The Librarian of Auschwitz(86)

“But the fact that the children’s camp is a Nazi trick is awful. The international observers will come, the Germans will show this to them, they’ll hide the gas chambers, and the observers will see that children survive in Auschwitz, and they’ll go away deceived.”

“Or not.”

“What do you mean?”

“That will be our moment. We won’t let them leave without knowing the truth.”

Then Dita begins to recall the afternoon before the September transport left, when she came across Fredy on the Lagerstrasse.

“I’ve just been reminded of something Fredy said the last time I spoke with him. He made some comment about a moment when a crack would open. It would be the moment of truth, he said. And we had to take the risk. He said you had to shoot a goal in the final second when they were least expecting it, to earn the win.”

Miriam nods in agreement.

“That was the plan. He gave me some papers before he left. He was writing much more than reports for the camp command. He’d put together facts, dates, names, a complete dossier of what’s going on in Auschwitz, which he’d prepared to hand over to a neutral observer.”

“Fredy won’t be able to hand it over anymore.”

“No, he’s no longer here. But we’re not going to give up, are we?”

“Quit? No way. Count on me, for anything. No matter the cost.”

The deputy director of Block 31 smiles.

“But then why did he surrender at the last minute and commit suicide?” Dita persists. “The Resistance people say he got scared.”

Miriam Edelstein’s smile suddenly freezes.

“The man from the Resistance said that they asked him to lead a revolt, and he got cold feet. I told the man he had no idea what he was talking about, but he seemed so sure of himself.…”

“It’s true that they suggested he lead a revolt when they were already certain that the entire September transport was going to be sent to the gas chambers. I’ve been told that by a source I trust.”

“And he rejected the offer?”

“A revolt consisting of a contingent of families that included old people and children facing armed SS soldiers wasn’t exactly a terrific plan. He asked them for time to think it over.”

“And then he committed suicide.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Miriam Edelstein’s sigh leaves Dita feeling empty inside.

“We don’t always have an answer for everything.”

The woman takes Dita by the shoulder and draws her close. They remain together for a long moment, during which their silence unites them far more than any words they could say. Then they exchange a warm good-bye and Dita leaves the hut. She walks along, thinking that maybe there isn’t an answer for everything. But Fredy said to her, Don’t ever give up, and she’ll never give up on her desire to find that answer.

The murmur of the classes in Block 31 drags her away from her thoughts. Ota Keller’s group is just a few meters away. The children are following his explanations very attentively, and Dita pricks up her ears so she won’t lose the thread the Nazis have cut. She misses school. She would have liked to go on with her studies and maybe become a pilot like the woman she had seen in one of her mother’s illustrated magazines. The woman was called Amelia Earhart, and she appeared in photos getting down from a plane in a man’s leather jacket, with a pair of flying goggles on her forehead and a dreamy look in her eyes. Dita thinks you would have to study hard to become an aviator. The mixed murmurs of several teachers reach the spot where she’s sitting, and she isn’t able to pick out the lessons of any individual one of them.

She watches Ota Keller teaching. They say he’s a Communist. Ota is talking to his group about the speed of light and how there is nothing faster in the universe; the stars they see shining in the sky are the result of the light photons they emit reaching our pupils after traveling millions of kilometers at breakneck speed. He hypnotizes the children with his contagious enthusiasm, his eyebrows move constantly, and his index finger wiggles like the needle on a compass.

It suddenly occurs to Dita that compasses, like the ones in aircraft, are difficult to understand. Maybe she’d prefer to be an artist rather than a pilot. It sounds like a good idea. It would be a way of flying without having to rely on so much equipment. She’d paint the world as if she were flying over it.

Margit is waiting for her when she leaves Block 31; she’s with her sister Helga, who is even thinner than before. Margit whispers to Dita that she’s a bit concerned about how gaunt her sister looks. Helga has had the misfortune to be assigned to a drainage ditch brigade and, thanks to the constant spring rains, they spend all day removing the mud that accumulates.

There are lots of inmates like Helga, who seem to be so much thinner than others. It’s as if the piece of bread and soup went in and straight through their bodies without leaving any trace. Maybe they are just as thin as the others, but there is something in their downcast expressions and the defeat in their eyes that makes them seem more fragile. There’s constant talk of typhus and tuberculosis and pneumonia, but not so much is said about the depression sweeping through the Lager like a plague. It happened to Dita’s father, too: People suddenly begin to switch off. They are the ones who have given up.

Dita and Margit try to cheer up Helga by joking around.