The Complication (The Program #6)(44)

“Were you in The Program?” I ask, the question suddenly occurring to me.

“Yes. But I . . .” He pauses like maybe he doesn’t think he should tell me what he’s about to. The struggle plays across his face, until finally, Michael Realm looks at me like he’s known me his whole life. But even then, I can tell he’s holding back.

“I once knew a guy,” he says, his voice drifting off dreamily, “who could never forget anything. He was stuck remembering every word, every place, every emotion. And although that might not seem terrible on the surface, think about how that plays out over time. Think if you had to relive the entire years of The Program scare. Everyone you lost, still right there. Grief is a painful emotion, Tatum, but the gift of it is that it gets better over time. It fades just enough to take the edge off.

“Now imagine if your grief stayed sharp,” he continues. “A razor against a fragile heart.” He rubs his hand absently over the scar on his neck. “Imagine remembering everything. And what a fucking curse that would be.”

“What about you?” I ask. “Would you want to remember?”

Realm lowers his arm to his side, dejected. He takes a moment, and then looks at me and smiles. “I was in The Program,” he says. “I wish I didn’t know that. There are a lot of things I wish I didn’t know.”

He’s devastation, sitting in the front seat of my Jeep. I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone so tortured. So raw. I look past him and see the grocery store has an attached café.

“Do you want to grab a coffee?” I ask suddenly. Realm studies me like he doesn’t trust my offer, but then his expression softens.

“I would love to,” he says.





CHAPTER FIVE


REALM AND I GRAB A table in the designated café area. There are six tables in this corner of the grocery store, and except for an old man eating a pastry, the place is deserted. Even the barista hangs near the back, where she’s cleaning a machine.

Coffees in hand, Realm and I sit across from each other, half-hidden behind a wood beam. Realm leans forward, elbows on the table, and wraps both hands around his coffee cup.

“So you went to Dr. Warren to get guidance on Wes,” he starts. “Or did you really want her to tell you that you shouldn’t lie to him? That you should get back together with him?”

“I think I wanted validation,” I say, staring down at the lip of my cup, running my finger along it. “I wanted her to acknowledge how difficult it was, and yeah . . .” I smile. “Maybe part of me hoped she’d tell me it was unnecessary. I don’t want to walk away from him, Realm. I love him. But after seeing how deeply hurt I was in the past, how . . . damaged, I’m scared to go back there. I’m scared for him to end up there.”

“But you still love him,” Realm says sympathetically, like he’s finishing the thought for me.

I pick up my coffee, blow on it, and take a sip. “Doesn’t that suck?” I ask, trying to lighten the moment as my tears fade.

“It’s . . . it’s super shitty—I’m not going to lie.”

I sniff a laugh and set my cup down. “It doesn’t really matter what I do,” I add. “Wes doesn’t remember me, so it was stupid for me to assume he would just love me again.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid to assume that,” Realm says, and drinks his coffee. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

I study him a moment, noting he’s smart, attractive. Noting how lonely he seems. “Do you have a girlfriend?” I ask.

“I have an ex that I’m fond of,” he offers.

I laugh. “Oh, hey. Me too.”

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Dallas was the better part of me,” he adds. “Or at least she used to be when we were together. She’s exploring the world now—traveling with her friend Cas.”

“You miss her,” I say.

“I do.”

“Is she the love of your life?”

Realm sits thoughtfully for a moment, and then he shakes his head. “No,” he says. “Because she always deserved better than me. Most people do.”

It’s such a miserable thing to say. I’m not sure if he’s being self-deprecating or truly feels that low, but his sadness is overwhelming. He hunches down slightly, his thin shoulders jutting out through his T-shirt.

I don’t believe for an instant that what he said is true. We all make mistakes, but it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be loved.

However, the realness of him right now cuts me. Worries me in a way I don’t quite understand. He coughs again, turning away, and I examine him more closely. He doesn’t look well—deeply exhausted. It makes me wonder what type of problems he loses sleep over. I don’t want him to dwell on his anguish, though, so I bring the topic back to the really messed-up shit.

“How do you know Dr. Warren?” I ask. Realm’s dark eyes flick up to me immediately. He studies me before answering.

“From The Program,” he says in a low voice. “And she’s treated several of my friends.”

“Why are you hiding from her?” I ask. To this he smiles.

“Because she’ll never give up. Dr. Warren doesn’t let things go. And for the past year, she’s been trying to find me. Not going to happen.”