The Girl I Used to Be(10)

“Poor guy,” said Joe.

When the band came off stage he went over to the guitarist and clapped him on the shoulder. I could see he was being kind to him, shaking his head as the young man protested. “It’s nerves,” I heard him say. “Next time you’ll be fine.”

He came over to me and said, “So, you’re Gemma.” I remember I blushed then, and he said, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

We stood together at the corner of the bar for hours that night, and it was only when the pub was closing that I turned to see Caitlin smiling at us. She bundled me into the ladies’ loo before we left, and as soon as we were alone, she said, “I knew you’d like him!”

I couldn’t deny it. I couldn’t stop smiling, either. “Why didn’t you introduce me before?”

She hesitated, and immediately I knew what she was about to say. “Now’s the right time,” she said eventually, and I knew she meant she couldn’t have risked it before. She was right. I’d been a bit of a mess for years, but she’d helped me get through it.

“You planned this?” I asked.

She grinned at me and refused to answer.

Joe was staying with a local friend, as his parents’ home, where I was staying, was full of visiting friends and relations. He offered to walk me back there that night, but we were talking so much by the time we got there that he didn’t want to let me go. He said he’d take me on a tour of his old haunts, and we walked for miles around the deserted streets of his hometown. I think I knew that night that he’d always be in my life.

Now, as I approached the hotel, I stopped to send Joe a text.

Just walking through Covent Garden. I know it’s not Dublin, but it’s making me think of the night we met xx

He replied:

Oh that was a great night. One of the best nights of my life. Last night was pretty good, too xx

I blushed. It certainly had been.

For me, too. Missing you both. xxx





SIX


IT WAS A hot night and I felt sticky and horrible from the journey and the walk to the hotel. A big corner bath was calling to me, but when I heard the sound of people talking and laughing out on the terrace below, I decided to have a shower instead and go down to see if there was anyone I knew in the bar. If there wasn’t, I planned to come back up, order some food and wine, and have a long bath and an early night.

After a quick shower I changed into a dark green silk dress with spaghetti straps that I’d brought with me in case I went out to dinner. I put some makeup on, slipped on my sandals, and wondered who’d be there. I had to do these training days every now and then, and often I’d bump into the same crowd. It wasn’t that we kept in touch with each other outside the events, but over the years we’d gravitate toward each other whenever we met. Those of us with our own agencies understood each other’s problems, and it was always good to talk freely, in a way I didn’t like to do with people I met in Chester. I didn’t want local people knowing anything about my business worries.

I switched both bedside lamps on, ready for when I returned later, and went down to the bar.

“A gin and tonic, please,” I said to the barman.

“Single? Double?” I hesitated, and he said, “Why not? Kick-start the weekend!”

I laughed. “Go on, then.”

Drink in hand, I turned to see who was there. The bar was crowded and I could see from the variety of lanyards and badges that there were quite a few events that weekend. I walked around the perimeter of the room but couldn’t see anyone I knew. Trying to quell my disappointment, I realized most people would probably just travel down the next morning rather than stay overnight. Usually these training sessions were a two-day event, with everyone staying over on the middle night.

I drank my gin and ordered another, and yes, it was another double. It was a hot summer night, just the right weather for gin and tonic, and I didn’t have anyone I was responsible for. I felt if I wanted a drink, I’d damn well have one.

Just as I’d decided to go back up to my room, my phone beeped in my bag. I checked my messages, hoping Rory was ready for a chat before he went to bed. He’d been out to a friend’s house earlier, so we’d agreed he’d call at bedtime.

Hey Gem, are you having a good time? Rory’s just had a bath and fallen asleep. Sorry, he was going to call you. Fancy a chat? xx

I stared at the phone. That was the one thing I’d asked him to do tonight. He knew how much I missed Rory. I didn’t want to talk to Joe now; I’d only get angry. And I’d had a couple of drinks; I knew he’d be able to tell. I didn’t want a conversation about that. I was about to ignore his message but knew there’d be a flurry of others and I’d end up snapping at him, so I sent him a message:

In the bath then I’m going to sleep. Will call you tomorrow xx

In seconds he replied:

Oh ok. Night xx

I could sense his disappointment that I couldn’t chat and felt bad almost immediately but stopped myself in my tracks. Whenever he went away for the night I just sent the odd message, but when I went anywhere, he was never off the phone. I ignored the fact that I was usually really glad of this and drank some more gin.

After circuiting the bar, I walked into the lobby. Again, I knew nobody there. Then I saw a group of middle-aged men walk in through the revolving door, and my stomach sank. One of them, Liam Fossett, was one of the most boring people I knew. I should have guessed he’d be here; he worked up in the northeast, so he’d have to stay overnight. When he saw me, his face lit up. He waved and I let my eyes drift past him, as though I hadn’t seen him. Out of the corner of my eye, though, I could see that he was pushing his way through the crowd toward me.