The Bandit Queens (104)

“Why are you here?” Geeta asked.

“It hit me that Ramesh might not be blind. And I figured I should warn you.” Her eyes tracked the revolver, which moved back and forth across the room as BB anxiously paced. “A choice I now deeply regret.”

“How did you know?” Ramesh asked, his curiosity genuine. “I was pretty convincing.”

“Well, I was at the party and I fell asleep. Right on the sweets table. When I woke up, I realized that the other day, when we were here for Geeta, he called Saloni fat.”

“So what?” BB said. “She is. No offense.”

“I prefer voluptuous, but whatever.”

Farah shook her head. “But how did he know? The last time he saw you, you were—”

Saloni sniffed in self-satisfaction. “Devastatingly gorgeous.”

Farah’s eyes rolled. “Sure, fine. I was gonna say ‘skinnier.’ And, sure, someone might’ve just told him Saloni was fat—sorry, ‘voluptuous,’ but I had a bad feeling so…”

“So you came to help us?” Geeta asked.

Saloni cocked her head. “Why?”

“I was trying to be a bonobo, okay?” Farah squirmed on the charpoy, her range of motion hampered.

Geeta’s lips tugged up, but Saloni simply sighed. “Well, a weapon or something would’ve been useful. It’s like you’ve learned nothing from C.I.D..”

“Well, hindsight is almost a bigger bitch than you.”

Saloni sputter-laughed. “I’m the bitch? You tried to blackmail Geeta, not to mention you threatened to kill her.”

Farah growled. “Ya’Allah, how long are you gonna bang that drum? I’m here, aren’t I? Let it go already.”

“Enough! Halkat randis! I get enough of this headache at home.” BB rubbed his temples. “Wait. You were at this party, too?” When Farah nodded, BB frowned, the valleys between his brows deepening. “But you’re Muslim, na?” Farah nodded. “So why’re you celebrating Diwali?”

“Because she’s our friend,” Geeta said, and saw Farah’s faint smile.

BB shook his head. “Villages. I swear, if a Muslim came to my Diwali party, it’d start a riot.”

“You worked with Karem; he’s Muslim.”

“That’s business. Money has no religion. Now, if he wanted to marry my sister, we’d have a problem.”

“And, uh, who are you again?” Farah asked.

“BB,” he said.

She was bewildered. “Woman?”

“No! Goddammit.” He turned to Ramesh, who shrugged. “I told you it’d be too confusing.”

“?‘B-B,’?” Geeta spelled. “Bada-Bhai. It’s not carved in stone, though.”

“It’s a work in progress,” Saloni supplied helpfully. “He’s here to get revenge on Geeta.”

“Because I screwed him.”

Farah’s eyes widened with naked, prurient interest. “Really? You two? When?”

Geeta’s noises of disgust mirrored Bada-Bhai’s, who dope-slapped her, umbrage pitching his voice higher. “I know why I’m saying ‘che, che,’ but why are you saying ‘che, che’?”

Geeta burned, not from the insult, but the mortification of being struck like a foolish child in need of reprimanding.

Bandit loudly sniffed out his lizard nemesis, who skittered up the wall and panted, resting out of reach. He barked at the wall, ears canted back. His tail thumped so orgiastically, it was a wonder he didn’t levitate. Geeta closed her eyes in parental shame. Two menacing men, one of whom wielded a gun, and her dog’s prioritized threat was a reptile.

“What’s its problem?” BB asked, jerking his chin toward Bandit.

“Just shoot it,” Ramesh said.

“No!” Geeta shouted. “Don’t you dare.”

But she needn’t have worried because BB looked equally appalled. “Are your brains scrambled?” he demanded of Ramesh. “I’m not shooting a dog.”

“What’s the big deal?”

“Shooting people makes me a don; killing dogs just makes me a psychopath.”

“Wow,” Saloni drawled. “Even the criminal holding three women hostage thinks your moral compass is fucked. Let that sink in for a second.”

Ramesh scowled. “Fat bitch. Did you actually birth children, or just eat them?”

They launched into respective invectives, each tirade drowning the other out. Saloni’s face reddened. Ramesh was so livid, his mustache nearly vibrated in tandem with Bandit’s tail.

“Listen, chutiya,” Saloni said, stamping her joined feet on the floor. “You don’t know! Everything changes after a baby, okay? You don’t even recognize your own body.” She calmed, her voice lowering as she addressed the room. “Did you know, when my son came out, he stretched everything so much, I now su-su a little each time I sneeze? And that brat can’t even be bothered to eat a vegetable for me.”

“What!” BB recoiled. “Che, che.”

At his vehemence, Farah nodded and joined in. “Me, too. But only after my second. I also pooped on him during birth.”

“O Ram,” Ramesh said, his face contorting into a dry retch.