The Day She Came Back(73)
‘Yes. I’ll do that. I’ll read the rest of them.’
Sarah turned to face her. ‘I can tell by your tone that something is not right, and it’s important that we discuss anything that’s bothering you—’
‘Jesus, Sarah, there is so much that’s bothering me!’ She cut her short.
‘I know. I know.’ Sarah closed her eyes.
‘Actually, you don’t know. You don’t know at all—’
‘No, and you don’t know either!’ It was the first time Sarah had raised her voice, interrupting, her gaze now steady. ‘I get that things are messed up. And I know things haven’t always been great for you, but you don’t know my life, Victoria – you don’t know what it’s been like for me.’
Victoria hadn’t meant to laugh, but the snort of derision left her nose nonetheless. ‘Yes, poor you, Sarah! Jesus! Imagine if the boot was on the other foot and you had been told your child had died? Imagine that! Only for her to pop out of a cake – surprise!’ She waved both hands. ‘Yes, imagine if she just popped up, but only after you had grieved for her for the best part of eighteen years – and now think about the fact that you weren’t misinformed of her death by accident, but by design; someone lied to you, Sarah! They lied to you, they chose to make you feel that way.’
‘I can’t imagine.’
‘Well, lucky you!’ Victoria folded her arms, desperately trying to stop her anger turning to more tears.
‘But I do know what it was like to lose you. Because I lost you! And I know what it was like to wake each day and wonder what you were doing and who you were with and whether you were thinking about me, wondering if you were happy . . . I knew you were loved. I knew you were loved near and far, by Prim and by me, even if you weren’t aware of it, and I knew you were safe and warm and comfortable and all the other things that every parent wishes for their child.’
Noble, but you didn’t love me enough to choose me over drugs. That honour goes to Jens . . . ‘So, what, I should be thanking you?’
Sarah shook her head. ‘That’s not what I’m saying.’ She pinched the top of her nose, frustrated. ‘I am trying to tell you that you are not the only one who has suffered.’
Victoria bit her lip and made a ‘hmph’ noise.
‘You know, I thought – I have always thought – that the best life you could have would be one with me by your side.’ Sarah paused. ‘But I hear you talk about your hurt and how messed up you feel your life is and I don’t know if I still think it. I know I made mistakes – Prim and I both did – and I thought I could make amends. But I guess you’re right: I can’t know what it was like for you, just like you can’t know what it’s been like for me.’ She let this trail and wiped again at her eyes.
‘I guess.’ Victoria looked back towards the terminal, feeling the weight of emotion that was almost too heavy to bear. ‘I am honestly thinking that, right now, it might be better if I just jump on a plane back to England.’ She pictured the sofa in the drawing room with her on one end and Daksha on the other. This was already feeling like too much and they were yet to leave the airport terminal. If she could have clicked her heels . . .
Sarah shook her head and spoke with a note of panic. ‘Don’t do that! Please, please, don’t do that. Talking like this, so openly and honestly, is tough, I know it is! But it’s also necessary; it takes guts, and each time we do is a step we take across that long and precarious bridge that separates us. Please, don’t go. Stay here in Oslo, just for the weekend, please. We have to keep taking these steps. We have to keep talking, and hopefully, one day, if we are very lucky, we will realise that we have come to the middle of the bridge and the place we meet is where the past gets left behind and from that point on we can go in any direction we choose! But we go together.’
‘Okay.’ Victoria felt seduced by the promise of a future like that. It sounded like the calm waters in which she wanted to swim, just as it had been when Prim was her guardian and she had been unaware that anything in her life was amiss. She stood and hitched her bag on to her shoulder as the next snub-nosed silver train pulled into the platform, sitting high on the tracks.
‘Can we get this one?’ She pointed to the open doors.
‘Oh, we could have got any of them.’
‘Well, why didn’t you say?’ She rushed and jumped on board, with Sarah following suit.
‘I was enjoying our chat,’ Sarah levelled.
Victoria couldn’t help but laugh at this calm admission. Sarah had Prim’s quirkiness about her, and it was one aspect of her character she knew she would like.
The two slotted into seats side by side and Victoria realised their legs were touching, her thigh now sitting alongside that of the body in which she had grown. She found it remarkable and emotional, looking out of the window now to hide the nose itch that was usually, for her, a forerunner to tears.
The train sped along through countryside, passing places whose names she tried to pronounce in her head: Kl?fta, Lindeberg, Frogner and Lillestr?m. Every platform looked clean, graffiti-and litter-free; a bit different from the slightly tatty stations she passed when travelling into town at home, where a lick of paint and the quick strokes of a yard broom wouldn’t have gone amiss. She watched, fascinated, the Norwegians who smiled and chatted in their native tongue, a sing-song language that sounded to her ear, happy. It made her think of Daksha’s survey facts, and again she smiled, wondering what the homes might be like to which they returned and picturing the families possibly waiting for them.