The Galaxy, and the Ground Within (Wayfarers #4)(70)

‘You’re not,’ Speaker said.

‘Of course I am. I put my work above them.’ Anger entered Roveg’s voice; Speaker could hear its sharpness facing inward. ‘And the worst part is, I still don’t think that was the wrong thing to do. I hate having left them. It kills me every day. But I also couldn’t have kept pretending to believe in something I didn’t. I cared more in the end about telling the truth than I did about being a father. I wish I regretted that more than I do.’ He turned his gaze to the ground. ‘And I’m sure you all think I’m a real bastard now.’

Captain Tem’s face shifted colour pensively. ‘The friend I’m going to see is named Ashby,’ Captain Tem said. ‘He’s a tunneller, and he’s Exodan, and he’s my …’ The talkbox went quiet. ‘We’ve been coupling for about four standards now.’

Roveg turned his head to her, his eyes glittering. ‘My, my, Captain. I never would’ve guessed.’

The Aeluon gave him a sharp look. ‘Does it bother you?’

‘Not in the slightest,’ he said. ‘I just wouldn’t have bet on you being so subversive.’

‘I’m not,’ she said with a flat laugh. ‘Or at least, I never thought I was. I wasn’t trying to make a statement, like you were. He was just … just this person I liked.’

‘A person you still like, I gather.’

‘Yeah.’

He studied her face. ‘You like him a lot.’

‘Yeah,’ she said, then frowned. ‘You know, it’s really annoying that you can read my face but I can’t read yours.’

‘It’s not my fault you can’t detect my pheromones.’

‘Yeah, well, anyway.’ She went to the cupboard to fetch a cup for herself. ‘It’s gone on for so long that I’m having trouble stomaching it. Not him, I mean. I mean the secrecy. I don’t mind us spending time apart. We have different jobs, different lives. We’re usually both on a long haul. That’s just how we are. But pretending that he doesn’t exist … do you know how it feels to be with your friends and talk about your life and cut an entire piece of it out?’

‘Yes,’ Roveg said. ‘I do.’

‘But you did the risky thing anyway. So maybe you are selfish. I don’t know. But even if you are, I think you’re brave. You’re braver than me, for sure. Because I’m hurting him. I know I’m hurting him. But I haven’t stopped hurting him, because I’m too afraid. And sometimes fear is good. Fear keeps you alive. But it can also keep you from what you really want. And that’s my problem – I don’t know what I want. I want to keep both halves of myself, and I want them to stay exactly as they are. But—’

‘But you can’t do that forever,’ Roveg said. ‘You can’t split yourself like that without feeling each side begin to fray. I know.’ His spiracles pulsed. ‘And even if you do choose one over the other, the one you abandoned is never really gone.’

‘How do you mean?’

Roveg drained the bowl. ‘One of my sons wrote to me earlier this standard. Boreth. I have no idea how he found me. I was honestly afraid when I got his message, because whatever pathways he took cannot be legal. I admit, part of me was proud of that. I think perhaps he’s turned into a troublemaker like me.’ He set the bowl down on the counter. ‘We have a ceremony – the First Brand. It’s a coming-of-age ritual, performed when you’ve stopped growing and your shell is the same size it will be for the rest of your life.’ Speaker could hear the sorrow in his voice at this, the grief over years he had not seen. ‘It’s happening for my boys in two tendays, and he asked me if I would apply for the entry permit so I could come. I thought they’d hate me for leaving. Maybe the rest of them do, I don’t know. But Boreth wants me there, so …’

‘So that’s why you’re going back,’ Speaker said softly.

‘Yes.’

‘Are you going to make it?’ she asked.

Roveg pulled himself together. ‘I don’t know,’ he said, stating simple fact. ‘At this point … I don’t know.’

‘There has to be something you can do to get your permit,’ Captain Tem said. ‘Some kind of strings you can pull.’

‘Not for someone like me,’ he said. ‘In GC space? Sure. I could call a friend, line a pocket, whatever it took. But in Quelin territory, I’m nothing. Worse than nothing. I’m a dangerous something, and all they need is the slightest of excuses – one box unchecked, one toe out of place – to not grant me any favours.’

‘That’s not right,’ Captain Tem said.

‘And neither is having to keep your Human partner secret,’ Roveg said. ‘But here we are.’

The aliens fell quiet, and after a second, Speaker realised they’d both turned their eyes to her. ‘Don’t look at me,’ Speaker said. ‘I don’t have any secrets. I just want to go home.’

Roveg laughed, but he spoke with sincerity. ‘And that’s what I like about you, Speaker. You don’t have any problem telling anybody exactly who you are.’

Speaker cocked her head at him. ‘Yes, I do. Of course I do. I can’t always speak my mind, not if I want to get the things I need or go places I need to go. Everything I do, every word I say, is calculated to make people comfortable. To make them respect me. None of it is a lie, but it is an act, and it’s one that gets very, very tiring.’