Small Great Things(70)

“Is that a problem?” Maybe she knows something I don’t, like that juries are more likely to convict people who believe in God.

“Not at all. In fact, it’s good to know, because it’s something that can help a jury like you.”

Hearing her say that, I look into my lap. Am I so naturally unlikable that she needs to find things that will sway people in my favor?

“First,” she says, “do you prefer the term Black or African American or people of color?”

What I prefer, I think, is Ruth. But I swallow my response and say, “People of color.”

Once, at work, an orderly named Dave went off on a rant about that term. “It’s not like I don’t have color,” he’d said, holding out his pasty arms. “I’m not see-through, right? But I guess people of more color hasn’t caught on.” Then he had noticed me in the break room, and had gone red to his hairline. “Sorry, Ruth. But you know, I hardly think of you as Black.”

My lawyer is still talking. “I don’t even see color,” she tells me. “I mean, the only race that matters is the human one, right?”

It’s easy to believe we’re all in this together when you’re not the one who was dragged out of your home by the police. But I know that when white people say things like that, they are doing it because they think it’s the right thing to say, not because they realize how glib they sound. A couple of years ago, Adisa went ballistic when #alllivesmatter took over Twitter as a response to the activists who were holding signs that said BLACK LIVES MATTER. “What they’re really saying is white lives matter,” Adisa told me. “And that Black folks better remember that before we get too bold for our own good.”

Ms. McQuarrie coughs lightly, and I realize my mind’s been wandering. I force my eyes to her face, smile tightly. “Remind me again where you went to school?” she asks.

I feel like this is a test. “SUNY Plattsburgh, and then Yale Nursing School.”

“Impressive.”

What is? That I’m college educated? That I went to Yale? Is this what Edison will face for the rest of his life, too?

Edison.

“Ms. McQuarrie,” I begin.

“Kennedy.”

“Kennedy.” The familiarity sits uncomfortably on my tongue. “I can’t go back to prison.” I think of how, when Edison was a toddler, he’d put on Wesley’s shoes and shuffle around in them. Edison will have a lifetime to see the magic he used to believe in as a child be methodically erased, one confrontation at a time. I don’t want him to have to face that any sooner than necessary. “I’ve got my boy, and there’s no one else who can raise him to be the man I know he’s going to be.”

Ms. McQuarrie—Kennedy—leans forward. “I’m going to do my best. I have a lot of experience in cases with people like you.”

Another label. “People like me?”

“People accused of serious crimes.”

Immediately, I am on the defensive. “But I didn’t do anything.”

“I believe you. However, we still have to convince a jury. So we have to go back to the basics to figure out why you’ve been charged.”

I look at her carefully, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. This is the only case on my radar, but maybe she is juggling hundreds. Maybe she honestly has forgotten the skinhead with the tattoo who spit on me in the courtroom. “I’d think that’s pretty obvious. That baby’s father didn’t want me near his son.”

“The white supremacist? He has nothing to do with your case.”

For a moment, I’m speechless. I was removed from the care of a patient because of the color of my skin, and then penalized for following those directions when the same patient went into distress. How on earth could the two not be related? “But I’m the only nurse of color on the birthing pavilion.”

“To the State, it doesn’t matter if you’re Black or white or blue or green,” Kennedy explains. “To them you had a legal duty to take care of an infant under your charge.” She starts listing all the ways the jury can find a reason to convict me. Each feels like a brick being mortared into place, trapping me in this hole. I realize that I have made a grave mistake: I had assumed that justice was truly just, that jurors would assume I was innocent until proven guilty. But prejudice is exactly the opposite: judging before the evidence exists.

I don’t stand a chance.

“Do you really believe that if I was white,” I say quietly, “I’d be sitting here with you right now?”

She shakes her head. “No. I believe it’s too risky to bring up in court.”

So we are supposed to win a case by pretending the reason it happened doesn’t exist? It seems dishonest, oblivious. Like saying a patient died of an infected hangnail, without mentioning that he had Type 1 diabetes.

“If no one ever talks about race in court,” I say, “how is anything ever supposed to change?”

She folds her hands on the table between us. “You file a civil lawsuit. I can’t do it for you, but I can call around and find you someone who works with employment discrimination.” She explains, in legalese, what that means for me.

The damages she mentions are more than I ever imagined in my wildest dreams.

But there is a catch. There’s always a catch. The lawsuit that might net me this payout, that might help me hire a private lawyer who might actually be willing to admit that race is what landed me in court in the first place, can’t be filed until this lawsuit wraps up. In other words, if I’m found guilty now, I can kiss that future money goodbye.