The Library of Fates(71)

“Does that mean you’re having second thoughts? About killing Sikander?” There was a hint of hopefulness in my voice.

“I don’t know what it means. All I know for certain is that if Thea and Chandradev marry, Sikander goes mad. He kills his father, overtakes the throne, starts invading every territory from the north to the south.”

I sat down on the window ledge. “And what if they don’t marry?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if she ends up marrying Sikander, just as she’s supposed to do?”

Thala fidgeted in her chair. “I don’t know.” She shook her head. “Maybe I just need to sleep. But I don’t have any answers for you anymore. I can’t help you with this, Amrita. I’m sorry.”

¤

I couldn’t sleep, and after tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I got up, grabbing the dagger in my hand and sneaking off campus. I found a small park in the center of the city, placed my dagger in the grass, and looked up into the moon.

Varun, I need your help.

But there was only the night sky staring back at me. I closed my eyes, praying he’d answer, and soon heard the sweeping of wings. My heart swelled with anticipation.

I opened my eyes to see that Saaras had landed before me. He flapped his wings until he transformed into Varun. My heart raced at the sight of him, and for a moment, I wasn’t sure what to say, my thoughts clouded by the thrill of seeing him again.

“You’ve been watching me,” I finally said. I wasn’t sure how I knew this, but I did.

He nodded his head, his mouth curling into that welcome smile that had by now become so familiar. “I sensed I’d find you here, in the past. I told you there was another way.” He sat down before me in the grass, and once again, we were face to face.

This time, the desire within me spoke even louder than before. I wanted to touch his face again. I wanted his mouth against my own, his body against mine.

And yet, I didn’t want to forget why I had called for him.

“I can’t kill him,” I said. “I just can’t find it in myself.”

Varun nodded his head, his warm eyes assessing me. “You should consider that a blessing.”

“What do I do?” I looked back into those eyes, trying to find my center.

“That I can’t tell you.”

“I had a feeling you’d say that.”

“And yet you still called for me . . . ,” he teased, reaching for my hand. “Sorry. It’s instinct,” he said. But I shook my head, squeezing his hand before he could retract it. “It’s been hundreds of years, and yet it’s still there. Some part of me can’t forget.”

“I don’t remember the past, but right now, this thing between us . . .” It was impossible not to acknowledge, but difficult to articulate.

He fought back a smile. “I know” was all he had to say.

We both felt it—as though there were a magnet pulling my body to his, and the only thing resisting this pull was our own will in the face of a task at hand that was far too important.

Varun continued to watch me, and I saw the way his eyes took me in. With a desire so strong that it took everything for him not to act on it.

And yet, when he spoke, his tone was pensive. “Something has to be sacrificed in order for something to be gained.”

For a moment, I thought he was talking about us, but I recovered quickly. “I’ll sacrifice whatever I need to . . . but what?”

He didn’t have to answer. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I understood what Varun was saying. I thought back to the revelation I had before I tried to sleep.

What would trigger the horrific events we had experienced in our lives, what would start a chain reaction that would lead to the suffering of so many people, the tiny flame that would eventually turn into the conflagration, was Chandradev’s growing love for Thea and Thea’s growing love for Chandradev. It was their relationship that needed to be stopped. And if they were never together, never a pair, if they never got married, then I would cease to exist.

I inhaled quickly. “It’s me,” I realized. “I’m what must be sacrificed.”

Varun nodded.

“Thea is a . . . leader. She could be good for Macedon. Good for the world. And if she simply goes ahead and marries Sikander as she’s expected to . . .”

“She becomes the queen of Macedon,” Varun confirmed, “And Chandradev returns to Shalingar at the end of school. Just as he’s supposed to.”

“I can’t stop them from falling in love,” I said, thinking aloud.

“It’s already beginning to happen.”

“But I can stop them from being together.”

“You have the power to.”

“So . . . it’ll be like—”

“Like you never existed.”

I imagined myself nowhere, floating in a sea of black. I shuddered. “But where will I go? Will it be like dying?”

Varun shook his head.

“Will I go where the Sybillines went?”

He shifted, lying down in the grass and gently pulling me down with him. We lay there for a moment in silence, looking up at the stars. I leaned into his arm, and he wrapped it around me.

“No,” he finally said. “You’re not going where the Sybillines went.”