The Lucky Ones(28)

“What?” she asked.

“Why I believe in a loving God.”

She grinned.

“You’re too nice to me,” she said.

“Not possible.”

“Possible,” she said. “I don’t know if I deserve it.”

“You sound more like a monk than I do,” Roland said. “I think you’re being a little hard on yourself. We had sex. People do that sort of thing. Monks, too, even though we’re not supposed to.”

“Do they?” she asked. “You’re my first monk.”

“Ah...when I left,” he said, “my abbot gave me a long sex talk.”

“Like the birds and the bees?”

“More like the ‘You’re young and taking care of a dying parent is stressful. You’re probably going to have sex while you’re back out in the world. Don’t let it become a wall between you and us. Sin should always be a bridge that brings you back to God, not a wall between you and Him.’”

“You had a nice abbot.”

“He’s a very wise man,” Roland said. “He also told me to be honest with whoever I’m with. Don’t raise expectations, that sort of thing.”

“I’m not expecting a marriage proposal.”

“You can be honest with me, Allison. Don’t let me being a monk put a wall between you and me. If you have something to tell me, tell me.”

“I keep thinking you’re going to judge me.”

“If I wanted to judge people all day I’d either be a priest or get a Facebook account,” Roland said. “I didn’t do either.”

A night breeze blew past, and she shivered. She wanted to ask Roland to put his arms around her to warm her up, but she didn’t. They were strangers again. He’d been inside her not half an hour ago and now she couldn’t even ask him to hold her. She and McQueen had been willing strangers, especially during sex. She’d played her role and he’d played his and the unspoken agreement was to never peek behind the curtain. And she’d never wanted to peek. But with Roland she did. She wanted him behind the curtain with her. She didn’t want to pretend anymore.

“If you weren’t a monk this would easier,” she said.

“Even if I were the judgmental type,” Roland said, “I don’t have much of a leg to stand on after tonight.”

“Good point,” she said, dropping her head between her arms to hide her smile.

“Are you thinking about him? Your ex?” Roland asked. He sounded serious now. It was so strange to hear his voice like that.

“I’m thinking about you,” she said. “And him. How to tell you about him.”

“Just tell me.”

“I lied to you, too,” she said at last.

“About what?”

“McQueen.”

“What? Cooper McQueen? Your boss?”

She nodded.

“He wasn’t my boss.”

Roland stared at her, wide-eyed in surprise. “Cooper McQueen...the billionaire investor guy? You were his girlfriend for six years?”

“No. We were sleeping together,” she said. “For six years. But I wasn’t his girlfriend.”

“Then what were you? Secret wife?”

“Secret mistress. His bought and paid-for secret mistress.”

Roland turned his head quickly and looked at her through narrowed eyes.

“Told you so,” she said. He was clearly stunned. No words necessary.

“A mistress?” Roland said.

“Or a kept woman. I’ve called myself that a few times.”

“So...that’s still a thing? Kept women?”

She laughed. She hadn’t expected to laugh during this conversation.

“Yeah,” she said. “Kept women are still a thing. Where there are men with money and women without it, it’ll be a thing.”

Roland waved his hand to indicate she should keep talking. At first the words didn’t want to come out, but then eventually everything started to spill. Finally she managed to look Roland in the face. He didn’t seem to be mad, though he didn’t seem all that happy, either.

“You expected better of me, didn’t you?” she asked him.

“I expected better for you,” he said. “There’s a difference.”

“Is there?”

“Obviously you and I never had a normal brother-sister bond,” he said.

“Obviously,” Allison said.

“But I always loved you,” he said. “I don’t like the thought of you being trapped in a tower by some rich guy using you for sex.”

Allison smiled wanly, her laugh hollow and cynical to her own ears. She felt older than Roland then. He seemed so innocent to her, this noble-hearted monk. He had no idea what her life had been like with McQueen.

“I wasn’t trapped except by choice. I have could left him if I’d wanted to. And I’m not ashamed of my relationship with him. I’m not comfortable talking about it with people but...but I know I should have told you about it before we slept together.”

“I’m glad you didn’t tell me first. I might not have slept with you otherwise.”

“Ah-ha. Judging. I knew it.”