The Girl I Used to Be(72)

“Everything’s okay with you and Joe?” she’d asked nervously. “You’d tell me if there was a problem, wouldn’t you?”

I pictured myself telling her everything that had happened. She would have had a heart attack before I’d finished.

“Everything’s fine,” I’d said instead, but she didn’t seem convinced.

We parked in their driveway and Rory jumped out, eager to ring their doorbell. This was the game they always had to play, to be amazed we were there.

As soon as my mum opened the door and shouted, “Grandad, we’ve got surprise visitors!” Rory ran through the house to find him. I must have been looking a real state because my mum took one look at me and hugged me tightly.

We went into the house to find my dad. The game was that he would hide in the house and Rory would have to find him. Although my dad was over six feet tall, this took longer than you might think.

Eventually, after finding him in the garden shed, where he was actually oblivious to our arrival, Rory and I sat at the patio table while my mum brought us some dinner and my dad made drinks.

It was so peaceful sitting there with them. The garden was enclosed and private, giving an aura of safety and security that I badly needed. Rory chattered away to them about all the things he and Joe had got up to in Ireland and I was able to sit back and relax.

“You’ve been working too hard,” said my mum. “You’ll stay for a few days?”

“I’m having a week off,” I said. “I’m going to sort something out with Lucy, too.” I hadn’t even thought of that until now. “I’m going to ask her to work every weekday for a while, just for a few hours, so that I can get some time off.”

“When did you last have a day off work?”

“I had a day off when Joe and Rory came back from Ireland.”

“And before that?”

“When Rory wasn’t well.”

“It’s not right, Gemma,” said my mum softly. “And it’s not fair, either, that you’re taking on the whole burden. I thought Joe would go back to work soon, but you need to have a think about the way you want to live your life. It’s not fair that you’re the one working all the time.”

I was glad Joe wasn’t there; she would have said the same thing then, too. It always caused problems when she complained about the way we lived.

“I know,” I said. “I need to reconsider things. But Joe wants us to go and live in Ireland. His brother, Brendan, is moving there.”

“What will he do over there? Is there work?”

“He seems to think I could set up my business over there.”

“And he’ll stay home with Rory?” Her mouth tightened. “But surely you couldn’t just start up in another country?”

Luckily Rory interrupted us to ask if he could have a bath. They’d had a Jacuzzi put in when they had their bathroom refitted the year before and it was always the highlight of Rory’s day. Her attention was on him then; she took him upstairs while my dad cleared the table and tidied up the kitchen.

“No, sit down,” he said, when I tried to help. “Have a rest.”

I closed my eyes and tried to blank my mind but couldn’t. I had so many thoughts racing around my head. Joe was the least of my problems right then, though of course my main concern was stopping him from finding out what had happened. I knew I should go to the police. I knew now where David lived, and as long as Rachel hadn’t warned him, it would be easy for them to question him. I was furious that he thought he could get away with it, but I was terrified, too, at what he might do next. I knew I needed to act before he could do anything more.

At seven o’clock I heard my phone beep from my handbag in the living room. My dad passed me my bag. “It might be Joe,” he said. I knew he thought I was there because we’d fallen out.

It was a text from Rachel.

I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted at you.

Relief surged through me.

It’s OK, I replied. He’s your brother. I know you loved him.

I sat in the sun a minute longer, then sent another message: You know you have to delete these texts?

Immediately she replied, I will. I’m deleting them straightaway.

I had to know. What are you going to do?

This answer took longer. I need to get away from him. I might go abroad and put all this behind me. I thought I’d better warn you because of work.

Don’t worry about that, I replied. As long as you’re safe.

She asked, What are you going to do? You should tell the police now. Please, just tell me before you do.

She was right on both counts. She needed to get away. I needed to tell the police.

A second later she sent another message: We should go to the police together.

But Rachel, I wrote, if I talk to the police then you are implicated.

I know, she replied. I’ll admit everything. I can’t believe the way I’ve acted. I’ve told David I overheard you on the phone saying you were thinking of going to the police, so he shouldn’t do anything for a while. I said you wouldn’t tell me what was going on.

Then another message popped up: He’s back.





FIFTY-FIVE


    GEMMA


UPSTAIRS, MY MUM was sitting on a chair in the bathroom, watching Rory in the bath. It was a huge corner whirlpool bath and he would happily spend hours in there with all his toy fish and dolphins. I stood in the doorway and watched my mum as she chatted to him. Her face was soft and happy, and she smiled when she saw me there.