The Library of Fates(20)

“All right.” I looked at Mala with affection.

When Mala turned her back, I grabbed the key to Thala’s cell. I had taken it with me and hidden it in the top drawer of my dresser. I wanted to go check on her tonight, after the banquet. I was determined to help her, and I also secretly wondered—given what Arjun and I had discussed—if she had anything more to tell me.

“Mala, how come you never said anything about my mother?” I asked.

Perhaps it wasn’t the best way to say goodbye, but I was closer to Mala than practically anyone in the world, save Arjun and my father. Why hadn’t she ever told me anything?

Mala didn’t look surprised. She put down the wooden comb in her hand and looked at my reflection in the mirror.

“You never asked.”

“I thought it was a sensitive topic.”

“Since when have you hidden behind sensitive topics? Your mind is like the tentacles of Makara the Spider.”

I laughed, remembering the fable Mala used to tell me when I was a child. Makara was the creator, destroyer, and sustainer of the world. He created the world through his dreams and sustained it through his thoughts, destroying it every ten thousand years before he started again.

“I used to love that story,” I said to her.

“I know. And I loved telling it to you,” she said as she wiped away a tear.

“I’m going to miss you, Mala,” I said, looking at her. Mala and I were rarely sentimental with each other, but how could I not be tearful and nostalgic on this night? “You’ve been the closest thing I’ve ever had to a mother.”

“And you’ve been a daughter to me,” she said. “Maybe that’s why I never brought it up. Perhaps I was jealous of the possibility that you could love someone more. Blood is blood, after all.”

I shook my head. “That’s not true. What you and I have is thicker than blood. I couldn’t possibly love anyone more.”

Mala raised an eyebrow and put a hand on her hip as she regarded me in the mirror. “But?”

“But I don’t know who I am.”

“Girl, who you are isn’t about who gave birth to you or who raised you. One finds out who he or she is over the course of a life.”

“How do I do that?”

“Through your actions, through your choices.”

“I’m afraid my choices are limited, Mala. It seems that I don’t have any good ones.”

“But your life isn’t limited. Your spirit isn’t limited. Develop some swagger, girl. You’ll need it. You don’t know it yet, but the rest of us do. Your life is going to unfold in unpredictable ways. You’re far more powerful than you know.”

“But what if you had to do something that could potentially be difficult for the people around you to understand . . . or recover from . . . ?”

“Take the risk, girl.”

“What do you mean?” I was taken aback, my body instinctively tensing at her words.

“If you were a girl who always took risks, I’d tell you to slow down, be conservative, think twice before you leap. But from the time you were born, you were careful, thoughtful. You took others’ feelings into consideration. That’s why you never asked anyone about your mother. Or if you tried and saw that it made people uncomfortable, you stopped. You were so concerned about causing others pain that you squelched your own needs. Don’t ever do that again. Take the risk, and don’t look back.”

“But, Mala—”

“That’s all I can say, and that’s all the advice I’m going to give you. Your instincts are good. You have a good heart. Don’t hesitate. Don’t waste time. Don’t apologize. You’ll always think about others; it’s your nature. That runs in your blood, after all. Look at what your father’s done for this kingdom, and his parents before that. But you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I nodded, dumbfounded. Did Mala know what I was up to? She wouldn’t let on, and I told myself I was being paranoid. And yet . . .

“Now go on. Your retinue will escort you to dinner. I’ll be here when it’s over so you can tell me about it and we can get you into your pajamas. All right?”

I got up slowly, watched Mala as she closed tins of rouge and lip tincture, put brushes made of fox fur away. Then I grabbed her and hugged her tight. “Thank you, Mala,” I whispered.

“Thank you for being my girl all these years,” she told me.

¤

“It appears your staff has its hands full with the zoo breach.” Sikander leaned back, taking a sip of his wine. He wrapped his arm around the back of my chair as though he were a resident and not a guest of our palace.

“It’s not a usual occurrence, but we’ve got it handled.” My father smiled a tense smile.

Shree had told me that today’s negotiations had gone “well enough,” but they weren’t finished yet, and I could see that my father was still not entirely himself.

“What do you mean by well enough?” I asked her.

“The terms of your betrothal haven’t been settled yet. So don’t say anything,” she told me as we were descending the stairway for dinner. “Pretend you’re marrying him as planned.”