The Man I Love (The Fish Tales, #1)(132)

“No, no, I’m alone. I mean, everyone is passed out. I was just coming downstairs for some pie. And now… This is bizarre, just a minute.” Erik heard the scrape of a chair. “I’m sorry, I have to sit down.”

“I was sitting. Now I’m lying down.”

“Oh my God,” Daisy whispered.

He closed his eyes. Imagined her sitting at the long farmhouse table. Pictured the kitchen and its butter-yellow walls. Francine’s treasured cast iron skillets, copper pots and pans, brightly colored enamel. The milk glass pendant lights casting a warm glow over it all.

“You ruined my pie,” she said absently.

“What kind?” he asked.

“Apple. Mom made it.”

“How’s your mother?” What did she make for dinner, he longed to ask. Does she ever make pepparkakor? Will you cut down the tree tomorrow?

“She’s fine. She and Pop are fine.” Her voice seemed so small. Erik couldn’t tell if she was speaking softly out of courtesy for others in the house or if this was all the volume she was going to give him.

“How are you?”

“I’m stunned. Oh, you mean in general.” Now her voice rose up into a more conversational range. “I’m good. I’m doing well. Thank you.”

He sat up. “I saw the article in Dance Magazine.”

“Pardon?”

“The article in Dance Magazine. About you and Will and the company, doing your first Nutcracker.”

“You saw it? How?”

“Believe it or not, Kees showed it to me.”

“You saw Keesja? When?”

“Just last week. I went to Lancaster.”

“What for?”

“Because I’ve never been back and it was time.”

“Oh. I went back for the ten-year anniversary.”

“I know,” he said. “I heard the thing on NPR.”

“You did?”

“I heard it when I was driving home from work. I had to sit in the car until it was over.”

“What was that like?” she said.

“Surreal.”

“It was surreal being there. I hadn’t been back since graduation.”

“I couldn’t believe when Will sent my necklace to me.”

“Oh my God. We couldn’t believe when they moved the stove and it was underneath. I was so happy to see it. I knew you were heartbroken over losing it.”

“I was. I took the earth apart looking.”

“Will said you wrote him after. Letting him know you got it. But I guess he was hoping for something more.”

A pointed edge to her last words. Erik closed his eyes and took hold of what he owned. “Yeah. See, I was extremely busy being an *, so I just sent the bare minimum.”

“And what neighborhood of Asshole City are you calling me from tonight?”

“I’m up in Brockport.”

“I see. Me, I… Well, I guess if you read the article and heard the thing on the radio, you know what I’m doing.”

“It all sounded fantastic. And I loved the picture of Will and Lucky and their kids. Two?”

“Two and number three on the way. Will sneezes and Lucky’s knocked up.”

Which seemed the perfect point to bail out of the chit-chat. “Dais?”

“Yes?”

“How would you feel about me coming to see you?”

A clink of silverware on china. “Well,” she said, “I’m going back to Canada tomorrow.”

He smiled. “I didn’t mean tomorrow.”

“When did you mean then?” she said coolly.

“Whenever it’s convenient for me to come out and talk to you and have your undivided attention and—”

“You had my undivided attention for years, Fish. You were the one who disconnected everything.”

He bit his lips. “You’re right. I should’ve said I would give you my undivided attention. Finally.”

“What makes you think I want it? Finally?”

“This was a bad idea,” he whispered.

“What the f*ck does that mean?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Fish,” she said sharply. “This was a really good idea. All right? It was a superb idea but it’s going to be a shitty conversation. You can’t call me out of the blue after twelve years of nothing, pick up where we left off and have it just be…just be fine. You can’t.”

“I know.”

“I did a terrible thing to you,” she said. “I never denied it and I still don’t. But you cut me off without even… You just walked out and never gave me a… Oh, Jesus Christ.” She wasn’t crying but her whole voice seemed to collapse in on itself. “I just came downstairs for some pie and all of a sudden it’s today.”

He could barely push words through his constricted throat. “What do you mean, today?”

“Today. The day you call. You think I haven’t been waiting? I haven’t been pining my life away but if you think there isn’t a part of my heart still wondering if today is going to be the day, you’re out of your freakin’ mind, Fish.” She sighed heavily. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m a little out of my own mind and like an idiot, I quit smoking a year ago.”