The Kindest Lie(102)

Ruth rested her cheek against Mama’s thigh while she braided. It struck Ruth that every mother’s choice had repercussions for generations, and it fanned out into a web that could ensnare you or catch you when you slipped. It all depended on how you looked at it.

“It’s been good seeing Natasha. Watching her with Camila, I started wondering what my life would be like now if I’d married a guy like Luis from high school and raised a family here in Ganton instead of moving away from home.”

Mama grunted. “You’d be going through a world of hurt and doing your best to convince folks you were happy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Natasha’s sharing her husband the way she shared her mother with that revolving door of men all those years. He’s cheating on her, for sure.”

Back in the day, Mama had disapproved of her friendship with Natasha, thinking her friend would hold her back somehow. But it was time to let that go. “Every family has its problems,” Ruth said.

“Child, if you don’t get your head out those fairy tales. Even truck drivers come home sometimes, but not Luis. You know how folks talk. They say he’s got another whole family out there. Mexican, like him.”

“He’s Puerto Rican, Mama.”

“Whatever. You get my point.”

She could’ve chastised Mama, but what good would it do? They were finding their way back to each other, but she accepted some things would never change.

Mama scratched her granddaughter’s scalp with the comb, freeing flakes of dandruff that dotted Ruth’s eyelashes like snowflakes. Natasha had never let on that there were problems in her marriage. Ruth wondered if every woman harbored a secret tucked away in her heart, a cross she carried all alone.

She began thinking of Joanna now and how little she knew of the woman who had given her life. And she never would know her, because she hadn’t bothered to stick around.

Twisting her head to look up at Mama, she said, “At least you loved Corey enough to try to do what you thought was right. My mother didn’t give a damn about me and Eli. I know you don’t like for me to say it, but I inherited the abandonment gene from her. I tried not to, but I ended up just like her.”

Mama stopped combing, her hand suspended in the air. “I should’ve given you the whole story. You’re grown enough to handle the truth.”

“What story? My mother was a druggie and she loved that high more than her own kids. What else is there to say?”

Mama pressed her hands into Ruth’s shoulders. “No. No, that’s not the way it was at all. She was on that stuff, yes, and it did have hold of her. But when she decided she wanted to get out of Ganton, she said she was going to take you and Eli with her. Her mind was made up.”

“But she didn’t, did she? She left us behind.”

“Because Hezekiah and I begged her not to take you. We knew she loved you kids, but how could she be a real mother to you when she had all that poison inside her? It made no sense. It took a lot, but we convinced her to let us raise you two.”

Ruth pulled away, moving out of the grip of her grandmother’s heavy thighs. No, not again. Not one more way Mama had manipulated her life, pulling strings without her knowing it. Her body seized with anguish. How could this be true?

“Are you saying she really wanted us?”

“Yes, I am. You and your brother were always wanted. Your mother wanted you. Papa and I wanted you. You hear me? You understand?”

Tears filled Ruth’s eyes. “I understand, all right. You played God with my life.” When she spoke, her words emerged thin from exhaustion, all her anger depleted. All these years, she thought her mother had abandoned her without looking back.

“I wasn’t playing God. I was loving you and your brother the best I could. I love Joanna something fierce. She was the only child Hezekiah and I had. It tore me up inside to see her walk out that door forever. And then to separate her from you and Eli? That’s a special kind of pain. We put her in rehab so many times, but she’d get out and go right back to that stuff. Your grandfather and I knew we were losing Joanna to that dope. We couldn’t lose you and your brother, too.”

For so long, Ruth had wanted answers, the truth. And now, it descended upon her in an avalanche. As a grown woman, she now recognized her own mistakes. Why had it taken eleven years and Xavier’s push to start a family for Ruth to come looking for her child? As she passed the blame around, she had to take her share, too. She saw that now.

And what about Joanna, coerced into leaving her babies behind? Did memories of Ruth and Eli haunt her the way the first day of Corey’s life had haunted Ruth? Gazing out the window, she wondered if her mother was looking upon these same stars right now. The two of them knew better than anyone the price you paid for walking away from your child because someone else decided for you what was best.

This new understanding brought a measure of peace, but worry still needled her. If it ever became known that Corey’s adoption was illegal, everything could be ripped out from under her son. If anyone questioned Ruth about the adoption, she would lie gladly this time. She was a mother, and what Mama had said was right—mothers protected their children. This much, she knew. And someday, she’d write a letter to Corey telling him she’d loved him from the moment she found out he was growing inside her. She’d apologize again. Over and over, as many times as she needed to until he believed her.