The Girl I Used to Be(18)

“It’s because he’s always gone for a run with Mike on a Saturday morning,” said Caitlin tactfully. “It does him good. You know that.”

“Well, I used to go shopping in town on a Saturday afternoon and have cocktails afterward,” I said. “And that did me good, too.”

She grinned. “I remember. Those were great days.”

“Things change when you have children. And he has plenty of free time when he could go running. Rory’s in nursery three afternoons a week.”

“I suppose Mike’s not free then,” she said. “It’s different going on your own.”

“I know,” I admitted. I did want to be fair to Joe. “And it’s what we agreed when we had Rory. Joe doesn’t know any other stay-at-home dads and he doesn’t feel part of the women’s groups. He needs to see his friends every now and then.”

Caitlin nodded. “You do need to stick up for yourself a bit more, though,” she said. “We’ve talked about this, Gem. You need to be more assertive with Joe. You can do it at work; you need to make sure you do it at home, too.”

This was something we’d talked about many times. She was right; I had no problem being assertive at work. I knew what had to be done and I did everything I could to make it happen. I felt in control of things there. But at home . . . I still found it hard to say what I wanted at times. And I knew why I struggled with it, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

She moved her chair closer to me so that Rory couldn’t hear us. “It’s still working for you, isn’t it, having Joe at home with Rory? It’s much easier than if you had to rush to nursery to pick up Rory every night. Imagine that if you had a client you needed to talk to. If Joe was working in Liverpool or Manchester, the pressure to be there for Rory as well as be in the office would be horrendous.”

I nodded. “I know, and it does work well. It’s just . . . I know it’s easier having Joe at home, but it’s tough at the moment. I’m working every day and any free time I spend with Rory, but it means I don’t have a minute for anything else.”

“What about the evenings? Fancy doing something then? I could stay over. Or I could babysit and you could go out with Joe.”

“I’d love to. It’s just I’m usually working till late. I don’t think I could cope with going out.” I laughed. “I don’t even know what I’d do if I had some spare time. I don’t seem to have any interests or hobbies. I can’t even remember the last time I finished a book.” I saw the worry on her face. “Sorry, Caitlin, I don’t mean to complain so much. I’m just tired.”

The sun was high now, burning us. I was still in my dressing gown and it was eleven o’clock. Time to go and shower and get ready for the day.

“You weren’t this tired before,” she said. “I know I haven’t seen you for a few weeks because I’ve been away, but you seemed okay before. Is everything all right?”

I looked over at her, at her kind, concerned face. We’d been through so many things together and had always pulled through. She’d been there for me during my darkest time and until now I’d thought I could tell her anything.

I desperately wanted to tell her about the weekend in London, at how drunk I’d been and how David had kissed me, but something stopped me. When I married Joe, Caitlin and I had become sisters-in-law, and though this had brought us nothing but happiness, I realized with a lurch that her loyalties would be with Joe, not me.

That thought was too much to cope with just then. I jumped out of my seat and started to clear away the plates from the table. “Everything’s fine. Don’t worry.”

“Leave this,” said Caitlin. “I’ll do it. You go on up and have a shower. I can keep an eye on Rory while I sort the kitchen out.”

I kissed her cheek.

“And me!” Rory shouted, and he ran down the garden path on his stocky little legs. “I want a kiss, too!”

I hugged him to me, breathing in the smell of strawberries and grass and milk. I looked over to see Caitlin looking at me, a look of yearning on her face.

“You’re so lucky, Gem,” she said. She came over to us and put her arms around us. “I’d give anything to have what you have.” When Rory wriggled away and went back to his tent on the lawn, she said, “I love you and Joe, you know. And Rory, too, of course. You’re my favorite people in the whole world.” She kissed my cheek and whispered, “I’m so glad you two got together.”

I smiled and hugged her, the guilt of keeping secrets from her and from Joe nearly overwhelming me.





TWELVE


Thursday, July 27

THE FOLLOWING WEEK was even busier at work. Sophie phoned in sick on Monday morning, and for a day or two I thought we’d manage without her, but after an eight P.M. finish on Tuesday night, I admitted defeat and called Lucy when I got home to ask whether she could help us out. Lucy used to work with us, but after her daughter, Maisie, was born four years ago, she decided to stay at home with her. We remained in touch and over the years Lucy stood in whenever I needed help. We agreed she’d work school hours for the rest of the week.

On Thursday morning I was out with a newly retired couple, showing them properties a little farther out of town. We went from house to house and they loved them all. I knew instinctively that they wouldn’t be buying anything. They seemed to treat it as a bit of a day out, a chance to have a look around people’s houses. They came back to the office to pick up a bunch of other details and went off for lunch, happily chatting about the houses they’d seen.