The Lies We Told(73)

She straightened up, a packet of biscuits in her hand. ‘What?’

I swallowed hard and braced myself. How had I become so afraid of my own daughter? ‘I know you’ve been meeting Emily Lawson,’ I said. ‘I overheard you on the phone with her this morning.’

I saw surprise register on her face. For a few seconds there was absolute silence, and then she did something I hadn’t expected her to do in a thousand years: she started to cry. As I looked on, amazed, at the tears rolling down her face, she put the biscuits down and came over to where I was sitting at the table. She took the seat opposite mine, put her head on her arms, and began to sob.

Funny to think that I still loved her then, that the sight of her in pain could make my heart twist in sympathy as though it were my own that was breaking. ‘Oh, Hannah,’ I said. ‘Oh my darling, what is it?’ I reached across the table and took hold of her hand. It was the first time she’d let me touch her in years. ‘Tell me, please, tell me what this is all about.’

It took her a while to compose herself. When she did, she wiped her eyes and said in a voice so small and desolate that it brought a lump to my throat, ‘I just want them to love me – my real family, I mean. I want to know them, to understand where I come from.’ Her eyes brimmed with tears again. ‘Ever since I found out about my real mother and father, I’ve felt so confused.’

I was astonished. This was the first time she’d ever brought up what she’d overheard all those years before. ‘I had no idea you felt like this,’ I stammered.

And then, suddenly, and to my horror, a wide smirk broke across her face. ‘Jesus, you’re stupid,’ she said.

As I recoiled she snatched her hand away and slowly shook her head as though dumbfounded. ‘You actually bought that, didn’t you?’ She laughed loudly, a harsh, ugly sound. ‘I always knew you were a fucking idiot, Beth,’ she went on, ‘but I didn’t know you were quite this retarded.’

She got up and, walking around the table towards me, leant down and put her face so close to mine that I could smell the cigarettes on her breath. ‘What I actually want to do is to fuck them up,’ she said quietly. ‘And not just the Lawsons – all of you.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked, my voice shaking.

‘I’ve been watching them,’ she said. ‘Watching them for years. My brothers and sister, my father and his dear wife. Sometimes I’d go every day, catching the train over there, following them to school or work.’ She paused, raising her eyebrows at me. ‘They have a nice life, don’t they? A lovely, happy life. While I’ve been stuck here in this shit hole with you.’ I flinched, and she laughed. ‘How did my mother die, Beth? I heard you talk that day to Rose, I heard her say that she was with my mother when she died, about her body being found in the sea. Rose pushed her, didn’t she?’

My eyes widened in shock. ‘No! No, Hannah,’ I cried. ‘Of course not! Your mother jumped, she committed suicide.’

‘I don’t believe you. Rose killed her. Because my mother slept with her husband. Rose murdered her.’

I shook my head in shock and pity, that she had convinced herself of such a dreadful thing. ‘Hannah, your mother was very unhappy,’ I said firmly, ‘she was ill, she died by throwing herself into the sea.’

‘No! She wouldn’t have left me. I was her baby. I was all she had. Rose murdered her. My mother would never have left me alone like that.’

‘Hannah, that’s not true,’ I cried. ‘Your mother jumped, she took her own life. I’m sorry, but it’s true. It was suicide.’

A look of infinite hatred flashed in Hannah’s eyes then. ‘Rose did it, and then she and my father gave me away like I was a fucking stray puppy.’

‘Hannah—’

‘You all lied to me. All of you. You are all responsible, and you’re not going to get away with it. None of you.’

I stood up. ‘Hannah, please, Doug and I, we love you so much, we’ve looked after you since you were a baby, we have always thought of you as our daughter. I only ever wanted you to be happy!’

She turned on me then. ‘Happy? I have never been happy here. You never loved me, not like you love Toby. I felt it, always, and when I overheard you and Rose talking that day I finally understood why: because I’m not yours. You lied to me my whole life and I’ll make sure you get your fucking punishment too.’ She turned to go. ‘But first it’s Oliver and Rose’s turn.’

‘What are you going to do?’ I cried.

She glanced back at me. ‘All these years I’ve been watching them, following them, seeing how they doted on those kids of theirs. Those three spoilt little pricks have had everything they ever wanted. So one by one I’m going to show them what their father’s really like. Maybe then Oliver will wish he’d treated me a bit better, maybe he’ll regret how he threw me away.’

And then she walked slowly from the room, leaving me staring after her, reeling in shock.

I heard her go out an hour later. The first thing I did was to try to call Rose to warn her, but the phone rang and rang until in the end I gave up. I paced the house, adrenalin and fear shooting through me while I went over and over what Hannah had said, driving myself mad trying to work out what her next move might be. What did she want with Emily? What was she planning to do? No matter how many times I tried Rose, there was no answer: nobody picked up, nobody, it seemed, was home.