The Better Liar(86)

Robin pursed her lips. She had no outward reaction to this speech. It was one of her greatest qualities as a kid sister: total unflappability. I appreciated that even as I recognized that she had lifted the pursed-lips expression directly from Agent Scully on The X-Files.

I tipped my head back, letting the sun turn my cheeks pink.

Robin scratched away on the tiles next to me. “You’re getting sunburned,” she told me after twenty minutes or so had passed.

I patted my face. “Really?”

But she was gone, back into the low darkness of the house. Toward my mother.

Did I know what she would do?

Yes and no. It was there, under the surface.

    I rolled onto my belly to see the scene she’d drawn: pink-and-green snow falling onto a red adobe house. You could tell it was snow and not rain because there was a pink-and-green snowman beside the house. His arms originated from his ears, and he stood at least one snow-head higher than the two-dimensional roof. Robin had added a little speech bubble. The snowman was saying, I’M TANNING!

I laughed.





53


    Robin


I brought Leslie a blanket. She sat at the kitchen table, all emptied out, orange at the corners of her mouth. “You loved me,” she said at last.

“I love you,” I corrected, hugging her around the blanket. She didn’t react. “You’re my sister,” I added anyway.

Nausea passed over her features again, and she almost got up from the table. “I should have stopped you. I should have—”

“Should have.” I made my fingers relax. “Her being here was killing us, Leslie. She wanted to die and Daddy couldn’t let her, and it was making us sick. He never admitted it. You could barely say it. But you were relieved.”

Leslie took this in. The kitchen was silent for several moments. “If I had stopped you, would you have stayed?”

“Stayed in Albuquerque?”

She nodded.

“If you had stopped me, you would have been lying to yourself. I like you better when you know what you want. I like you like this.” I cocked my head. “Truthful.”

“I hated her,” Leslie mumbled. “It felt too big for my body. I pushed it out. I hated her for not wanting us. I hated her when she was there and did nothing, and I hated her when she was gone and I missed her. I was alone with you; I didn’t know how to make you better. And then it was too late.” Her hand rose, and I felt her fingers skimming my hair. “I’m sorry.”

    “I don’t want you to be sorry.” My throat felt raw, and I swallowed. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

She receded into her seat. Exhaustion lengthened her features. “Now you know. Everything. Eli. How I’m like her.” She turned her face up at me. “Are you going to kill me?”

I coughed out a laugh, astounded. “Kill you? What are you talking about?”

“Like Christine.” She was dull-eyed, exhausted. “I let him cry. When Dave isn’t around, I—I can’t stand it. I used to just go into another part of the house and let him scream. For hours.” She blinked several times. “He’s behind on his language skills, did you know that? Dave is worried about it…It’s because I don’t talk to him when Dave isn’t around. I never told anyone that before. I don’t…I don’t say anything to him. I don’t know what to say.”

“Leslie, I don’t want to kill you.” I scooted my chair toward hers with a screech. “I want to help you.”

“Help me?” She searched my face. “How?”

“You want to leave,” I said. “So let’s go.”

“I can’t.” The clock ticked on the wall behind her. She shivered. “There’s nothing I can do except stay. That man Frank is in jail. He can’t help me. The whole thing was so stupid. I don’t know why I can’t—” She drew in a breath through her nose. “I mean, everyone does it. Everyone figures out how to be a mother. The whatever-it-is, it kicks in after a while. Maybe when he’s three. I kept thinking that. I kept saying that to myself, but it didn’t work, and I thought if I didn’t do something about it one way or the other I would end up damaging the baby. Eli. That’s how I met Frank…I went to the pawnshop to buy a gun. And he asked me what I wanted it for. And I couldn’t say it was to kill myself, and I didn’t even know if I could kill myself, I just wanted the gun in case…And he saw it on my face. He knew what kind of person I was. He knew I was desperate. I thought…if he can tell, how long until Dave leaves me? And I wished he didn’t have to leave me. I wanted to just disappear for him. But now—now he’ll have to.” Her face creased.

    “He’s not going to leave you.”

“He will,” Leslie said. “He’ll figure it out. He’ll know that I don’t—don’t feel the right thing.” She looked up. “How could you tell—about Eli?”

“Only because I know you,” I said. “Leslie, I know you better than anybody.”

She stared at me, tears drying on her cheeks. “How can you still love me?”

“Because you know me better than anybody too,” I told her.