Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda Epic Reads Edition(5)

Meaning, he’ll stop emailing me.

I remember exactly how it felt to see that first message from him in my in-box. It was a little bit surreal. He wanted to know about me. For the next few days at school after that, it felt like I was a character in a movie. I could almost imagine a close-up of my face, projected wide-screen.

It’s strange, because in reality, I’m not the leading guy. Maybe I’m the best friend.

I guess I didn’t really think of myself as interesting until I was interesting to Blue. So I can’t tell him. I’d rather not lose him.


I’ve been avoiding Martin. All week, in class and rehearsal, I see him trying to catch my eye. I know it’s kind of cowardly. This whole situation makes me feel like a coward. It’s especially stupid, because I’ve already decided I’ll help him. Or I’ll cave to his blackmail. Whatever you want to call it. It honestly makes me feel a little sick.

I’m distracted all through dinner. My parents are especially jolly tonight because it’s Bachelorette night. I’m dead serious. As in the reality show. We all watched the show yesterday, but tonight is the night we Skype with Alice at Wesleyan to discuss it. It’s the new Spier family tradition. I could not be more aware that this is perfectly ridiculous.

I don’t even know. My family’s always been like this.

“And how are Leo and Nicole?” my dad asks, mouth twitching around the edges of his fork. Switching Leah’s and Nick’s genders is like the pinnacle of Dad-humor.

“They’re amazing,” I say.

“LOL, Dad,” Nora says flatly. My little sister. Recently, she’s been using text abbreviations out loud sometimes, even though she never uses them in actual text messages. I think it’s supposed to be ironic. She looks at me. “Si, did you see Nick playing guitar outside the atrium?”

“Sounds like Nick’s trying to get a girlfriend,” says my mom.

That’s funny, Mom, because get this. I’m actually trying to prevent Nick from getting the girl he likes, so Martin Addison won’t tell the whole school I’m gay. Did I mention I’m gay?

I mean, how do people even begin with this stuff?

Maybe it would be different if we lived in New York, but I don’t know how to be gay in Georgia. We’re right outside Atlanta, so I know it could be worse. But Shady Creek isn’t exactly a progressive paradise. At school, there are one or two guys who are out, and people definitely give them crap. Not like violent crap. But the word “fag” isn’t exactly uncommon. And I guess there are a few lesbian and bisexual girls, but I think it’s different for girls. Maybe it’s easier. If there’s one thing the Tumblr has taught me, it’s that a lot of guys consider it hot when a girl is a lesbian.

Though, I guess it happens in reverse. There are girls like Leah, who do these yaoi pencil sketches and post them to websites.

Which I guess is cool with me. Leah’s drawings are actually kind of awesome.

And Leah’s also into slash fanfiction, which got me curious enough to poke around the internet and find some last summer. I couldn’t believe how much there was to choose from: Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy hooking up in thousands of ways in every broom closet at Hogwarts. I found the ones with decent grammar and stayed up reading all night. It was a weird couple of weeks. That was the summer I taught myself how to do laundry. There are some socks that shouldn’t be washed by your mom.

After dinner, Nora sets up Skype on the desktop computer in the living room. In the camera window, Alice looks a little disheveled, but it’s probably the hair—wood-blond and rumpled. All three of us have ridiculous hair. In the background, Alice’s bed is unmade and covered with pillows, and someone’s purchased a round, shaggy carpet to cover the few feet of floor space. It’s still strange to imagine Alice sharing a dorm room with a random girl from Minneapolis. Like, who would have ever guessed I’d see anything sports-related in Alice’s room? Minnesota Twins, indeed.

“Okay, you’re pixelated. I’m going to—no wait, you’re good. Oh my God, Dad, is that a rose?”

Our dad is holding a red rose and cackling into the webcam. I’m not even kidding. My family is all freaking business when it comes to The Bachelorette.

“Simon, do your Chris Harrison imitation.”

Fact: my Harrison imitation is utter and complete genius. At least, it is under normal circumstances. But I’m not at the top of my game today.

I’m just so preoccupied. And it’s not just Martin saving the emails. It’s the emails themselves. I’ve been feeling a little strange about the girlfriend thing ever since Blue asked about it. I wonder if he thinks I’m really fake. I get the impression that once he realized he was gay, he didn’t date girls, and it was as simple as that.

“So Michael D. claims to have used the fantasy suite for talking,” Alice says. “Do we believe that?”

“Not for a minute, kid,” Dad replies.

“They always say that,” says Nora. She cocks her head, and I just now notice that her ear has five piercings, all the way up and around.

“Right?” says Alice. “Bub, are you going to weigh in?”

“Nora, when did you do that?” I touch my earlobe.

She kind of blushes. “Last weekend?”

“Let me see,” Alice demands. Nora turns her ear toward the webcam. “Whoa.”