The Dark Calling (The Arcana Chronicles #5)(66)

“But you do brave things. That’s what matters.”

“Only when I have no other choice.” Anything “brave” I’d ever done had been because the alternative was unthinkable.

Storm the Lovers’ camp to save Jack from torture? Of course.

Draw down on that bottomless pit? No thank you. If uncontrollable emotion could turn a card, would that well reverse me?

“Doan matter why you do something. Just that you do.” His hand absently strayed to his rosary. It’d belonged to his mother, but he’d never revealed to me how she’d died.

“I just wish I had a better handle on what was coming my way. I’m afraid of the unknown. Of labor. Of having a kid when there’s no sun. We’re all on borrowed time. Why would I ever put someone else in that situation?”

“Mark my words, Evangeline, there’ll be sun again one day for Tee.”

I wished I could believe that. “This limbo is about to drive me crazy.” Was I married? Would Aric ever be in my life again? A memory arose of him saying, I was called Aric. It means a ruler, forever alone. But, for a time, he hadn’t been alone. He’d been happy with me. Or I’d thought he had been.

Real? Unreal?

“Maybe we doan have to be in limbo.” Jack hesitated, gazing past me with his brows drawn. “I told you how things were goan to go down. But now, I got new information.”

“What are you thinking?”

He faced me. “We might have another option besides the castle. There’s work here and a doctor for the baby. You’re safer from Richter on the coast. Jubilee’s better than the Ash, and it beats dying at the hands of other Arcana.”

“Is Jubilee better? I didn’t get the greatest feeling about Lorraine.”

“I thought she was okay. She’s got this place running smooth.”

I quirked a brow.

“Look, if you doan like it here, then let me build up enough of a stash to last us for a few months. We get twenty percent of whatever we find. With Kentarch, we could smuggle out even more. Once we’re outfitted, we’ll head south. The Fool hinted that I could do some good down there.” He held my gaze. “Bottom line: Death ain’t your only option.”

“We can’t just leave him under Paul’s control.” I still burned to fight for him. But I didn’t know if I burned to be with him. Could I ever move past his attack and my nightmares? “Aric once told me that you were the closest thing he’s had to a friend since his father died. Would you abandon him to his fate?”

Jack’s jaw muscle ticked. How did he feel about that admission?

“I thought you felt gratitude toward him for saving me.”

“Exactly! You and I both know Domīnija wouldn’t want you anywhere near that castle. He’d want me to keep you and Tee safe. Here with me. That arrogant bastard would beg me to keep you.”

Normally, Aric would. “How can I leave him behind? I wouldn’t abandon you.”

“You’re not hearing me—I would want you to, would pray you abandoned me.”

When I remained unmoved, Jack turned on his back, staring at the ceiling. “Logic flies out the window when you’re in love, non?”

What to say to that? Of course, I still loved Aric, but my need to save him was based on more than love. I couldn’t stand the thought of him, Lark, and Gabriel vulnerable to Paul.

Jack exhaled a long breath. “I thought I was cursed because the people of my blood only love once. But you got it worse. You’re cursed to love two men.”

“Cursed.” I could think of worse ways to describe my conflicted situation. When Aric and I had spent the night at that slave boss’s house together, I’d realized that whenever I was with him, things reminded me of Jack, with the opposite true as well. Which meant I was forever screwed. If I chose one, I’d never stop thinking about the other. I’d concluded that pain awaited me, no matter what I did.

“If life with one of them isn’t possible, peek?n, then you’re goan to have to make do.” Jack took my hand. “Now, that’s all I’ll say on the subject, me. You got to figure out your fate, take charge of it. Just like I need to take control of mine.”

He’d once told me he could handle all of this apocalyptic bullshit better than he could handle life before the Flash, because at least now he had more control over his fate.

But taking charge of mine would mean cutting out the variables I couldn’t affect—such as all the uncertainty surrounding Aric.

I wouldn’t rush a decision, despite the emotions I felt for Jack.

Despite the hopelessness I felt over Aric.

“Tomorrow me and the guys are goan to head out early. While we’re out, you can relax here.”

“You want me to stay inside? By myself?” I’d go stir-crazy in this tin can. I might grudgingly accept why women didn’t get to salvage, but I could do something.

“Not saying forever. Just till we get the lay of the land. A week or two at most.” He cut off my protest: “If you’re running around in the settlement, I’ll be too worried about you to concentrate on the job at hand.”

“On the dangerous job at hand.” Kentarch had mentioned that the water in the trench was so cold, it’d kill in moments.

Shrug. “It is what it is.”