The Lies About Truth(69)

I can’t take my eyes off Bodee. His shoulders bend like the wire hanger in my closet that sags under the weight of my winter coat. I want to put my hand in the center of his back, force him upright. His sluggish shuffle is as sad as his shoulders.

“I think he’s wearing Craig’s old khakis,” Kayla says. “See the faded ring on the back pocket?”

“Half the guys at Rickman chew,” I say. But Kayla’s right about Craig’s khakis; I’ve seen those same threads spoon and fork and maybe even tongue around Kayla on our couch.

“Well, they’re somebody’s khakis.” There’s sympathy in her voice. “Maybe you should take him shopping.”

Even though it’s the kindest thing Kayla’s said, I whisper, “Why don’t you take him shopping?”

“Maybe I will.”

Craig rolls his eyes at me, because he knows as well as I do that the last thing Bodee needs is to become one of Kayla’s pet projects.

Now Bodee’s at the podium, and Mom’s not the only one who needs a tissue. While the room sucks and snorts and wipes, he grips the knot on his tie like it’s a lap bar on a roller coaster.

He doesn’t look at any of us. The microphone broadcasts his short breaths into the room.

Come on, Bodee. Say something.

But he just breathes and tugs at the tie again with one hand and wedges the other into the pocket of Craig’s old pair of pants. I pull at the folds of my dress. Kayla does the same. Mom squeezes Dad’s hand. The rest of the room shifts in their discomfort for Bodee.

“That poor, poor boy,” Mom whispers.

Lyrics drift into my head as I watch Bodee drown.

Alone.

Before this crowd.

Alone, in this terrible dream.

Who am I in this visible silence?

Can they hear me scream?

I wonder if Bodee knows that song. Doubtful. I toy with the idea of writing the lyrics on the back of the program. I could drop it in his locker on Monday. But he might take that the wrong way.

My mysterious desk guy wouldn’t take it the wrong way, though. He penciled those same lyrics on my desk the first week of school. August 8. Nineteen days after my life changed.

I don’t think random lyrics are going to help Bodee.

He’s not going to talk.

It’s like there’s a muzzle over his mouth. A word-thief at work.

Bodee bolts from the podium and out the side door.

“Go,” Mom says.

For once our instincts are the same. My knee collides with the hymnal holder on the pew in front of us. The crack announces my movement to the room and effectively ends the silence that Bodee started. Craig steadies me as I climb over him and Kayla.

“Good idea,” Craig says as I exit.

I’m not going because Mom told me to or because Craig thinks someone should. I know what it’s like to face the silence alone.

Bodee’s in the back garden. I’m out of breath when I reach him, which is fine because this is awkward already. All this empathy, or whatever it is, will be gone by the 7:55 bell Monday morning. The school hallway is a war of differences, and Bodee and I have plenty. Accepted; rejected. Shops at the mall; doesn’t shop at all. Quiet except with friends; quiet everywhere. But today we have something in common besides last names that start with L.

We’ve both lost something we’re never going to get back.

The little concrete bench wobbles as I add my weight to his. He only glances at me long enough to register who I am. There’s no surprise on his face that I have followed him to this outdoor hiding place, nor does he send me an I want to be alone look.

Time would speed up if I spoke, but I don’t care if time is slow. I do wonder what Liz and Heather think about my scramble from the pew, and if everyone in there believes I’ll reemerge with a repaired, talking Bodee.

But I don’t tell him to go back inside or that everything will be fine. I just sit beside him and let the inch between my thigh and his remain. He cracks his knuckles compulsively, and I stare at a break in the concrete where a little green weed lives.

When the funeral director finds us, I finally speak. “See you Monday?”

“Yeah.”

And that’s it. I leave Bodee on the bench. The space between us is elastic now, stretching from an inch into yards.

When I reach my mom, she kisses my forehead. “Lex, I love you,” she says.

“I love you, too.” And as I say it, I think, No one will say that to Bodee anymore.