The Hate U Give(65)

“You had no way of knowing, baby,” she says.

“That’s the thing. If I would’ve been there for him, I—”

“Couldn’t have stopped him. Khalil was almost as stubborn as you. I know you cared about him a lot, even as more than a friend, but you can’t blame yourself for this.”

I look up at her. “What you mean ‘cared about him as more than a friend’?”

“Don’t play dumb, Starr. Y’all liked each other for a long time.”

“You think he liked me too?”

“Lord!” Momma rolls her eyes. “Between the two of us, I’m the old one—”

“You just called yourself old.”

“Older one,” she corrects, and shoots me a quick stank-eye, “and I saw it. How in the world did you miss it?”

“I dunno. He always talked about other girls, not me. It’s weird though. I thought I was over my crush, but sometimes I don’t know.”

Momma traces the rim of her mug. “Munch,” she says, and it’s followed by a sigh. “Baby, look. You’re grieving, okay? That can amplify your emotions and make you feel things you haven’t felt in a long time. Even if you do have feelings for Khalil, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Even though I’m with Chris?”

“Yes. You’re sixteen. You’re allowed to have feelings for more than one person.”

“So you’re saying I can be a ho?”

“Girl!” She points at me. “Don’t make me kick you under this table. I’m saying don’t beat yourself up about it. Grieve Khalil all you want. Miss him, allow yourself to miss what could’ve been, let your feelings get out of whack. But like I told you, don’t stop living. All right?”

“All right.”

“Good. So that’s two things,” she says. “What else is up?”

What isn’t up? My head is tight like my brain is overloaded. I’m guessing emotional hangovers feel a lot like actual hangovers.

“Hailey,” I say.

She slurps her coffee. Loudly. “What that li’l girl do now?”

Here she goes with this. “Momma, you’ve never liked her.”

“No, I’ve never liked how you’ve followed her like you can’t think for yourself. Difference.”

“I haven’t—”

“Don’t lie! Remember that drum set you begged me to buy. Why did you want it, Starr?”

“Hailey wanted to start a band, but I liked the idea too.”

“Hold up, though. Didn’t you tell me you wanted to play guitar in this ‘band,’ but Hailey said you should play drums?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Them li’l Jonas boys,” she says. “Which one did you really like?”

“Joe.”

“But who said you should be with the curly-headed one instead?”

“Hailey, but Nick was still fine as all get-out, and this is middle school stuff—”

“Uh-uh! Last year you begged me to let you color your hair purple. Why, Starr?”

“I wanted—”

“No. Why, Starr?” she says. “The real why.”

Damn. There’s a pattern here. “Because Hailey wanted me, her, and Maya to have matching hair.”

“E-xact-damn-ly. Baby, I love you, but you have a history of putting your wants aside and doing whatever that li’l girl wants. Excuse me if I don’t like her.”

With all my receipts put out there like that, I say, “I can see why.”

“Good. Realizing is the first step. So what she do now?”

“We had an argument yesterday,” I say. “Really though, things have been weird for a while. She stopped texting me and unfollowed my Tumblr.”

Momma reaches her fork onto my plate and breaks off a piece of pancake. “What is Tumblr anyway? Is it like Facebook?”

“No, and you’re forbidden to get one. No parents allowed. You guys already took over Facebook.”

“You haven’t responded to my friend request yet.”

“I know.”

“I need Candy Crush lives.”

“That’s why I’ll never respond.”

She gives me “the look.” I don’t care. There are some things I absolutely refuse to do.

“So she unfollowed your Tumblr thingy,” Momma says, proving why she can never have one. “Is that all?”

“No. She said and did some stupid stuff too.” I rub my eyes. Like I said, it’s too early. “I’m starting to wonder why we’re friends.”

“Well, Munch”—she gets another freaking piece of my pancakes—“you have to decide if the relationship is worth salvaging. Make a list of the good stuff, then make a list of the bad stuff. If one outweighs the other, then you know what you gotta do. Trust me, that method hasn’t failed me yet.”

“Is that what you did with Daddy after Iesha got pregnant?” I ask. “’Cause I’ll be honest, I would’ve kicked him to the curb. No offense.”

“It’s all right. A lot of people called me a fool for going back to your daddy. Shoot, they may still call me a fool behind my back. Your nana would have a stroke if she knew this, but she’s the real reason I stayed with your daddy.”