Ship It(54)

My chest feels tight, so I turn onto my back and look at the ceiling and breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, long, slow breaths.

I don’t know how Tess does it. She seems to know exactly what she is, and who she likes, and why. When did she acquire this certainty? And how can I get some of it to rub off on me?

My cheeks flush in the darkness at the phrase rub off, and I shake the visual from earlier that night away.

Because what if… what if I’m not actually queer? What if I come out to everyone I know, but then I realize later that this was just a weird night and after this I never kiss another girl? Then what? Then do I have to re–come out as straight? Take it all back? And who would believe me? Everyone I know already thinks I’m gay just because I ship slash and I like to talk about it. I mean, I could never come back from that.

How are you supposed to know? I mean, really know, like for sure know? Know enough to tell your mom, who will surely freak out and want to bake a cake or something? Know enough to call yourself gay—in public or even in private, even in your own head?

I don’t know. What if I never know? What if I feel like this forever?

Here’s one thing I do know: I know that Smokey and Heart are in love.

When I realize that, I can feel all the muscles in my body relax. My shoulders press into the mattress, my eyelids finally soften. This I know with certainty. Sorting through all my own emotions is a mess, but Smokey and Heart’s love is no mystery.

And tomorrow I’m headed to Seattle. My last stop, my last chance to make sure the world knows about them. Tonight with Tess was fun, but I can’t let something like this confuse what’s really important. I have my whole life to figure out my sexuality, but I only have another two days to try to make SmokeHeart canon.

I don’t look at Tess again, for fear I’ll lose my nerve.


I DRAG MY suitcase down the hotel hallway and curse my six a.m. wake-up call as I hit the down button for the elevator. It’s a miracle I’m functioning this morning considering how late I stayed up last night reading— No. Do not think about what you were reading.

Rico ambles up to me and slaps me on the back. “Mornin’, hot rod.”

I try not to blush, but I can already feel the blood rushing to my face. I avoid his eyes and hope he doesn’t notice.

“Hey,” I mumble. The elevator doors open, and I get on as he follows me, way too chipper for the hour.

“What’s up with you this morning?” he asks.

“Nothing, late night.”

“Oh man, I fell asleep at like nine watching QVC. Good thing, too, because I was one more caller away from ordering a squid-ink anti-aging facial serum and moisturizer set.”

I really wish he wouldn’t say facial right now. Or serum.

“What do you think?” he asks, touching the skin next to his eyes gently. “Do my wrinkles make me look distinguished or elderly?”

I ignore him because the elevator doors just opened to the lobby and I see Claire… and she’s not alone. She’s with this girl who must be Tess. A smile grows from deep inside me. Rico follows my gaze.

“Who’s the chick with the badass haircut?”

“I’m guessing that’s Claire’s date from last night.”

“Her date?” Rico’s eyebrows shoot up. “And she’s still here?” Rico looks over at them and chuckles. “Well, well, well.”

Claire and Tess are taking a quiet moment to themselves, talking by the front doors, oblivious to us watching. Claire tucks her hair behind her ears and says something that makes Tess laugh. Claire looks nervous, and that’s even more adorable.

“They’re cute together, aren’t they?” I say, and Rico just laughs. “What?” He shakes his head. “What, man?”

He looks at me, endlessly amused, his eye crinkles on full display, and I think, Don’t get the squid ink serum, dude, you’re fine without it, and he says, “You ship them.” Oh my god, I would be happy to never hear the word ship again in my life, but Claire looks so cute talking to Tess that I can’t help it.

He’s right, I kind of ship it.

Rico knocks my shoulder. “Go say hi, you dummy.”

I tug my suitcase toward them, trying to think of what I’m going to say, but Claire’s mom, Trudi, swoops in before I can get there and interrupts their moment.

“Claire, stop dillydallying and get on the bus! We don’t want to make these nice people wait on us,” Trudi hollers as she wheels her suitcase past us on her way toward the doors. It breaks Claire and Tess from their bubble, and they notice me hovering.

“Looking good, Forest!” Trudi says with a wink.

“Good morning, Trudi.”

“It is now, sweet potato.” She wheels her suitcase out the doors toward the idling charter bus waiting outside.

I turn to Claire. “Who’s this?” I ask with a big smile.

Claire looks nervous, like she doesn’t want to be here right now, but I figure she’s just embarrassed to introduce her new girlfriend to me.

Claire says, “Forest, this is Tess.”

Tess is staring at me, agape. Oh yeah. I’m famous. I forgot for a second.

“Hi,” I say, and put my hand out. She shakes it, trembling. This is not the cool, confident girl Claire described to me last night. I guess I have that effect. Claire looks bleary-eyed and unimpressed, but hey, I also remember a time not so long ago when Claire was nervous around me, too—standing up at that convention in Boise, voice wavering, scared shitless. Now look at her, a little hellion, getting in my way, bossing me around. How quickly they grow up.