The Birthday List(33)

I nodded. “Yeah. I just . . . it hurts.”

My heart had been in pieces since the night Jamie had been killed. It had taken every day of the last five years for the pain in my chest to fade to a dull ache. Still, it was there. And after every one of my interactions with Cole, that ache flared. Because when I was with Cole, I wasn’t remembering Jamie.

Cole made me forget the pain.

“I miss Jamie.” My voice cracked as the burn of tears hit my eyes. “I miss him every day. At the same time, I want to move on with my life. I know Jamie would be pissed that I’ve spent the last five years crying for him. But if I move on, who will remember him? All he has is his family and me to keep him alive.”

Molly rounded the table and pulled me into a hug. “Remember what you decided after Jamie died? How you’d get through?”

I nodded. “Minute by minute.”

After Jamie’s funeral, I’d spent months in bed. I’d sunk into a crippling depression, barely able to function on my own. Finally, Finn and Molly had gotten so worried that they’d flown my parents to town and staged an intervention. My parents had asked me to move home to Alaska, and I’d almost agreed, until Finn and Molly had announced they were pregnant with Kali. That was the first time I’d smiled after Jamie had died, and it had been my turning point. That day, I’d decided to stay so I could be here for Kali’s birth, and I’d decided to take life minute by minute. Some minutes were better than others, but it was the only way I’d been able to live a life without my husband.

Minute by minute.

“My advice is to take things with Cole minute by minute. Can you try that? And remember, you have to say yes.”

I smiled and hugged her tighter. “Yes. I’ll try.”

Molly’s phone rang on the table, interrupting our hug. I sniffled as she let me go, and swallowed the burn in my throat, determined not to cry.

“Hey,” Molly answered the call. “Okay, sure.”

She lifted the phone from her ear and held it out as Finn’s FaceTime request popped up on the screen.

“Hi, Mommy!” Kali’s little voice filled the kitchen.

“Hi, sweetie!” Molly beamed at her daughter. “How are you? You look so pretty and clean. Did you just have bath time?”

Kali nodded. “I’m in my bed too.”

“I’m so glad you called. Did you have fun at Daddy’s tonight?”

“Uh-huh.” She smiled and snuggled closer into Finn’s chest.

“Were they good?” Molly asked my brother.

“Yeah. Sorry, Max fell asleep early before we could call.”

“That’s okay.”

“Mommy? Is tomorrow a Daddy night or a Mommy night?”

“It’s a Mommy night.”

I pulled my top lip between my teeth to keep from speaking up. Mommy nights. Daddy nights. I wanted to scream at Finn and pound on the table until Molly and my brother realized what they were missing. They were throwing love away. I’d give anything to have Jamie back, and here they were, wasting a happy life because they were too stubborn to look past some mistakes.

But as always, I kept my mouth shut and went back to my piecrust.

“Say good night, Kali,” Finn ordered. “It’s late.”

Kali yawned. “Night night, Mommy.”

Molly blew her a kiss. “Night night, Kali bug. I love you.”

“Bye,” Finn muttered and ended the call.

Molly tossed the phone on the counter and braced her hands on the metal, hanging her head between her shoulders.

Oh, Molly. Mine wasn’t the only troubled heart in this kitchen.

When her shoulders started to shake, I abandoned my crust and went to her side, wrapping her in another hug. “I’m sorry.”

She nodded and swiped away the tears. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t cry.”

“You can always cry, especially on me.” I’d cried on her shoulder more times than I could count. “And it’s not only your fault. You both made mistakes.”

Molly shook her head. “No. This is on me.”

“But—”

“I cheated on him, Poppy.” I cringed as she stressed that ugly word again. “End of story. End of marriage.”

End of discussion.

She stepped out of my embrace, drying her face as she went back to her chopping and I went back to the piecrust. We worked in silence for an hour, both deep in our own heads, until finally Molly spoke up.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever love anyone other than Finn. Maybe you’ll never love anyone other than Jamie. But will you promise me something? I don’t want us both to live our lives with broken hearts. If someone new comes along—if he already has—promise you won’t let fear keep you from trying again.”

I crossed my heart. “Yes, I promise.”




A few days after Cole had offered to help me with Jamie’s birthday list, I was at Lindley Park with my phone angled up to my face as I attempted to take a selfie.

“What are you doing?” Cole asked.

I dropped my phone, surprised to see Cole standing a few feet away. Damn it. I’d hoped to have a few minutes alone to take my daily picture.

“Um, nothing. Just taking a selfie.” Or twelve.