The Hot Mess and the Heartthrob(39)

Levi: After meeting Skippy for the first time, I actually assumed he was the one who sent the email.

Ingrid: bulging eyes emoji That…hadn’t actually occurred to me until just now.

Levi: My nephew got hold of Tripp’s phone a while back and he and his pet frog texted me a series of links to a few adult sites. You’d think touring the world would be where you’d see it all, but nope. Sometimes it really is right at home.

Ingrid: I can’t decide if Hudson and your nephew would be BFFs or if they should never meet.

Levi: Probably both.

Ingrid: Was the pet frog a pet for long after that? I already know it was the frog’s fault. eye roll emoji

Levi: Grandma to the rescue on that one. I called her to save them both. Tripp rolls with a lot more than I would’ve given him credit for when we were younger, but a five-year-old on adult sites would put his blood pressure through the roof. Last I heard, the frog was on an extended field trip with froggy daycare, courtesy of Grandma, and Tripp changes the passcode on his phone daily.

Ingrid: I’d lock myself out of my own phone on day three if I changed the passcode that often.

Levi: You have parents around to help with your kids?

Ingrid: Nope. My mom got me in the divorce, but once puberty hit, we were at each other’s throats daily, so she let my grandparents raise me. I was already at their place most days after school until bedtime anyway.

Levi: I’m having a hard time picturing you at anyone’s throat.

Ingrid: It’s a very good thing that who we are at eleven or twelve doesn’t define us for the rest of our lives. And my Army years were good for me too. Also, I have a feeling I’ll pay mightily for my own pre-teen years when Zoe and Piper hit theirs.

Levi: Nah. You’ll do great.

Ingrid: Spoken like a true optimist who’s never spent weeks on end with pre-teen girls and their mothers…

Levi: At least therapy’s more socially acceptable now.

Ingrid: laughing emoji So true. What about you? Did you get to hang out with your grandparents when you were growing up?

Levi: I don’t remember a lot about my grandparents. Mostly that my grandpa smelled like cigars and my grandma always stole knick-knacks every time she’d come visit. Found out later that Mom used to visit garage sales to stock up on knick-knacks for Grandma to steal, once she figured out what was going on.

Ingrid: I have a customer who sneaks stir sticks from the coffee bar into her purse when her daughter’s not looking. Sugar packets too some days. Holly, my barista, helps distract her.

Levi: The daughter or the mom?

Ingrid: The daughter. Holly’s wife’s dad was just put in a home for patients with early onset Alzheimer’s, and I think helping an old lady commit petty larceny is her way of dealing.

Levi: Ah, that sucks.

Ingrid: That’s life.

Levi: Do you think a giant rubber chicken would make any of them feel better?

Ingrid: laughing emoji Maybe? There has to be someone in the world who’d enjoy a terrifying bird that squawks for a minute.

Levi: It only squawks that long if you’re strong enough to squeeze it all the way.

Ingrid: I don’t want to know how many times you’ve displayed your strength today, do I?

Levi: Not nearly as many times as I’ve wanted to. I’m actually hiding in a bathroom because I got spotted when I squawked it the second time. My security team put me in time-out. I think I’m due back on set in an hour? Seriously losing track.

Ingrid: Is that hard? Being recognized everywhere you go?

Levi: It’s the trade-off. I know how to get off-grid when I need to.

Ingrid: But what if you’re in the middle of a tour and you can’t?

Levi: video of himself squeezing a giant rubber chicken and then letting it squawk for a minute

Ingrid: OMG. crying laughing emoji

Levi: Stress relief. Full confession: I love squawking rubber chickens. Apparently this is my screaming goat.

Ingrid: That should be super annoying but I can’t stop laughing. I’m going to wake my kids up.

Levi: Feel free to add that video to your screaming goat arsenal.

Ingrid: Now I’m picturing an army of tiny screaming goats led by you and a giant rubber chicken, and I can no longer stay in bed laughing this hard, because if I do, I’m going to wet myself. #thankschildbirth

Ingrid: Also, please delete that last message and pretend you never saw it.

Ingrid: For real. I didn’t say that.

Ingrid: Okay, it’s been ten minutes and you didn’t reply, so I’m going to assume that my goat army and I are on our own. Excuse me while I go die of mortification. Enjoy playing with your rubber chicken.

Levi, three hours later: Oh, shit. Sorry, Ingrid. My chicken and I got busted by Giselle and then my manager called and I had to get back to the set for some night shooting. Just saw these. Feel free to picture me playing with my rubber chicken anytime if it makes you feel better. Gotta dash again. Talk to you soon. gif of himself blowing a kiss





Fourteen





Levi



After an eternity away and a very long plane ride home, my body refuses to acknowledge that this hour of the day should be for sleeping.

And I refuse to acknowledge that I was supposed to stay in LA to hang out with Cash for a few days on my way back from Australia instead of sitting in the small recording studio in my condo, fiddling with some lyrics and waiting for the clock to tick over to a reasonable hour to text a lady and ask if I can take her to breakfast.