Shuffle, Repeat(72)

Somehow, moving against all the history between Theo and me, I manage to make my mouth form into a tentative smile. Somehow, I say the words. “I’m sorry.”

Theo scowls down at me. “I told you to go to class.” He turns to the mustard bottle and gives it a kick. It flies down the hall, spattering tiny yellow drops as it goes. Theo grabs his backpack and, without another word, walks away.

At least I tried.

? ? ?

Oliver drives past my house in the behemoth. I know this because I’m out on the porch swing, ostensibly flipping through one of my mom’s decorator magazines, but in reality hoping to see him. Wondering if Theo told him about our exchange.

Guess I’ll never know, because Oliver doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t even turn his head in my direction.

He just drives by.





Lily is showing me photos of her midnight-haired punk boy when Darbs bangs up the bleachers at high speed, skipping every other step. “You guys!” she yells when she’s still a good dozen away. “Hey, you guys!” By the time she reaches us and plops onto a bench, she’s out of breath and has to take a minute before she can talk.

“What’s your guess?” Lily asks me.

Since Darbs looks happy, I go with “Yana?”

“Good one,” says Lily.

Darbs nods and her turquoise hair flops all around her shoulders. “Guess what I found out?”

“She’s a bisexual Christ-hugger like you after all?” Lily says.

“No!” Darbs beams. “She’s a lesbian Christ-hugger!”

I blink at her. “Seriously? After this entire school year of pining? You could have been with her all along?”

Lily whaps her. “Are you guys a thing now?”

Darbs scrunches up her face and shakes her head. “Ew, no!”

Lily and I exchange glances. “Uh…” says Lily.

“I’m dating Ethan,” Darbs says. “But get this, you guys. We prayed together!”

It takes me a second, but then I put it together. Darbs found someone who is more like her than like everyone else at school, someone who embodies two things that other people have a hard time believing can exist within the same person.

“It’s like I’ve found a unicorn,” says Darbs, and she and Lily laugh.

I laugh along, but it’s hollow.

Like me.

? ? ?

Itch is in the stairwell again. Apparently the most recent girl to waltz through the revolving door of his love life is Akemi Endo. She and Itch are in a corner, leaning against the wall, gazing into each other’s eyes. By all appearances, the school could explode around them and they wouldn’t notice, which is strange. Something is different about this girl—about the way Itch is with this girl.

It’s the gazing.

Itch’s tongue isn’t in her mouth. His hands aren’t roving over her body. They aren’t even holding hands. They’re just looking at each other.

There’s a twist in my gut, a painful squeeze that holds and then goes away, leaving me even emptier than before.

? ? ?

I turn the corner into the main lobby as, across the crowded room, Oliver comes down the stairs. I pull back to wait him out, but as I do, sadness washes over me. Sorrow that isn’t for me, but for him.

Oliver’s hair is combed neatly and he’s wearing a suit, but that’s not why I’m sad. It’s because of his tie. His maroon tie. It’s a “power color.”

Oliver is going for an interview at the bank. He’s letting his soul be crushed by the immense weight of his future.

A future in which I am nowhere to be found.

? ? ?

“What?” I look at Shaun, surprised, as he turns the wheel to guide us out of the school parking lot. “When did he do it?”

“A couple weeks ago.”

“But it was such a big deal,” I say. “It meant everything. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Shaun shrugs. “It was anticlimactic.”

We pull onto the main road and head toward my house. “Spill,” I command Shaun. “What happened?”

“Kirk sat down at the dinner table for chicken casserole. He said he had something to tell them, and everything got really quiet. His dad put down the serving spoon and his mom clasped her hands together, and they waited. He said that was awful, the waiting part.” Shaun smiles. “Kirk said it all came out of his mouth in a babbling stream, about how someday he wants a house in the suburbs and some kids and a dog, but that he’s not going to want a wife. He’ll want a husband.”

Even though I’ve never met Kirk, I can picture it. The tablecloth, the silverware, the hush of his parents. “What did they say?”

“Kirk thought there’d be some sort of Lutheran hellfire raining down, but it was nothing like that. His parents looked at each other and smiled, and then his mom said, ‘Thanks for telling us, honey.’ His dad said he’d better bring up his grade in math if he wants to afford a house in the suburbs. And that was it.”

My shoulders relax. “They already knew.”

“Yeah.”

“Kinda like if you asked him to prom,” I say. “Not a big deal at all.”

Shaun shakes his head. “It’s been too long. We missed our chance.”