The Day She Came Back(65)
‘I can imagine.’
Victoria picked at a thread on her clean pyjama bottoms. ‘It’s been like my thoughts were on a loop. I’ve been a bit obsessed with wanting to know exactly what happened, how the deal was struck, who suggested what and who agreed . . .’ She let this trail.
‘Why do you need that level of detail?’
‘Because I thought it would help me understand.’
‘I don’t think it would help, not really. I’m not saying you shouldn’t discuss it – I absolutely think you should – but I bet it was a storm of events that led things to turn out how they did. I worry that if you’re like a dog with a bone, then it might just prolong the breakdown of normal service. And I don’t want that for you.’ Daksha squeezed her toes.
‘I just want the truth.’
‘You know the truth: your mum is still alive. Prim made decisions that you can’t challenge her on because she isn’t here any more and you have to live with it. That’s it!’
Victoria sighed and looked into her lap. ‘I guess so, but there are still so many gaps. I’m thinking of going to Oslo to talk to Sarah.’ She felt a flash of nerves as the thought left her mouth. ‘I’d like answers, and she is one of the only people who might just be able to give them to me.’
‘I think that would be a brave thing to do and a brilliant thing to do.’
Victoria smiled at her friend and slid down to rest her head on her end of the sofa. ‘I have kind of been avoiding her to punish her a little bit. I wanted her to miss me, like I have always missed her.’
‘You think she hasn’t missed you? Jesus, Vic, you only have to look at the woman to see that she is utterly broken! The way she looked, standing like that in the foyer waiting for you . . . I think she’s been punished enough, and actually by letting strangers smash up Rosebank, ignoring the mother you have longed for, shagging Flynn the dickhead and shutting me out, you are only punishing yourself. Enough already!’
Victoria lifted her head and stared at her friend.
Daksha flapped her hand. ‘Sorry. Too much?’
‘Too much.’ She smiled at her friend.
ELEVEN
Victoria tucked the duvet around her legs, reached for her laptop and opened up Sarah’s emails. She took a deep breath and opened the next two letters.
May 2001
Sarah Jackson
Henbury House
West Sussex
Hello Mum,
What to say?
Your letter has provoked every emotion possible.
At first I was furious, raging! How dare you? How dare you assume that because Marcus has an illness – that’s right, the illness of addiction – that he could not be the best father to our child?
Would you suggest the same if he had a different illness? Cancer? A missing limb? Of course not, and if you think that either he or I would knowingly put our daughter in danger, then you are deluded! Bloody deluded! She is the good thing that will pull us out of this; she is the one bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel and we will cherish her!
I spoke to one of the counsellors here, who calmed me a little, and you know what, Mum? Now I feel sad for you, sad that you are willing to dismiss him so willingly and that ultimately you don’t have more faith in me. You say you do, but words are easy.
And I don’t write this to be cruel or calculating, but it is the truth.
I will be out of Henbury House before I give birth to my daughter and I was considering asking you to play a part in the arrival of this child.
But you can forget that.
How many times do I have to say it: Marcus and I come as a package.
It’s either us as a couple or neither of us.
That’s it.
There’s nothing more to say.
Sarah
‘Knock knock?’ Daksha spoke as she walked into Victoria’s bedroom.
‘Hey.’
‘You okay?’ Her concern was sweet, touching.
‘Yup.’ She touched the screen. ‘My heart aches for her, this woman in the letters.’ There was a crack to her voice.
‘Your mum?’
‘Yes. It’s hard to think this is me they are talking about, and hard to think it’s Prim that she is talking to. I can feel her pain. I can feel both of their pain.’
‘Well, I call that progress. Have you booked your flight?’
She shook her head. ‘No, I’m going to call Sarah first and just check that it’s okay for me to go.’
‘I bet it will be.’ She closed her eyes briefly. ‘Heard from Flynn?’
Again, she shook her head.
‘Do you want to hear from Flynn?’ Daksha pushed.
‘I don’t think so, but it feels weird. We had sex, ate noodles and then he just disappeared.’ She threw her palms up. ‘It’s not what I pictured when I thought about losing my virginity. But then, he’s not who I thought he was.’ She closed her eyes and sighed. I’m such an idiot . . . falling for that shit.
‘No, I bet. So what was it like?’
‘What, the sex?’
‘No, Vic, the noodles! Of course the sex!’
Victoria laughed. ‘It was . . . disappointing and brilliant and exciting and flat and intimate and embarrassing and addictive and strangely awkward.’