Strangers: A Novel(43)
It’s clear now that she’s crossed a line. Erik comes over, positions himself behind me, and puts his hands on my shoulders. “You’re totally right, Nadine,” he says, in a dangerously low tone. “I wasn’t. And I never will be violent, especially not with Jo, for whom I feel much more strongly than I ever did with you.”
She recoils as if he’d slapped her in the face and takes a few seconds before she answers. “Oh really? Then—no offense—but your taste has gone downhill of late. I didn’t know you went for the boring, pale, and frumpy look nowadays.”
Even while she still speaking, she realizes she’s making a mistake, I can see it in her eyes.
“OK, I shouldn’t have said that,” she adds, giving me an apologetic smile. “I know that you’ve only just got out of the hospital. But it’s still unusual—normally Erik goes for a completely different type.”
I can feel his grip tightening on my shoulders. “Do you want to hear it again? You do, don’t you? I love Jo, and I think she’s beautiful. I told you so yesterday, and I can tell you again, as many times as you want to hear it.”
Now Nadine visibly gears up for an attack. “And I told you that the two of you don’t match. You told me she forgets things about you. What kind of relationship is that?” She looks me up and down quickly, this time without any trace of sympathy. “And you’re clearly hitting her. Even if she denies it, but apparently that’s quite common in codependent relationships. And just look at the way you’re holding on to her now. Pushing her down, to be more precise.”
Erik laughs, but Nadine doesn’t stop. “It was never like that with us. Don’t you remember? We had our differences, but more than anything we had fun and a wonderful trusting relationship and—”
“This is unbelievable,” Erik says, interrupting her. “Did you really come here to tell me that, first of all, I’m mistreating Jo, and, second of all, that you’re the better choice for me? Have you lost your mind? How did you think this was going to go? That I’d have a quick think about things, break up with Jo, and go back to you? Really?”
There’s no way she can say yes in response, and she doesn’t try. “I came here to remind you of the fact that a relationship doesn’t have to be like the mess you’re in right now. Regardless of who it’s with. If you didn’t want my help, then why did you call me?”
“To be honest, I’m wondering that myself,” Erik replies. “I’m very aware of the fact that it was a mistake. To be fair, I already knew that yesterday, even while we were still on the phone. Now, Nadine, would you please leave?”
She takes a sip of her coffee, acting as if she didn’t hear him; she’s probably thinking up a new strategy.
I watch her in silence, feeling a little bewildered. Suddenly she turns her attentions on me again, her eyes narrowing. “Erik says you have gaps in your memory, specifically in regard to him. You know, I think that says a lot. It may well be that he loves you, but do you feel the same way?”
Her question actually makes me feel embarrassment. The answer that lies on my tongue—I barely know him—is not one I can give. To say no, in this situation, would be completely heartless and disloyal to Erik. And … I’m actually beginning to like him. Maybe that’s inadvisable, risky, or even crazy, especially considering his fit of rage yesterday, but it’s true. He’s still standing behind me, the warmth from his hands on my shoulders spreading through my whole body. Just like Nadine, he’s waiting for an answer.
“I don’t think I need to give you an account of how I feel,” I say, lacing my tone with the appropriate level of sharpness. “I don’t know you. My feelings for Erik are none of your business.”
She laughs. “Well, if that’s the case … Then have a nice life together. But I know Erik, and I’ve known him longer than you. He’s not in a good place, and if you’re the reason for that, then you won’t be part of his life for much longer.”
Erik takes his hands from my shoulders and moves a step toward Nadine. “You don’t know me quite as well as you think. Otherwise you’d know just how pitiful I find this whole act. You wanted us to stay friends, didn’t you?” He leans toward her, propping his hands on the surface of the table. “Well, there’s no chance of that now. And I’ll happily spell it out for you again: I love Joanna, and you’re the last person who could do anything to change that.”
Now there’s so much raw hurt in her expression that I even feel sorry for her. “OK,” she mumbles. “I only meant well, I wanted to…” She stands up, reaching for her handbag. “Whatever. I guess I was wrong.”
In the doorway she turns around one more time, looks at Erik, then leaves without another word.
20
I feel that Nadine showing up here has unleashed something. Maybe for Joanna as well, but definitely for me in any case. Within me.
That special warmth I used to feel when Joanna was close to me, when we looked at each other, when we talked … I couldn’t feel any of it yesterday. I was searching for it, hoping it was still there. The fear that it might have vanished forever—that was probably what was making me despair the most.
But now the warmth is back. I can feel it quite clearly.