Ship It(76)

I open Jamie’s Twitter and consider sending some tweets. But I don’t. I just change the password back to his original one and close out of the app.

I check the time. I have twenty minutes until the finale airs. I should get to the park if I’m going to watch it, but I was going to watch it with Tess, we were going to snuggle under a blanket. I wonder if she’s still going. I wonder if she even ever wants to see me again.

I open up a blank text to her, and I think a long time before deciding what to say. Finally, I text, I’m sorry. I was an ass. and send it.

I stare at my phone, willing the little ellipses to appear. Three minutes later, they do. My heart leaps, and I inch to the edge of my seat, my foot tapping uncontrollably on the carpet as I wait for her message to appear.

Finally, it comes: I was an ass, too. I should never have outed you like that. I’ve been beating myself up over it ever since.

I type back: My mom was chill about it.

Then, because that doesn’t seem like I’m standing up for myself enough, I add: But I’m not, like, ready to make any big declarations about that stuff. Not yet.

I chew on my lower lip as I wait for her to respond. Finally, she writes, My friends were definitely NOT chill.

I wince and type, I’m sorry again.

Then I add, I told Jamie to add some more characters of color fwiw. I’m not telling you in order to get credit or anything, it’s just… you were right. I wasn’t focused on anything but myself.

She writes back, You talked to Jamie???

I type, I have a lot to tell you.

She writes, I wish I could talk, but I’m going over to Harper’s house tonight for an emergency slumber party. Everyone’s coming. We have some stuff to talk out.

My heart sinks. So you’re not coming to the finale watch party? I can’t believe she would miss it. For a slumber party?

Her text comes back. Tell me what happens.

She’s not coming.

It’s fine, though, it’s fine. I’ve watched every other Demon Heart episode alone, I can watch this one alone, too. And I won’t even be alone, I’ll be in a crowd of Demon Heart fans! So it’s fine. I try to tell myself I won’t even miss her, but I know it’s a lie.


The park is packed with people, sitting on lawn chairs and blankets, sharing snacks and bottles of wine and sparkling waters. It’s a cool night, with a breeze coming off Puget Sound, but the skies are clear. The vibe is high energy, everyone’s excited, buzzing for what’s going to happen. Maybe this is too much. I start to wonder if maybe I should just go home and watch it on my hotel TV. What if people talk during it? What if the sound quality is bad? I like to be able to really immerse myself in the episode, and what if I won’t be able to do that here? Also, most of the good watching spots are taken. I start to feel the hollow knot of anxiety building in my chest, and I’m thinking about turning around and running back to the hotel when I hear a voice call out to me.

“Claire, hey!”

I turn around, and a tall guy in a rubber mask is coming up behind me. I frown—I recognize the mask. It’s a replica of an evil alien bounty hunter from Star Command. The guy lifts the mask just enough and I see Rico, grinning at me. He holds a finger to his lips—“Shh”—and drops the mask again. I’m weirdly comforted to see him. A friendly face in this crowd.

“I’m undercover,” he says. “I wanted to come see what the turnout is like. Pretty good crowd. God, I love events like this, don’t you? Can’t you just feel the energy?” He shakes his arms like he’s buzzing with electricity.

I have to laugh. “Yeah, I guess I can.”

He puts a hand on my back, strong and stable, and all I want to do is close my eyes and lean into it. He opens his arms to offer a hug, and I take it, sinking into his body and letting him envelop me, smelling his body through the soft cotton of his flannel shirt, feeling his warmth take off the chill from the wind, his rubber mask bending over the top of my head.

“You’re okay,” he says.

This whole trip has been so many ups and downs, and it’s been easy to forget that I’m just a Demon Heart fan and right now I’m standing in the arms of Heart, feeling his blood pump against my cheek, holding him around his waist, listening to him tell me that I’m going to be okay.

This is the actual, literal fantasy.

“Hey, I gotta get going before someone susses out who I am from the mole on my neck or something,” he says into the top of my head, but he doesn’t let go yet.

“Okay,” I say, and I take a long slow breath in and then let it out and I release him.

“Have fun, Claire. And no matter what happens tonight, remember that you’re doing just fine,” he says, pulling away but letting his arm linger on my back as long as he can before he’s gone.

Then he disappears into the crowd, and I turn back toward the screen and find a place to sit down. The group of friends next to me lend me their extra blanket to sit on and offer me a slice of their pizza. I take it, feeling grateful for the generosity of fans. I wonder what Rico means by “no matter what happens tonight.” What’s going to happen?

The screen comes to life and the crowd cheers. I hear the familiar theme music pick up as the “Previously on…” begins, and I can’t help it. Something in my heart twirls around and those old feelings come right back. Smokey and Heart share a charged moment on-screen, and the whole park cheers and hoots at the pure, unbridled shippiness of the moment.