Surprise Me(105)

Somehow I force myself up another step. And up. Tears have started to my eyes. Don’t look down. Don’t look. Another step. The rope steps keep wobbling perilously and suddenly a whimper escapes from me.

‘Sylvie? Sylvie?’ Dan’s voice hits my ears. ‘What the fuck …’

I raise my head to see him peering down at me incredulously.

‘We need a manager,’ someone is saying on the ground. ‘Gavin, you’re deputy manager. You climb up after her.’

‘I’m not climbing after her!’ an indignant voice replies. ‘We’re supposed to use the emergency ladder, anyway. Jamie, get out the emergency ladder.’

Every sinew of my body is begging me to stop. My head is spinning. But somehow I push on, step after step, higher and higher, ignoring the fact that I’m twenty feet off the ground. Twenty-five feet. That I don’t have any harness. Or any helmet. That if I fell … No. Stop. Don’t think about falling. Keep going.

I’m aware of the atmosphere becoming quieter. Everyone must be watching. Are the girls watching? My hands have started sweating. My breath is coming in fast, harsh little gasps.

Now the platform is only a few feet away. Only a few more steps will do it. But suddenly a new tremor comes over me. My legs are shaking so hard that I feel the hugest wash of fear I have yet. I can’t control my limbs. I can’t do this. I’m going to fall, I’m going to fall, how can I not fall?

‘You’re nearly there.’ Dan’s voice is suddenly in my ears. Solid. Familiar. Something to cling to mentally. ‘You’re nearly there,’ he repeats. ‘You’re not going to fall. One more step. Hand on the platform. Nearly there, Sylvie, nearly there.’

And suddenly I’m there, and his strong hand is grasping mine and I’m collapsing on the wooden platform, and for a few moments I can’t move. At last I raise my head to see Dan staring at me, with such a scrubcious face that I want to laugh, except I can’t because tears are streaming down my face.

‘What the fuck?’ he demands, and grabs me so tightly, I gasp. ‘What the fuck? Sylvie, you could have … What were you doing?’ He stares at me, looking quite aghast. I suppose I am quite an apparition, what with the shorn hair and the blood dripping down my face. ‘Were you trying to surprise me? Or shock me? Or give me a heart attack? Is this real?’ He touches my cheek and as blood comes away on his fingers, he looks even more shocked. ‘Jesus Christ.’

‘I wasn’t trying to surprise you,’ I manage, my breaths still short and fast. ‘That’s not what this is. I just … I just had to see you. Didn’t you get my messages?’

‘Messages?’ His hand goes automatically to his pocket. ‘No. My phone’s fucked. Sylvie … what is this? You can’t do heights.’ He looks at the ground, thirty feet below, then at me. ‘You can’t even do a stepladder.’

‘Well.’ I rub my bloody face. ‘Looks like I did them.’

‘But … your face. Your hair. What’s happened? Sylvie, what the hell—’ He suddenly turns ashen. ‘Have you been attacked?’

‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘No. I cut my hair off myself. Dan, listen. I know. About …’ I have to get this through to him, urgently. ‘I know.’

‘You “know”?’ A familiar guarded expression comes across his face, as though ready to bat away my questions. And in that moment I realize just how much he’s been keeping from me. What a constant pressure it must have been. No wonder he’s fed up.

‘I know, OK? Believe me. I know.’

The other dads who were on the platform with Dan have tactfully headed off to the zip-wire platform, where all the children, including our two, are clustering with play leaders in branded T-shirts. We’re alone.

‘What do you know, exactly, Sylvie?’ says Dan cautiously. And his willingness to protect me, even now, makes my eyes hot. I stare back at him, thoughts swirling around my mind. What exactly do I know? Nothing, it feels like, most of the time.

‘I know that you’re not the man I thought you were.’ I gaze into his guarded blue eyes, trying to get beneath the surface. ‘You’re so, so much more than I ever realized.’ My throat is suddenly tight, but I press on. ‘I know what you’ve been doing, Dan. I know what all the secrets are. I know about my father. Joss Burton. The whole thing. I read the emails.’ I take a deep breath. ‘I know my father was a liar and a shit.’

Dan visibly flinches and stares at me incredulously. ‘What did you say?’

‘My father was a liar. And a shit.’

There’s silence as my words sit in the air. I’ve never seen Dan look so shoffed. I don’t think he can speak. But that’s OK, because I have more to say.

‘I’ve been living in a bubble.’ I swallow hard. ‘A climate-controlled, safe bubble. But now it’s burst. And the weather has blown in. And it’s … exhilarating.’

Dan nods slowly. ‘I can see. Your face. It’s different.’

‘Bad different?’

‘No. Real different. You look more real.’ He surveys me, as though trying to work it out. ‘Your eyes. Your expression. Your hair.’

I put up a hand and feel my bare neck. It still feels unfamiliar. Exposed. It feels like a new me.