus, Fish, no. I’m as shocked as you are. Nobody saw it coming.”

“Including me.” Vulnerable from fatigue, tears stung his eyes. He bit down on his lip until he felt the plate armor of his stubborn resolve slide into place. You will feel nothing.

“Fish, look,” Will said. “I don’t know all the details, but my gut tells me this wasn’t an ongoing thing. I think it was just something stupid and random.”

“It was David wanting what he couldn’t have.”

“And you beat the shit out of him. I would’ve done the same. But now what about Daisy?”

“What about her?”

A bubble of frustrated silence on the other end of the line. Will inhaled then exhaled roughly. Erik imagined him slumped in a chair, his face in a palm. The lines of his body etched with pain. Good. Life was shit and everyone should hurt.

“Let me get this straight,” Will said. “You’re leaving her. You’ve left her. This is it. You’re gone.”

“Yes.”

“Just like that. What you have with her means nothing.”

“Clearly it meant nothing to her,” Erik said.

“No discussion, no goodbye, no… You’re not even going to hear her side of it?”

“I have no desire to hear her side of it. She wants David, fine, she can have him. God bless. And when he chews her up and spits her out, I won’t even say I told you so. Because I’m such a good guy.”

“Dude,” Will said, his voice softening. “She did a shitty thing to you. Nobody will say otherwise. You gotta be dying a thousand deaths and I’m so f*cking sorry…”

Erik’s eyes narrowed, his body tensing. He could handle an argument with Will. He welcomed a screaming match, but compassion would destroy him. Empathy would dissolve the pathetic, flimsy barrier he had worked so hard to jerry-rig out of nothing. “Well,” he said. “I’m glad we agree there.”

“Fish,” Will said. “She f*cked up but she loves you.” His love was bright, firm and clear, slipping through the holes of the phone receiver and shining into Erik’s eyes. He flinched from it, a mole squinting into the sun.

“She didn’t f*ck up,” he whispered, turning from the light. “She f*cked David.”

“It was a mistake, she’ll be the first to stand up and say it. Won’t you even let her—”

“Let her what? Explain? Apologize? And then what? I just get back with her and pretend nothing happened? Forget it, Will. I’ll never be able to look at her again without seeing her in David’s bed. That’s my last memory of her. That’s my souvenir. That’s what I got. I don’t ever want to see her again. You can tell her to just leave me the hell alone.”