The Half Sister(31)

‘I might be able to do something tomorrow,’ she says, though her brain’s already registering how unfeasible that is. If Simon’s working, he’ll go to the pub straight from the job. If he’s not got any work, he might stay at home. She panics when she realizes that it doesn’t matter, as either way she can’t go anywhere.

‘When will you know?’ he asks.

‘I, er . . . I don’t know. I’ll need some time to sort things out.’ She imagines him asking what there is to sort out and her telling him that it’s just the small problem of getting rid of her controlling husband and drafting in her mother to look after the three children she’s denied having.

‘I’ll see what I can do,’ she says. ‘I’ll call you later.’

‘Okay,’ he says. ‘But Lauren . . .’

‘Yes?’ she says, feeling as if every word she utters is catching in her throat.

‘Do your best.’

She puts the phone down, his urgency resounding in her ears, not knowing whether it’s that which is causing her stomach to flip or the nostalgia that hearing his voice evokes. They were so young, too young to be able to cope with the responsibilities that came with a teenage relationship turning into an adult one. If only they’d met later, when they both knew who they were and what they wanted.

‘Mum, can you do me a favour tomorrow night?’ she says as she walks into the house. She puts the solitary bag of shopping on the counter and absently clicks the kettle on.

‘Is that it?’ Rose asks, nodding towards the half-full bag.

Lauren can barely remember being in the supermarket, let alone what she’d bought.

She nods. ‘I might nip out and if Simon’s not about, I wondered if you would mind the kids for a bit.’

‘Of course,’ says Rose. ‘What are you up to?’

The words are accusing, but the tone in which she says them tells Lauren they’re not meant to be. Nevertheless, Lauren can feel her cheeks going red and she turns to put a jar of coffee in a cupboard already over-stocked with caffeine.

‘Erm . . . I’m going to try and get Kate out.’ It’s the first thing she can think of.

‘Oh, that would be lovely,’ enthuses Rose. ‘It would do you two the power of good to get together and sort out your differences.’

‘I’m sorry for the trouble this has all caused,’ says Lauren.

‘It can’t be helped,’ says Rose, in the sing-song voice she puts on when she means the exact opposite. ‘But you would have been wise to have thought about the consequences beforehand.’

‘I hate him,’ says Lauren, with such vitriol that she surprises even herself.

‘Don’t say that, darling,’ says Rose, sidling up beside her. ‘It would break his heart. He was your father and he loved you so very much.’

‘If he loved me, he’d never have done what he did,’ she cries. ‘How could he have had a baby with someone else, when all the time . . . he . . . he . . .?’ Her shoulders convulse and a sob escapes from her chest.

‘Lauren,’ implores Rose, taking her daughter’s hands in her own. ‘You have to leave this alone. You need to leave this in the past where it belongs. You can’t continue punishing yourself like this.’

‘I shouldn’t be the one being punished,’ cries Lauren. ‘He should.’

‘And don’t you think that not seeing his sixtieth birthday is punishment enough?’

Lauren looks down at her feet as tears fall onto her cheeks.

‘And don’t you think he knew what he’d done?’ soothes Rose. ‘That he knew how wrong he was.’

‘So why didn’t you stop him?’ sobs Lauren, feeling an overwhelming desire to lash out at her mother, at anything, just so she can release the years of pent-up frustration that swirl relentlessly around her body.

Rose takes her daughter in her arms and holds her tight, making Lauren cry even louder.

‘There was nothing I could do,’ says Rose into her ear. ‘I tried everything – but no matter what I said or did, he wouldn’t listen.’

‘There must have been something . . .’ says Lauren.

‘You know what your dad was like,’ says Rose softly. ‘Once his mind was made up, that was it. But it didn’t mean he loved you any less.’

Lauren’s tears fall onto Rose’s shoulders as her mother strokes her hair, just like she used to when she was younger. Lauren feels as if she’s on the outside of herself, looking onto the same scene of some twenty-two years ago.

‘It’s not good for you to be around Jess,’ Rose says, holding Lauren at arm’s length. ‘I don’t think you should see or talk to her again.’

‘She deserves to know the truth,’ says Lauren.

Rose shakes her head. ‘No!’ she says abruptly. ‘Look at the state of you. Look at what it’s doing to you.’

Lauren contemplates telling her mother that Justin showing up after all this time is the straw that’s broken the camel’s back, but she thinks better of it.

‘I can handle it,’ she says.

‘If you honestly believe that, then you’re in denial. If you carry on with this, it will rip this family apart – look at what it’s done to you and Kate already. Why don’t you concentrate on sorting out that relationship, rather than go on a wild goose chase after someone you don’t even know?’