The Friendship List(82)
She stopped about twenty feet from the bus, then turned and quickly walked back toward the lobby. There was still one night left, she thought with a groan. One night where who knew what could happen.
She opened her tote and looked up the number for the hotel in Eugene. When she was connected with the front desk, she said as cheerfully as she could, “Hi, this is Ellen Fox. We have eight reservations for tonight. The high school group? I need to make a change.”
It didn’t take long to make sure her room had two beds and to cancel Lissa’s reservation. When they arrived at the hotel, the teen would be forced to room with Ellen, thereby insuring there was no late night Luka visit. On the downside, Ellen wouldn’t be sneaking into Keith’s room either, which was a high price to pay, but worth it, considering the circumstances.
“Sometimes you have to take one for the team,” she murmured as she hung up.
Thaddeus poured himself a second cup of coffee. He’d been up early after a restless night spent wanting what he couldn’t have. The shower hadn’t helped at all. Knowing Unity was sleeping just a few feet away had kept him on edge until, at close to five, he’d decided to admit defeat and start his day.
He’d circled by the front door to see if her purse was still on the entry table where she’d put it the night before. He stared at the handbag, somewhat surprised she’d stayed. He’d half expected her to bolt in the night.
She was different this time, he thought as he put down the sports section of The Seattle Times and picked up The Wall Street Journal. More open, less sad. While he wanted to believe the change was real, he knew trusting her completely would be a mistake. Not that he was doing a very good job of keeping himself emotionally distant. Every minute he spent with Unity sucked him in deeper.
“Morning.”
He looked up and saw her walking into the eating area off the kitchen. She had returned to her regular self—jeans, a T-shirt, no makeup and straight hair. While he’d enjoyed dressed-up Unity, this was the woman he knew and, well, liked.
“Good morning. Did you sleep?”
She smiled as she raised a shoulder. “I don’t do well in strange surroundings. But the room is lovely and that shower is perfection. I’m thinking of doing some remodeling in the house and the bathroom gave me lots of ideas.” She paused. “Coffee?”
He pointed to the second place setting at the table and the carafe. “Help yourself.”
She sat down and took in the plate of fresh fruit, the croissants and butter. “Very fancy. Do you do this every day?”
He folded the paper and set it on the chair next to him. “No. I can order room service from the hotel. This is from them. However, I am capable of scrambling you some eggs, if you’d like.”
“This is plenty. Thank you.”
She poured herself coffee, then took a croissant. After breaking it open, she looked at him.
“The kissing was nice.”
Not the conversational opening he’d been expecting. “Yes, it was. I was worried you wouldn’t be okay with it.”
“I was. I haven’t thought much about sex since Stuart died. It was nice to know that part of me hasn’t atrophied from lack of use.”
“You don’t feel guilty?” A dumb ass question, but it was too late to unask it.
She shook her head. “There isn’t any guilt. It’s not like that. When I think about Stuart, I feel sad. I think maybe the not moving on is about staying connected to him. If I have a life, I leave him behind.”
“He’s not here to leave.”
“I know. Which creates my dilemma. I think guilt would be easier to handle—that happens when you violate your own moral code. But for me, I’ve never been sure of what I’m allowed to do or not do. At the same time, I’ve assumed I’m the one making the rules. What if I’m not?” She picked up her coffee. “Do you want me to change the subject?”
“Not at all.”
He didn’t enjoy talking about Stuart but believed ignoring him didn’t work, either. He was a part of Unity. Without Stuart, she would be a different person.
“It’s like the kid thing,” she continued. “Last night, when Lela was talking about her children, I had such an ache inside. I always wanted children.”
“You had a plan. His mother dying changed the timeline.”
She smiled. “You remember.” She picked at her croissant. “It was a dumb plan. What were we thinking? That kids couldn’t possibly be moved once they were in school? That’s ridiculous. We shouldn’t have waited. We shouldn’t have taken the chance. I feel so stupid. I want kids. Sometimes I can practically feel what it’s like to hold a baby in my arms.”
She stared at him. “Oh, wait. I just remembered I’m not supposed to say that to the guy I’m dating. It’s considered scary, right?”
He chuckled. “You wanting kids is so the least of it, Unity.”
“I’m not pressuring you to be a father.”
“I understand that.”
“Good. It’s just we put it off. We were always waiting for something. Having children, Stuart to retire so we could move back to Willowbrook. We lived by very clear rules, but why? We lived our lives waiting and now I’m wondering if I’ve just continued that habit. I feel like I’m waiting, too. But I don’t know for what? Waiting to be sixty so I can move into Silver Pines? If I want kids, I should figure out a way to have them. If I want to be better, then I should be better. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself and I don’t know that it started when Stuart was killed. I think it happened a long time ago.” She sighed. “It’s something I have to think about.”