The Librarian of Auschwitz(43)

She spies Hirsch, with a dark expression on his face. She can see only the back of the blond man facing him. He’s not wearing an SS uniform, but he’s not wearing regular prison garb, either. Then she spots the brown armband worn by barrack Kapos.

“This will be the last time, Ludwig.”

“Why?”

“I can’t go on deceiving my people.” Fredy slicks back his hair with one hand. “They believe I’m one thing, when in reality, I’m something quite different.”

“And what is that terrible other thing you are?”

Fredy smiles bitterly.

“You already know that. Better than anyone.”

“Come on, Fredy, dare to name it.…”

“There’s nothing more to say.”

“Why not?” The words of his interlocutor are loaded with irony and resentment. “The fearless man doesn’t dare admit what he is? Do you lack the courage to say the terrible thing that you are?”

The Block?ltester sighs and his voice drops:

“A … homosexual.”

“Dammit, call it what it is! The great Fredy Hirsch is a queer!”

Hirsch, beside himself, launches himself at the man and grabs him violently by his lapels. He smashes him up against the wall, and the veins stand out in his neck.

“Shut up! Never ever say that again.”

“Come on! Is it so horrible? I’m one, too, and I don’t consider myself a monster. Do you think I am? Do you think I deserve to be branded a pariah?” And, as he speaks, he points to the pink triangle sewn onto his shirt.

Hirsch releases him. He closes his eyes and slicks back his hair as he tries to compose himself.

“Forgive me, Ludwig. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Well, you have.” Ludwig fixes his crumpled lapel with the fastidiousness of a dandy. “You say you don’t want to deceive the people who follow you. So what will you do when you get out of here? Find a nice Jewish girl who’ll cook you kosher meals and marry her? Will you deceive her?”

“I don’t want to deceive anyone, Ludwig. That’s why we have to stop seeing each other.”

“Do whatever you like. Repress your feelings if that makes you feel better. Try making love to some girl. I’ve tried it: It’s like eating a tasteless bowl of soup. But it’s not totally bad. And do you think that the deceptions will be over? Absolutely not! There’ll still be someone you’ll be lying to: yourself.”

“I’ve already told you it’s over, Ludwig.”

His words leave no room for a response. They look at each sadly without saying a word. The Kapo with the pink triangle slowly nods his assent, accepting defeat. He walks up to Hirsch and kisses him on the lips. A silent tear runs down Ludwig’s cheek.

On the other side of the wooden wall, Dita almost cries out. It’s more than she can bear. She’s never seen two men kiss, and she finds it disgusting. Even more so because it’s Fredy Hirsch. Her Fredy Hirsch. She runs silently out of the hut, not even noticing the shock of the cold night air. She’s so upset she doesn’t think to look out for Dr. Mengele. She’s stunned on the outside and feels dirty on the inside. She feels an incredible anger toward Fredy Hirsch; she feels defrauded. Tears of rage cloud her sight.

That’s why she bumps into someone walking in the opposite direction.

“Careful, young lady!”

“You’re the one who’s not looking where you’re going, dammit!” she replies.

But as she looks up, she sees the face of Professor Morgenstern, and realizes she’s been rude. She’s almost knocked the poor old man to the ground.

“Please forgive me, Professor. I didn’t recognize you.”

“It’s you, Miss Adler!” And as he says this, he peers at Dita with his myopic eyes. “But are you crying?”

“It’s the cold. It’s irritating my eyes, dammit!” she answers sharply.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No, nobody can.”

The professor puts his hands on his hips.

“Are you sure?”

“I can’t explain. It’s a secret.”

“Then don’t tell me. Secrets are for keeping.”

The professor bows and marches off to his hut without another word. Dita feels even more bewildered than she was before. Maybe it’s her fault. Maybe he’s right, and she shouldn’t stick her nose into other people’s business. She wants to talk with someone; she thinks of Miriam Edelstein. She’s the only one who visits Hirsch outside regular hours.

Dita finds Miriam with her son, Arieh, inside Barrack 28. There’s not much time left before curfew. It’s not the best time for visits, but when the deputy director sees Dita’s distress, she can’t bring herself to say no.

The darkness and the cold don’t lend themselves to long conversations, but Dita tells her everything from the beginning: Mengele’s warning, how she accidentally witnessed Hirsch’s first encounter with a particular individual, her doubts, and her attempts to resolve them by finding out the truth. Miriam listens without interrupting her, with no sign of surprise when Dita tells her about Hirsch’s secret affairs with other men. She even remains silent for a while after Dita has finished her tale.