The Kingdom of Back(76)

“Safer?” I furrowed my brows. He was taking him away to a place where I could no longer watch over him. Hyacinth would find him and steal him in the night. The certainty of it clawed at me. “What about us?”

Mama looked at me. “We are to stay here,” she answered.

I could not believe it. Instinctively, I broke away from her and started running down the stairs.

“Nannerl!”

I ignored Mama’s calls. Papa and Woferl had headed out the front door by the time I reached the bottom of the stairs. I stumbled on one of the steps, then pulled myself upright and ran out toward the street. Herr Schmalecker and his wife stood in the living room and watched me go.

A coach was already waiting for Papa. I hurried to him before he could reach it, and with a strength borne from another world, I grabbed his arm in a tight grip. In that moment, I realized I wasn’t angry with him for taking Woferl. I was angry because he was not taking me.

“Papa!”

He turned around to glare at me. “Go back inside,” he snapped. “Do not stand out in the street in nothing but your nightdress.”

“Why are you leaving us? Take us with you!”

“You cannot come,” he said. He turned away from me and helped Woferl into the coach. “Stay here with your mother.”

“Why?” I demanded.

“Woferl is in the gravest danger. You should know that, Nannerl.” Papa prepared to step into the coach. “His frail health cannot last in this house. A friend has agreed to let us stay with him, at least until the threat subsides. He lives near the edge of the city. He will only take two of us. The times are dangerous enough as they are.”

“Why can we not leave Vienna?”

“You know very well why we cannot leave yet.”

I realized that I had started to cry. When Papa turned away from me again and made to get into the coach, I grabbed him again and pulled him away with all my strength. “I’m frightened, Papa,” I said, fighting to keep my voice steady. “How can you leave us behind and take only Woferl? What if we fall ill? What will happen then?”

Papa grabbed my shoulders and shook me once. “Your mother has come down with smallpox once before—she should not be harmed. You know how delicate your brother’s health is. What will happen to this family if something were to happen to him? Have you ever thought of that?”

“And what if something were to happen to me? I can do everything that he can!” I had started to shout my words now. I no longer cared. “I can take care of our family! There are those in the audience who love me too, and who I can please. We are the same, Papa! Why do you not take me with you?”

Papa slapped me. I gasped, suddenly dizzy, and touched my cheek with my hand. “You are a selfish girl,” he said. His eyes burned me. “Go back inside. I will not tell you again. Wait for me—I will come back for you and your mother.” With that, he turned away one last time and stepped into the coach.

I watched as they pulled away. My hand stayed against my cheek. When I felt my mother touch my shoulder, I flinched and started to hurry back into the house. I ignored the looks that Herr Schmalecker and his wife gave me.

“Nannerl, darling!” Mama called out from behind me. I did not turn around.

Instead I ran up the stairs, then into my bedroom, and then to my bed, where I pulled my music notebook out from underneath my blankets. Hyacinth’s smiling face appeared in my mind. Leave him here, his whisper reminded me. It was still something I could do. The side of me that believed this surged against me, dark and tempting. The light in me struggled against it.

I needed to return to the kingdom, to undo what wrong I’d done. But it was still not too late to let Hyacinth follow through with what he needed in order to fulfill my wish. It was not too late for me. I walked to the clavier, placed the notebook on the stand, and sat down. My wish came back to me now in a terrible wave. I saw my brother’s flushed cheeks, his sleeping figure surrounded by music. I saw myself, walking down a path toward a place I could never reach.

I opened the notebook to the composition of my heart and began to play.





THE CHOSEN PATH



That night, I went to sleep in a haze of fear and grief. The music of my composition haunted my dreams. When I woke, I could still hear the measures I’d played so feverishly on the clavier, the notes hovering in the air.

How Hyacinth would come to me now, I couldn’t say. What if he had found some way to trick me again? Perhaps all he needed from me was to hear my composition. Perhaps he didn’t need me to bring Woferl to the kingdom.

Without my composition to work on, without Woferl at my side, all I could do was spend the day pacing. Awaiting word from Papa. Listening to the constant commotion in the streets. Letting my thoughts spiral deeper and deeper.

Mama and I did not attend church that Sunday. Finally, the day after, Papa came to visit us. I rushed to see him, anxious to ask about my brother, but I did not meet my father’s eyes when I reached him. I simply curtsied, and then stood with my gaze pointed down.

“Woferl has developed a cough,” he said to my mother. “It is nothing serious yet.”

A cough. My hands trembled against my dress.

“How long do we stay in Vienna?” It was always Mama’s first question.

“The emperor has not responded to my inquiries,” Papa said. He looked defeated. “The archduchess is very ill. We will leave Vienna.”