The Contradiction of Solitude(77)
“Are you okay, Amelia?” Daddy asked, still looking at the girl with her red, red skin. She cried and cried.
I didn’t like her crying like that.
“Help me!” she screamed, and I covered my ears.
I wished she’d shut up!
“What did you talk to your dad about?” Elian asked some time later.
“The stars,” I responded, my forehead against the window. The air conditioner was on full blast. I was cold.
Freezing.
From the inside out.
“Why? What’s so important about the stars?” Elian wondered aloud. I laughed. I couldn’t stop. I laughed and laughed and laughed.
Elian chuckled along nervously.
“I spent my entire life wondering the same thing. Why they were more important than I was. And then I realized that it didn’t really matter. Because they were mine too.”
I made no sense. Elian was confused. He was justifiably concerned.
And he was falling.
Falling.
Falling…
“Do you feel better? Now that you’ve seen him?” Elian asked, breaking through my constant, uncontrollable laughter.
I stopped laughing.
I was silent.
Did I feel better?
I ran my forehead along the smooth window. I thought about smashing my head through the glass. Just to feel the pain.
Just to feel something.
Anything but the numbness.
The nothingness.
“Yes,” I lied. Giving him the word he wanted.
What made him feel better.
“Yes,” I said again.
Liar.
Deceiver.
Fraud.
Elian let out a long, pent up breath. “I’m so glad to hear that.” He was glad.
I let him have his moment of gladness.
Before I took it all away.
“So this is Norton Hill,” Elian said, as we entered the town of my sad, lonely childhood.
“This is Norton Hill,” I replied. I didn’t look around. I didn’t care about the town. Or how much it may or may not have changed.
That’s not why I was here.
Those memories weren’t why I had come.
“Do you want to see your old house?” Elian asked, following the GPS directions towards the only place I wanted to go.
“No. I don’t want to go there,” I told him.
“Why won’t she stop screaming?” I asked Daddy, my ears still covered with my hands. Ice cream was forgotten.
Daddy put the rag back in Amelia’s mouth and ran his hand over the top of her head. Gently. So loving. Like he was tucking her into bed. Would he tell her stories too?
“Is that better?” Daddy asked. I nodded and moved away from the wall and into the room. Just a little bit.
It was dark in here. Even with the light on. It was dirty too. Like it hadn’t been cleaned in a long time. Mommy would hate it here. She would complain about the dust and gross stuff on the floor. It was dark and sticky looking.
Some of it was dripping from Amelia’s arms. Blood. Lots of it.
“What’s she doing here, Daddy? Are you here to let her go?” I asked. Amelia was crying. A lot. I didn’t want to look at her but I couldn’t help it.
I felt something strange in my stomach.
So, so strange.
“That’s exactly why I’m here. And now you’re here too. I hadn’t wanted you to see this. Not yet. But maybe it’s best you found her.” Was he talking to me? Because he wasn’t looking at me.
He was looking at Amelia again. He seemed to like looking at her.
I really, really hated her.
“Well, untie her then!” I said loudly. Mad that I had lost my father’s attention. Upset because there was a girl in the chair and she looked hurt.
But most of all bothered because I wasn’t scared anymore.
“Shh, Layna. You don’t need to yell,” my father scolded and I felt silly. I crossed my arms over my chest and stuck out my bottom lip.
I felt like crying. I hated it when Daddy chided me.
Daddy saw my expression and came over to where I was standing. He bent down in on his haunches in front of me and looked into my eyes. Coal black. Just like his.
“I’m sorry. I know you’re confused, Lay. It’ll be all right.” He hugged me, and I buried my face into his shirt that smelled like tobacco and spearmint. I could hear Amelia trying to scream. It was muffled and I wished she would stop.
My daddy kissed the top of my head. “Would you like to see how it’s done?” he asked. He sounded excited.
“How what’ s done?” I was feeling a little better now that I knew he wasn’t mad at me.
“How I’m going to send Amelia up to the stars.”
“How far out of town is it?” Elian asked after we had been driving for what felt like hours but was in reality only minutes.
“Not much farther,” I told him. Remembering. Flashes. Recollections. It was all coming back.
That night.
That night that changed everything.
“Right there. Pull in and park,” I told him, pointing to a turn-off hidden from view from the road. No one ever knew the house was back there. It was hidden away. For years it was our secret.
Until now.
Now I was sharing it with Elian.