Small Great Things(131)

Now, the key turns in the lock, and Edison slips inside. His eyes are adjusting to the darkness; he is creeping because he expects me to be asleep. Instead, in a clear voice, I say his name from my spot at the kitchen table.

“Why aren’t you asleep?” he asks.

“Why weren’t you home?”

I can see him clearly, a shadow among shadows. “I was alone. I was out walking.”

“For six hours?” I blurt.

“Yes. For six hours,” Edison challenges. “Why don’t you just put a GPS chip on me, if you don’t trust me?”

“I do trust you,” I say carefully. “It’s the rest of the world I’m not so sure about.”

I stand so that we are only inches apart. All mothers worry, but Black mothers, we have to worry a little bit more. “Even walking can be dangerous. Just being can be dangerous, if you are in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“I’m not stupid,” Edison says.

“I know that better than anyone. That’s the problem. You are smart enough to make excuses for people who aren’t. You give the benefit of the doubt when other people don’t. That is what makes you you, and that is what makes you remarkable. But you need to start being more careful. Because I may not be here much longer to…” My sentence snaps, unravels. “I may have to leave you.”

I see his Adam’s apple jerk down, and then back, and I know what he has been thinking about all this time. I imagine him walking the streets of New Haven, trying to outdistance himself from the fact that this trial is coming to an end. And that when it does, everything will be different.

“Mama,” he says, his voice small. “What am I supposed to do?”

For a moment, I try to decide how to sum up a life’s worth of lessons in my response. Then I look at him, my eyes shining. “Thrive,” I say.

Edison wrenches away from me. A moment later, the door to his bedroom slams shut. Music whitewashes all the other sounds I try in vain to discern.

I think I know now why it is called the Kangaroo Suite. It’s because even when you no longer have a child, you carry him forever.

It’s the same when a parent is ripped away from the child, but the suite is the size of the world. At Mama’s funeral, I put a handful of cold dirt from her grave in the pocket of my good wool coat. Some days I wear that coat inside the house, just because. I sift through the soil, hold it tight in my fist.

I wonder what Edison will keep of me.





I PUT MY HANDS ON both sides of Brit’s face and touch my forehead to hers. “Breathe,” I tell her. “Think of Vienna.”

Neither of us has ever been to Vienna, but Brit found an old picture in an antique shop once that she hung on the wall of our bedroom. It shows the fancy city hall building, the plaza in front of it filled with pedestrians and mothers towing children by the hand—all of them white. We always thought that we could save up for a vacation there, one day. When Brit was putting together a birthing plan, Vienna was one of the words I was supposed to use to help her focus.

It doesn’t escape me that I’m whispering the same word I used to calm her when she was delivering Davis—but now I’m repeating it to help her stop seeing the image of our dead son.

Suddenly the door to the conference room opens and the prosecutor walks in. “That was a nice touch. The jury loves a mother who’s acting so distraught that she can’t control herself. But the threat in open court? Not the wisest move.”

Brit bristles. She pushes away from me and gets up in the lawyer’s face. “I am not acting,” she says, her voice dangerously soft. “And you don’t get to tell me what’s a good idea and what’s not, bitch.”

I grasp her arm. “Baby, why don’t you go wash up? I’ll take care of this.”

Brit doesn’t even blink. Just keeps herself like a wall in front of Odette Lawton, like an alpha dog standing over another mutt until it has the good sense to cower. Then, abruptly, she walks away and slams the door behind her.

I know it is already a big deal that Brit and I are allowed in the courtroom, even though we are going to testify. There was a hearing about it and everything, before the trial began. That goddamned public defender thought she could keep us away by asking for all witnesses to be sequestered, but the judge said we deserved to be there because we were Davis’s parents. I’m sure the prosecutor doesn’t want to give him any good reason to rethink his decision.

“Mr. Bauer,” the lawyer says, “you and I need to talk.”

I fold my arms. “Why don’t you just do what you’re supposed to do? Win this case?”

“It’s a little hard when your wife is acting like an intimidating thug and not a grieving mother.” She stares at me. “I can’t call her as a witness.”

“What?” I say. “But we did all that practicing—”

“Yes, but I don’t trust Brittany,” she says flatly. “Your wife is a wild card. And you do not put a wild card in the witness box.”

“The jury needs to hear from Davis’s mother.”

“Not if I can’t be certain she won’t start screaming racist slurs at the defendant.” She eyes me coolly. “You and your wife may detest me and everyone who looks like me, Mr. Bauer. And frankly I don’t care. But I am the best chance—the only chance—you have to get justice for your son. So not only will I tell you what is a good idea and a bad idea, I will also be calling all the shots. And that means your wife is not testifying.”