The Astonishing Color of After(36)

Her face flashed a maroon shade of hurt before smoothing again. “I see.”

The first morning of winter break brought a familiar rap on our door, the rhythm drifting upstairs like a dream. I was lying on my stomach, sketching an antique camera borrowed from Caro.

The knock was something I’d imagined—I was certain of it. All the wishful thinking was manifesting in some form of psychosis. My knuckles dug the charcoal harder into the page.

Then came the same knock on my bedroom door. It was so jarring I nearly tore a page out of my sketchbook.

“Come in?” I hated how the words leaped out as a question.

The door opened and there was Axel in his forest-green plaid. His hair was dark and wavy, longer than I’d ever seen it. It draped nicely, framing his face. A few strands fell against his forehead like arrows trying to direct my gaze to his eyes.

“Hey, Leigh,” he said, as though nothing had happened in the last few months.

I stared at him.

“Oh, I like the pink.” He gestured toward the streak of color in my hair. “Did you just do that?”

I meant to respond in the most detached voice I could summon. What came out was “Why are you here?”

His mouth twisted. He tried for a tight smile. “I’m not allowed over anymore?”

“No, I mean, you’re allowed.” I sat up and wondered if my hair was a mess. Had I brushed it today? I decided I didn’t give a crap. “Looks like your mono’s gone. Did you give it back to Leanne or something?”

He looked pained. “That’s not how mono works.”

“Right,” I said. “I wouldn’t know. So how is she? Leanne? Or do you call her Lee for short?”

He opened his mouth and closed it. When he finally spoke again, his voice was very quiet. “I would never call her that.”

“Is she the reason you’re growing your hair out?”

Axel barked out a mirthless laugh. “Are you kidding? She hated it. She was into the military look. I’m the reason I’m growing my hair out.”

“Hated? Past tense?”

“I broke up with her,” he said with a shrug. “Last week, actually.”

Half of me was relieved and the other half was pissed as hell. I slid off my bed and drew myself up to my tallest height. “I’m supposed to be your best friend, you know.”

Axel’s face went gray. “Leigh—”

“I’m not a replacement, I’m not someone to be replaced.”

“You’re right,” he said.

“It’s ridiculous that just because you went and got yourself a girlfriend you stopped being my friend.”

“You’re right.”

I actually heard it this time. “What?”

“You’re absolutely right,” he said. “I was an ass. I pushed you away. I guess I didn’t want you to see the way I was when I was with Leanne.”

I didn’t really understand what he meant, but I also wasn’t sure I wanted to hear more. “So why’d you dump her?” I asked instead.

“I couldn’t figure out who she was.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I used to think she was interesting. But when we started dating… she just became this weird mirror image of me. Everything I liked, she liked. Everything I wanted to do, she automatically wanted to do. It started driving me up the wall. I wasn’t dating her so I could be in a relationship with myself, you know? And half the time, those weren’t even the real things that I liked and wanted. Hell, I just wanted to sit in my room and work on music. But that wasn’t a couple activity.” He put air quotes around those last two words, rolling his eyes hard. “Plus, and this will sound terrible—”

“What?” I said. Terrible was exactly what I wanted to hear.

“Well, she was kind of obnoxious about… money. Not like her family’s rich or anything. But the way she spent it. Like one day she bought a soda at lunch. And then she left it in the science hall—and when she went back, someone had already taken it. So she bought another one… and didn’t even finish it. Just threw it out half full. Around her I just constantly felt… poor, I guess.”

“Ah.” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Okay,” he said, “can we change subjects now? I’m overdue for a dose of normal.”

I gave him a weird smile.

“What?”

“Nothing,” I said. “It’s just that… it hasn’t exactly been normal over here, either.”

“What’s going on?”

He’d known about the weirdness with my grandparents for forever, so I jumped right into how Caro got me thinking I should do something about it.

“How far are you into the boxes?” he asked.

“Not even halfway. But I’m hoping I’ll find something when I get to the older ones buried in the back.”

Axel nodded. “Can I help?”

The question surprised me. Even Caro hadn’t offered, but then that was probably out of respect for my privacy. That was the kind of person she was—careful and considerate, especially when it came to personal stuff.

But this was different. Axel was practically family.