Stone Cold Fox (62)

“I’m giving you the money. Isn’t that what matters? I’m doing what you asked me to do,” I say to her. She doesn’t say anything back to me. I’m starting to think I was set up to lose no matter what I did. I always fail her tests.



* * *



? ? ?

A MAN IS in our living room. We never have men over when Mother and I live alone. We only play games in others’ homes. But Mother explains that this man is here for a meeting, a potential source for us. He’s absolutely hideous, not on our level, not on my level. It’s not just how he looks. No trace of a neck, but also no trace of a soul. He’s massive. Sinister. I want him out.

“I don’t need another source,” I say to Mother. The man licks his lips at me. He’s disgusting. How could she let him into our home? She’s so angry with me. He’s wearing a gold chain, for God’s sake. Something isn’t right. She wants me to be afraid. Hurt. How much more can she hurt me?

My shoulders sit high, almost to my ears. I take a step back as he licks his lips again. I can’t relax. He’s revolting. I look at Mother. Okay, you’ve made your point. Call off the beast. Please, Mother. Please, Mommy.

She nods her head at him and thankfully, it’s a signal to leave.

I was ready to run, but would she actually do something so evil?

“Could be good for you, you know,” Mother says as he shuts the door behind him. “To be knocked down a peg or two. Maybe you’ll learn to respect me and everything I’ve done for you.”

Mother doesn’t make threats.

Only promises.

I know her.

I have to leave, but she won’t let me go.

I stay awake all night.

Dreaming of the future.

When I will be alone.

When she will be gone.

She has to go.

And so do I.



* * *



? ? ?

SEAMUS HAS THE cash and the contacts for everything I need. Passport. Social security number. Birth certificate. All of it. He’s the sole resource I have. I think he can be trusted. I have faith that he can. It’s my only option. I have to get out. I also know about his wife and children and potentially unsavory business dealings, so he’d be wise to keep my secrets, too. The ask is easy. A naked man with a primal obsession with your body will give you anything you want if you know what you’re doing. I’m learning it’s not just about the sex with Seamus. Seamus likes to be heard. Likes to be seen. Likes to be understood. Seamus believes that I really care about him. That I have true empathy for him.

Like he needs it.

As if he doesn’t have everything already.

The perfect mark.

This isn’t really the challenging part.

That comes next.



* * *



? ? ?

IT WILL HAVE to be quiet and understated, but I have to move fast. That man was just a preview. She’s planning something for me. I’m her target right now. Her mark. I know it. So I must plan in return. Play defense. Something that looks accidental when she’s eventually found. Or purposeful, but at her own hand. Pills will probably do just fine. Mother’s an occasional to frequent fan anyway. Xanax. Valium. Whatever takes the edge off. No brand loyalty. The execution will be simple. They’ll be easy to find. I’m in Vegas. I can find anything I want to find here, especially things that are laced with the illicit or the fatal. I’m starting to sound more like her and that’s how I know I will pull this off.

I’ll be Mother’s daughter for now.

I need to be.

Then I’ll leave them both behind.



* * *



? ? ?

I PUT A few of the pills I bought in her own supply, a little tube in the medicine cabinet. Bases covered for any investigation should anyone care, but who will? I’m the only one who cares about her, but that ends tonight. I sit with her as she watches television. I’m not paying attention to the program. I only hear my breath. In. Out. Trying to slow it down. Does she notice? Does she know what I want to do to her? Fix us a drink, she says, like clockwork. I make her a drink, a gin martini, minus the goods. She’d taste it now. I use three ounces instead of one and a half. She won’t taste it after this one.

Down the hatch.

An hour goes by.

I wait for her to ask for another.

But will anything happen?

Nothing ever happens to Mother.

Everything always happens to me.

It has to be her turn.

Another, she says.

I crushed two pills earlier that day and I wonder if I should have crushed three. Or four. Why did I still want to be gentle with her? Can’t stop now. I fix the drink. I pour the powder. I shove the plastic bag into my bra. Fast, fast, fast. I do it all fast.

Did she see me?

I place the drink in front of her.

She smiles.

Thanks, bunny.

Sip, sip, another sip.

Time passes. I don’t know how much.

And then, she looks sauced. She should. I made her that way.

I think I’ll go lie down, she says to me. She says she’s dizzy. She stands up and loses her footing. Unsteady. She laughs. You got me drunk, bunny.

Are you okay? I ask her. She doesn’t look okay. She’s not okay. I’m fine, she slurs.