Ship It(68)

The food comes and I talk between bites. I tell her how I was hoping the panel yesterday would pan out, how I only have one day left before I go home, how this is my last chance to convince Jamie. I have to figure out how to make SmokeHeart a reality—it’s my last shot.

“It sounds like you have to sit down with Jamie—make your case,” Caty says.

“You said before that that wouldn’t work!”

“I said cornering him on the bus wouldn’t work, but if you really lay it out for him? Explain everything?” She shrugs. “You never know. You’re pretty convincing.”

“Yeah, well, even if I wanted to, I don’t know how to get him to meet with me. He avoids me at every turn. I don’t know what to do, short of kidnapping him and holding him hostage.”

Caty’s eyes light up.

I laugh. “What, you think I should kidnap him?”

“No, of course not, but—” she says slowly, like she’s thinking this through as she speaks. “You could kidnap something of his until he agrees to speak to you.”

“What do you mean, like his shoes? His toothbrush?” I snort. “He’s, like, rich. Whatever I take, he’ll just buy another one rather than talk to me.”

“It doesn’t have to be a physical item,” Caty says, her eyes gleaming. And I start to get a little scared, and a little excited, because for the first time I might have met someone more devious than me, and she’s willing to help.

Caty outlines her idea, and I have to admit, it’s pretty extreme, but it would definitely get his attention.

“Why are you helping me?” I ask, taking a bite of my mac and cheese.

Caty smiles crookedly. “Bunch of reasons, I guess. Because you’re right, that Smokey and Heart is, like, the natural direction for the show to go in, and those two studs would look hot as hell together. Also Jamie’s an asshole, and I want to see you take him down a few pegs.” She shrugs. “But also? I like you and I want you to be happy.”

I poke at the last bites of food on my plate. “Are we friends, Caty?”

Caty pulls her napkin out from under her wineglass, writes something on it, and slides it over to me.

“What’s this?”

“That’s my personal Tumblr. Not only are we friends, now we’re also mutuals. Don’t show that to anyone or I’ll take back my internship offer,” she says.

I run my thumb over the napkin’s rough surface, then fold it carefully and put it in my pocket, marveling at how many people have called me their friend on this trip.

Caty starts signing the check. “Speaking of friends, I’ve been meaning to ask, where’s that other fangirl you’ve been hanging around with?”

Oh. Tess. Well. “You know about her?” I didn’t realize anyone was keeping track of me like that.

“Sure! News travels fast at a con. You know, everyone is rooting for you guys.”

The news brings unexpected tears to my eyes as the pain of our fight yesterday floods back.

“Oh man, I’m sorry. Did something happen?” Caty puts her hands out, but doesn’t touch me, not sure what to do.

And maybe it’s because I’m tired, so tired, or because I can’t talk about it with my mom, or just because she’s been so nice to me, but something makes me trust Caty.

“Can I ask you a question?” I say.

“Yeah, of course.”

“I’m just wondering if you’re at all, in any way…” I run my hand over my mouth and let out a big breath. Caty waits for me to finish. “I’m wondering if you’re gay.”

Her face flashes a look of heartbreak as she realizes what I’m asking, which eventually turns into a smile.

“What gave it away?” she asks, looking down at her wild outfit, running her fingers over her furry pink vest. “Is it the clothes? The give-no-fucks attitude? The so-sexy-she-can’t-possibly-be-straight hotness?”

“I just hoped…”

She nods. “Yeah, I am. Bisexual.”

I let out a breath, a weird relief falling over me. “When did you know? Like, for sure for sure know?”

“I mean, god,” she says, “I’m twenty-four now, and I still sometimes second-guess it. I think knowing is overrated.” She sweeps her curls out of her eyes and looks off. “It’s okay not to know. Just because I like both boys and girls doesn’t mean I’m attracted to literally everyone in the world. I still get to decide who I like and who I don’t. It doesn’t define me.”

I get all that, it makes sense. But it also doesn’t really help me with my current situation. I slouch down and let my head tip back against the chair and talk to the ceiling. “It’s just… Tess. She’s pressuring me to, you know, like, come out.”

Caty takes a moment to sip her wine before she replies.

“There’s no time limit,” she says finally. “Take as long as you want. Sometimes it helps people to have a name for what they feel. But if it helps you to leave it open, and not decide on a label… that’s fine, too. And if Tess is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do… there are other girls. Or boys. Or whoever.”

I nod, but I feel a pang of sadness at the very idea of leaving Tess behind. Even though we fought, I still like having her around. I wish she were helping me today, with Jamie. I wish she were here right now, to hear this.