The Family Remains(38)

But she sucked it all back down inside her, lay silently on her back and waited for him to return. When he did, she tenderly wrapped an arm around him and said, ‘I love you.’

But even as she said the words, she wondered if they were true because she was pretty sure that love was not meant to feel this way.

‘I’m going to turn this around, Rachel. I promise. I am going to turn this around.’

She nodded, but said nothing.

It was safer that way.





32




June 2019


I give it an hour after I get back to my hotel, and then I call him.

‘Kris. It’s me. Joshua. From earlier. I’m so, so sorry, but I think I might have left my watch on your bike.’

‘Your—?’

‘My watch. It’s a vintage Cartier. My father’s. I took it off and put it in one of your baskets and stupidly forgot to grab it back at the end of the trip.’

‘Ah. Right. OK. Cool. The Gold Wing is in the garage for the night. I rent a space for it, two blocks down. I can’t get to it right now, but I can look later on? If you’re OK waiting a while?’

‘Yes. Yes. Absolutely. No rush. I’m here for a few days more. I can meet you somewhere. Anywhere. At your convenience.’

‘Or I could just drop it at your hotel lobby?’

‘No, I don’t want to inconvenience you. Just let me know where you’ll be and I can meet you there.’

‘Yeah, sure. Whatever. Of course. I’ll message you when I’ve found it.’

‘Great. Thank you so much, Kris. I’m so sorry for being a pain.’

‘Not at all, Joshua. Not at all.’

It’s ten o’clock and I should flip open my laptop and catch up with my emails. I have absolutely been neglecting work. I’ve told the team that I’ve caught a bug and am laid up in my hotel room and will check my emails intermittently, but I have not looked at them at all. Not once since I got here. And now I have a couple of hours to myself but I just can’t. I am smouldering inside with the knowledge that he is here, in the same city as me.

Phin is in Chicago. Phin has an apartment in Chicago but is not staying in it. Phin is bisexual. I have spent the afternoon with a man who has had sex with him, but who doesn’t know where he is. But there is another friend who might know where he is. Sexy Mati from the bikers’ bar.

I shower and change and half an hour later I’m back at the Magdala.

‘The girl, Mati, she was in here Saturday night with a big guy with the—’ I run my hands down my forearms to describe the tattoo sleeves.

The bartender narrows his eyes at me and nods.

‘Has she been in tonight?’

He shakes his head. ‘During the week, she has the kids.’

‘She has kids?’

‘Yeah. Two of them. She won’t be back here until Friday.’

‘Ah. Right. That’s a shame. I’ll probably be back in London by then.’

‘What do you want with her?’

‘We have a mutual friend. A friend of mine from London. I heard he was back in town, but nobody seems to know where he is. I just thought she might have a clue.’

‘The Finn guy?’

I glance at him in surprise. ‘Oh,’ I say. ‘Yes. That’s right, the Finn guy.’

‘He was in here about half an hour ago. You just missed him.’

My vision blurs. My fingers grip the counter. I feel an icy bullet pass through my gut.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. Finn. The British guy. With the beard. Yes.’

‘Did he, erm …’ I step from one foot to the other, run the palm of my hand hard down my mouth and chin. ‘Did he say where he was headed?’

‘Nope.’

‘Was he – with anyone?’

‘Nope.’

‘Did he, I mean, was he …?’ I don’t know what to ask.

‘Are you OK?’

‘Yes. I’m fine. I’m just – annoyed that I missed him. I just – I wanted to see him, he’s very … important to me and now I feel like—’ I am starting to crack and I can see the bartender is becoming concerned. I pull myself back into shape and smile. ‘Never mind,’ I say. ‘Never mind. I’ll come back another time. I’m sure our paths will cross eventually.’

‘You want me to say anything to him? If he comes back?’

‘No. Don’t say anything. It’ll just—’ It’ll just freak him out, is what I want to say. Because that’s exactly what it will do. It will freak him out and he will run for the hills. I ramp up my smile. ‘Thank you. Anyway. I’m Joshua. By the way.’

‘Joshua. Great. Can I get you anything?’

‘No. Thank you. I think I’ll head home.’

‘Sure. Have a good night, Joshua.’

On the street I stare left and right. And then I stare straight ahead. There is a man leaving the organic supermarket opposite. A tall man. With sandy blond hair and a clipped golden-brown beard. He has a tan. He is wearing a khaki T-shirt and black shorts and a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. Two large bags of shopping hang from his hands. He stops as he leaves the store and he glances across the street.