Sweet Water(77)

I’m handing the ball back to him. I’m giving him the chance to tell his own truth. We decided for him and we shouldn’t have, and this is my best offer at making it better. I sway a bit as I turn to face him, palms pressed on the top of the dresser, creasing my sweaty palms.

“What do you mean . . . decision?” Finn hugs a square pillow, and he looks so much younger than he is that I can’t imagine him going to the state penitentiary.

My son, my gentle ladder climber, a murderer.

The blood leaves my face and drains to my toes, and I think I might pass out, but I need to hear it.

“I think we did the wrong thing not going straight to the police when we found Yazmin. Your father and I disagreed on the matter, and you were too incapacitated to make your own decisions. I went along with your dad because at the time, I wasn’t sure what was best. But after today, I think we’re going to get found out.” I’m breathless, pushing him to tell me the words I so desperately need to hear but don’t want to hear at the same time.

Confess, Finn!

“Why?” he asks. He sounds terrified.

“Alisha knows you were with Yazmin in the woods when she died. It might not make a difference in the outcome of what happened to her, but maybe if Yaz’s mom knows the truth, it will give them peace, and they deserve that after all they’ve been through.” What have you put them through, Finn? They’ve already lost a father and a husband; what other turmoil have you brought them?

I remember how easy it was to take the path of least resistance when I was his age. I know what it’s like to believe in what hurts the least. I’d given myself a pass of sorts because of all the pain I’d endured after my mother died, but Finn has everything—the world. He is one of the lucky ones. Dad warned me about this. When you give them everything, you poison them into believing they deserve it.

Entitlement. Does Finn believe he’s above this girl and her family? Does he think it’s okay to lie as long as he doesn’t get caught?

And did he do it? Did he kill Yazmin?

“What? How do they know I was there when she died?” Finn’s hugging the pillow in terror.

I was hoping the prospect of telling the truth might be a source of relief and that Finn was harboring so much guilt that he could barely live with himself, but it doesn’t look like that’s the case.

He just doesn’t want to get caught.

The blood that left my head in a rush has left me dizzy, and I’m so chilled, I feel like I need to lie down. I sit on the edge of Finn’s bed again and try to stay upright.

“Yaz had been confiding in her guitar teacher, apparently.” I clear my throat because I still can’t believe her teacher is Josh. “She was talking with her brother about going for a walk later with you in the woods at her last lesson.”

Finn makes a complete teenage face of disgust.

“What is it?” I ask. Is he mad there’s one more person who’s been let in on his relationship with Yazmin? A mandated reporter who might be able to confirm his bad behavior?

Exhaustion and fear turn to anger.

This is not the boy I raised.

“I didn’t like that guy. Her teacher. He thought he was some kind of hipster or something.” Finn takes a huge exhale. “You scared me. That’s not proof.”

I place my hand over my mouth so I don’t vomit. I scared you because you thought the teacher would give you up?

Finn straightens, and I brace for more. “We did go for a walk. I’ve admitted to that. And no one’s going to believe the town drug dealer anyway.”

“What? He’s a dealer?” Or is Finn just deflecting to detract from his own involvement? Like Martin. I hate that he’s so much like him, and I hate that I doubt him so much now because of it.

“No.” Finn closes his mouth tightly and then bites on his lower lip as if he’s made a mistake. He just revealed that he also lied to the police about knowing where Yazmin got her drugs. It seems to all go together, though. If Finn was smoking pot, he had to be getting it from somewhere. He’s guilty of something here. I’m just not sure what. I grasp for something I can handle.

“What do you mean, Finn? Did the town music teacher get you the drugs?”

“No. He knows a guy, that’s all.” He won’t make eye contact.

“So Yazmin got her drugs from her guitar teacher’s drug dealer? That’s fantastic.” I’m ready to rip out Josh’s throat. He admitted to knowing Finn was my son, yet he thought it was okay to give him and his girlfriend drugs?

“If it wasn’t him, it would’ve been someone else, Mom. Yazmin was going through a lot. She’d seen some things she couldn’t forget.”

“I’m not shaming her for using the drugs. I’m just trying to understand what happened. Just tell me what happened!” I yell finally. I can’t take it anymore.

Finn looks at me, shocked. “I told you I don’t know.” He looks away again.

“You also told me you didn’t do drugs and that you didn’t know where Yazmin got hers, so sorry if I’m having trouble believing you.”

Finn slams the bedside table. “You started this. You made me lie, Mom, so explain to me how I’m supposed to tell the good ones from the bad ones.”

I place my hand over my belly and lean forward. “I know, and I’m sorry, but we have to do better now.” I’m rocking and wiping the tears from my face. “We messed up. But you need to tell me what happened, Finn, so I can help make it better. Help me understand why Yazmin was struggling, what happened to her.”