The Devil Wears Black(67)

His head bowed. “I hope he gets better soon.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. Chase was too out of it to notice Ethan. I had to stuff him into the Uber. Wearing a ball cap, a hoodie, and a bored expression, the driver tried to make idle conversation about politics and the state of traffic.

“Your boyfriend looks trashed,” he said finally. “Too many drinks?” He pinned me with a look through the rearview mirror. “I don’t want no puking in my back seat.”

“He’s fine,” I clipped.

“So are you.” The driver grinned.

“I’m going to smoke your eyes like beef jerky if you as much as look at her that way again,” Chase groaned. It was the first time he’d spoken since we’d gotten in the car.

“Man, talk about jealousy issues.”

“We’re having a day,” I snapped, no longer caring about being polite, agreeable Martyr Maddie. “Mind keeping it quiet?”

“Sure. Sure.”

“Stop looking at her,” Chase warned again like a wounded animal. “Don’t even breathe in her direction.”

“You heard him,” I drawled at the driver, breaking out of my sweet shell.

The driver shook his head. “Jesus.”



Katie and Lori were already in Ronan’s hospital room, perched on a pastel-blue sofa that had seen better days. The antiseptic smell, bright, unforgiving fluorescent light, and morbid oldness that was glued to the walls made me nauseous. I hadn’t been to a hospital since Mom had died.

I hugged Lori and Katie as Chase collapsed on a seat next to his unconscious father’s bed. He closed his eyes, breathing through his nose.

“He had a heart attack.” Lori ran her fingers through Ronan’s thick white hair, frowning down at him. “The doctors said the heart attack itself was minor, but his systems are collapsing one by one. He is stabilized but not out of the woods. Grant is on his way.”

Chase didn’t react. He wasn’t completely there. I slunk out of the room in search of coffee and some snacks. I thought maybe Chase might wait for me to give them some space before he responded to this piece of news.

I was punching buttons on a vending machine when Katie appeared next to me, hugging her arms to her chest. She was wearing flannel pajamas and a rich coat over them. It was the first time I realized it was freezing in the hospital.

“He hasn’t been sleeping,” she said. “Chase.”

I pretended to focus on the machine. The pretzel bag wouldn’t come out. It was trapped between the glass and metallic wheel. I tried giving the machine a shake, but the thing barely even moved.

“Fuck,” I muttered. I didn’t curse. I never cursed. Katie flinched.

“I think it’s been a week since he last had an actual night of sleep,” she continued. “I don’t know if it’s just about Dad.”

Was she saying what I thought she was saying? It couldn’t be. I figured Katie had known Chase and I weren’t really together the moment I’d told her about the cheating ex I’d caught. But why would she tell me Chase was losing sleep the entire time he and I weren’t in contact? The obvious reason, because it might be true, just never occurred to me.

“I hate this for him. For all of you.” I kicked the bottom of the machine, stifling another curse when I realized my toes had fared much worse than the machine. Dammit.

“Yeah,” Katie mused, studying me closely. “I thought you’d know. Seeing as you guys are engaged. You’re engaged, right?”

I whipped my head in her direction, realizing what it was. Confrontation. Seeing as Katie hated confrontation, I knew what was at stake here.

“Oh.” I pretended to smile. “I still keep my apartment. I was home all week to work on my latest assignment.”

“So that cheating story . . .”

“You should forget about that story,” I bit out. I was ripped apart by the idea Katie was going to discover Chase’s secret. That anyone would. “Forget it altogether, Katie. I love your brother. We’re together.”

It didn’t feel like a lie anymore. No part of that sentence. And that scared me.

I was feeling restless. Almost violent. I placed my hands on either side of the vending machine and began to shake it with everything I had in me, letting out a scream that had been lodged inside my throat since the day I’d first seen Chase in that elevator a year ago. The walls in the hallway shook with my cry. The floor rocked beneath my feet. And yet I couldn’t stop. I didn’t even want to try. It was so liberating to let it all out.

The lies.

The pain.

The ache of wanting something you knew was bad for you. That was always in front of you, dangling like a forbidden fruit.

I screamed and shook the vending machine until there was no more voice in my throat. The bag of pretzels finally relented, falling down with a soft clink. I bent over to grab it and set it on a tray I’d placed on a seat next to the machine. It had three foam cups of lukewarm black coffee poured straight from a day-old pot and sandwiches that looked downright inedible. I began to make my way back to Ronan’s room like nothing had happened. Like I hadn’t screamed. Like two nurses hadn’t poked their heads out of rooms, checking if everything was okay.

Katie followed me. “I won’t say anything,” she whispered.