Sweet Water(54)

I walk to the front door, still dressed up in the Christmassy attire I wore earlier. I’d normally change to meet my dad, but I have too many other things to worry about.

“Are you going to be okay?” she asks.

“Sure,” I say. I let the door swing shut behind me. I will definitely not be okay.

As I walk out of the apartment, snowflakes stick to the petroleum jelly on my finger, making a white ring. I cry and laugh simultaneously at the marital design strung around my bare finger. It will be long melted off by the time I get to the ornament shop, a smeared-jelly mess. I hope my engagement dissolves as quickly. I don’t understand my own feelings. I love Martin, but I feel blindsided and smothered. Martin said he wanted a very short engagement, which has only heightened my anxiety.

Sometimes it feels like Martin is playing the part everyone else expects him to play—well-mannered kid from the Heights, aspiring entrepreneur, president of the fraternity—but I get glimpses of other sides of him too that leave me confused, and even though we’ve been together for years, the idea of spending a lifetime with him is as unsettling as it is premature.

I meet my father in front of the ornament store.

“Well, you don’t look like a happy bride-to-be.”

I have my hands tucked inside my gray peacoat. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

His smile crumples. “I thought it was what you wanted. It’s not? We’ve had our differences over Martin, but I’m not one to stand in the way.” Even though he’s not smiling, Dad’s voice deceives him. He’s secretly happy I’m unhappily engaged.

“You’re not telling the truth,” I say.

“You know my feelings on Martin and what happened with that pledge. I’d say if you don’t marry him, you can find somebody better.” He looks down.

“Dad, he wasn’t even there.” It has become an echo. Something I’ve said to my dad so many times, it’s ineffectual.

“Are you sure? I’m not. And it doesn’t mean he wasn’t negligent.”

I shake my head, because we’ve had this argument so many times, we’re both too exhausted to bring it up again. It’s a three-year-long debate. Three years should be long enough to date someone before getting married, but it doesn’t feel right. I imagined I’d have a job and my own apartment first. I had a plan. “I wanted to establish myself first before I added someone else to the mix. The ring just feels too soon,” I say.

“Come inside.” Dad’s large hand is warm on my arm as he escorts me into the store. “Then take your time, Sarah Bear. Engagements can last years or longer. There’s more I need to tell you about that day the pledge died.”

“I asked for some more time. To think about everything,” I say, and I don’t think I want to hear the more part—about that day. Everything is confusing enough.

“Good, I’m glad you asked for time,” he says. And that’s that. To Dad, there’s not a whole lot more to say. He didn’t approve of Martin from the start, and I’ve always gotten the sense that it felt like a betrayal to him that I started dating him in the first place because he’d told me to stay away from the SAEs.

My dad picks up a cardinal ornament. It’s not in a bulb like the usual ones we’ve chosen in the past but a freestanding bird perched on a snowy branch.

“I like that one,” I tell him.

He bites his lip. “There’s been one visiting me lately, tapping at the window.” He doesn’t have to tell me for me to know he thinks the bird is my mother. I don’t know that I’ll ever love Martin as much as he still loves her, and it bothers me immensely. Their marriage was so pure, unfettered by major issues like class difference or money or life ambition. None of those things mattered as long as they had each other. That’s the way it should be.

There’s something missing in my relationship with Martin, and I can’t pinpoint it. Or I’m just too scared to fulfill my destiny—to really become one of the lucky ones. I’m afraid I won’t live up to their expectations.

“It’s decided, then.” Dad takes out his wallet. “Fastest ornament pick in the history of time.” His raspy laugh makes me edgy.

“I have to go somewhere, Dad.” Everything is wrong. I can’t pick out Christmas ornaments with my father like it’s any other day. I’ve made a terrible decision accepting Martin’s proposal—and then rejecting it. Or have I?

“Are you okay?” Dad squints at me, vinyl shopping bag in hand. “I thought we could grab a bite.” It’s part of our usual routine to eat dinner after we’ve chosen our ornament, but nothing about today is normal. “We can talk some more about it,” Dad suggests.

I don’t want to talk some more about it. I’m a little bit mad at him for not talking to me about it sooner. If I’d had some warning, some idea this was happening, I wouldn’t be in a complete state of shock. I might even be all right with it. “I’m okay; I just have a lot to think about.”

“Okay, well, my door’s always open, sweetheart. And there was more I needed to tell you.”

“I know. Thanks.”

He gives me a hug. “Lots can change after college, Sarah Bear. There’s a big world out there.”

“Right.” I know what he’s telling me. There’s a big world with lots of people to meet. Other people who could potentially become my husband if I’m not 100 percent sure that Martin Ellsworth is the one. The thing is, I was certain I was going to marry him up until he sidelined me with a ring. I’m not sure what has changed, but all of a sudden, I feel boxed in. Trapped.