Strangers: A Novel(35)
His voice is loud, too loud. I manage to suppress the urge to cover my ears, but I can’t stop my hands from trembling.
“Good-bye, Joanna,” I hear Bartsch say from the hallway. Then the door is opened and a few moments later slammed loudly shut.
We are alone once more.
16
The sound of the door slamming shut echoes in my head, intermingling with the hammering of my pulse. I’m finding it hard to formulate a clear thought.
Hot rage consumes me like wildfire. And the realization that Bartsch, that grinning asshole, managed to make me lose my cool, is like an accelerant for the blaze.
“Why did you do that?” Joanna’s voice reaches my ears, sounding like it’s coming from far away even though she’s only standing a few feet from me.
“What?” I say loudly, wheeling around to face her. My voice sounds severe, I know, but I’m not sorry. I look at her, see fear, despair, helplessness in her eyes. I ought to feel bad about it, really. But I don’t.
I love this woman more than I’ve ever loved anyone before but … damn it. I can’t even find the words to explain to myself what’s going on in my head right now. Explosions. It feels like a succession of mental explosions. Making it impossible for me calm down, I’m so unbelievably furious. And the sight of Joanna right now is making it even worse.
“Why did you tell people in your company I was confused? If we really are a couple like you keep claiming we are, that’s a huge breach of trust.”
“What do you mean, tell people?” I roar, and see Joanna flinch. “I didn’t have to tell anyone anything, Jo. Because my boss asked me about what was going on at home, right to my face. After Bernhard went gossiping around about what he saw when he was here.”
“But that’s no reason to—”
“Sure it is,” I say, cutting her off again, and I’m not sorry about that either. On the contrary, I’m getting a feeling akin to satisfaction with every word I say. It feels relieving. Kind of like a pressure valve was being opened somewhere.
“It is a reason, in fact, it’s the reason for everything, Jo. Do you remember? No? I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t. Let me help you. My coworker Bernhard was on our doorstep here when you ran outside, screaming, half-naked in just your bathrobe. You hid behind him and begged him to protect you. From me, Jo. The stranger who’d broken into your house. Do you really think it would have been necessary for me to tell people at work anything, with you making a scene like that? Do you? Me saying you were confused wasn’t a breach of trust, damn it, it was damage control. Your insane behavior is the reason for everything that’s happened over the past few days.”
It’s getting worse and worse. There’s a voice somewhere in my head, whispering to me that I have to stop this. That I’ll work myself into a raving frenzy if I don’t try to fight back this surge of anger.
“My … insane behavior?” Her whispered words are in such marked contrast with my screaming, it makes me feel even angrier, like I might snap any second.
She’s doing it on purpose. She still feels like I’m not treating her fairly, even after everything I went through with her over these past days. It’s hopeless, all of this.
Calling on all of my inner strength, I soften my voice. It sounds breathless, barely composed, even to me. “Jo, don’t you realize that’s exactly what Bartsch wanted? Gabor sent that bastard to stir things up even more. To have a reason for firing me. Can’t you see that he used you and intentionally put you at odds with me? Come on, you have to see that! I feel like I’m going to go crazy if you don’t understand this.”
“My insane behavior, Erik?” she repeats stoically, making something inside of me shatter. It’s over! I hear the voice inside of me, shouting those words, see them in front of me like they were written on a poster. It’s over. And I surrender myself to the impact.
“Yes, exactly. Your totally insane behavior!” I scream at her. “What in the hell else would you call this stunt you’ve been pulling here for days?”
“That’s … Do you realize how unfair that is, Erik?”
Is she really doing this? Making herself out to be the victim in this whole fucked-up situation? My head is threatening to explode. I want to scream. Scream in desperate anger, until my lungs burst out of my chest.
Next to me on the floor, the umbrella stand … I stride over and kick it with such force that it clatters loudly over the floor tiles until coming to a rest a few feet away by the front door. Joanna lets out a soft scream, and I wheel around, grab her by the arms and grasp them tightly. Her eyes grow wide. “Ow, you’re … you’re hurting me.”
I let her words bounce off me and clutch her even more tightly. I want to yell in her face. But I do the exact opposite. My voice goes completely calm. “I came home without a clue, Joanna. After a shitty day in that shitty company. I wasn’t feeling well, and the only thing I was looking forward to, the only thing I really needed, was a hug from you. To be close to you. Some comforting words. Instead you made a scene that I could only describe as being totally insane. You claimed not to know me. Threw a paperweight at me and wanted to throw me out of our house. You ran away from me and locked yourself in the bedroom. Then you made a complete idiot out of me in front of Bernhard, and in front of the entire company as a consequence. You’re destroying everything about the life we shared, all with your crazy behavior. Maybe you even tried to kill yourself. And me along with you, because once again I wanted to save you. Five days, Jo. I’ve been going through hell for five days. I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore. Like I’m living someone else’s life. And still, I stuck by you the whole time, defended you against everyone and everything, no matter how much your behavior hurt me.”