Ship It(5)

Annoyingly, I can’t stop thinking about what Kyle said. Am I in love with the guys in Demon Heart? Maybe. Rico Quiroz and Forest Reed, who play Heart and Smokey, are undeniably attractive people. I’ve spent more than a few afternoons gazing at pictures of them, the slope of their jawlines, the rough texture of their stubble, the swell of their lips.

Rico, the older one, has amazing dark curly hair, an open face, perfect soft brown skin, and an easy smile. He comes off as approachable, kind, warm. I can see why fans are always tweeting Dad at him—I want him to rub my back and tell me I’m doing a good job, I want him to teach me how to fix my car, my problems. In my favorite fantasy, I imagine myself sitting across from him as he reads my college admissions essay, then looks up over it to tell me he thinks I’m going to do great things. I trust him, even though I’ve never met him.

Forest is the younger of the two. Under his wavy blond hair, he has these incredibly expressive watery blue eyes that betray how broken he is inside no matter how tough he’s trying to be. He’s lean where Rico is broad, young where Rico is experienced, serious where Rico is quick to laugh. Forest has these long, strong arms—I imagine, if I were falling off a cliff and holding on with only my fingers, he could reach down and effortlessly pull me to safety with one hand. After which, I would melt into his chest in gratitude, but he would refuse to kiss me because he wouldn’t want to take advantage. He would insist on taking me out on a date first.

But here’s where the fantasy falls apart. Do I want to date Forest Reed? It’s hard to imagine kissing Smokey’s lips when I’ve pictured them kissing Heart so many times.

Am I in love with Smokey and Heart? Or am I in love with their love?

After my run-in with the popular farm kid brigade, I feel tight, like an overfilled balloon. If anyone touched me right now, I would pop right in their face. The bus turns left onto a farm access road. Even though I live in a small town, I still have twenty minutes until I get home, thanks to circuitous rural bus routes. I don’t have the energy to start a conversation with Joanie today and inevitably hear about her horses or whatever she’s learning in Bible study that week, so I rub my eyes under my glasses and do what I always do when I need to calm down—I cycle through my mental rolodex of fics and pick one.

In episode nine of Demon Heart, there’s this scene where Smokey is tailing a gnarly demon, and he watches him enter a roadside bar. Then the show time cuts to several hours later, after dark, as Smokey watches the bad guy leave the bar… with Heart. At first you’re supposed to think Heart is cavorting with the enemy, but then there’s a twist where they reveal that Smokey and Heart are collaborating to bring down the bad guy. It’s the first time Smokey and Heart work together, so it’s a big moment for their relationship. And there’s this four-hour gap of time that’s unaccounted for. In my circles, we call that a fanfiction gap. I’ve read a hundred fics that take place in those few hours—imagining the conversation that must have occurred between them to get them to team up, and I’ve written a few myself. Today, I mentally pull up my favorite. It’s one of mine, because the only way to make sure someone writes exactly the fic you want to read is to do it yourself.

I skip to the best part because it’s my head and I get to do what I want. Blah, blah, blah, Smokey confronts Heart in the bathroom of the roadside bar. Heart wants to work together, Smokey is dubious. They talk, then argue, then fight, then Heart pins Smokey against the wall of the bathroom, and I stop fast-forwarding and enter slo-mo.

Their eyes find each other. The energy changes. All that struggle, all that energy, falls away. This thing they’re both fighting, they look it in the face for the first time.

Smokey licks his lips.

Heart glances at his mouth.

They’re so close already, breathing each other’s air, the next move either a punch or a—

Smokey leans in and they’re kissing and my stomach does backflips.

It never ceases to work. That zhoom feeling that I assume people get when someone you like actually kisses you. But who needs all the drama and the herpes and the hurt feelings of the real thing when you can get that same feeling reading a great fic?

I feel myself relax. Like a crumpled paper getting smoothed out. SmokeHeart always makes me feel better, like the world is manageable and love is real. There are only a few episodes of Demon Heart left in season one, and it feels like they’re building to something. The SmokeHeart vibes get stronger with every episode, and I’m not the only one who thinks so—the entire fandom is practically buzzing with anticipation about what’s going to happen in the season finale. A lot of people came to Demon Heart from other fandoms where they had gotten their hopes up about a gay ship and been disappointed. But Demon Heart feels different. Everything they’ve built so far, all the dominoes they’ve laid—it all feels like they’ll start tumbling into place soon. This time, this time, SmokeHeart might be real. The ship might go canon. And then everything will be okay.

“Claire.” Joanie nudges me. The bus has pulled over and the driver is looking at me.

Back to reality. It’s my stop.


“THAT’S LUNCH, FOLKS,” the 1st AD hollers.

“Wait, really?” I ask as Rico reaches a hand down to help me up. We’ve been shooting this fight sequence all morning and my muscles are aching for a break, but I didn’t think that last take worked. “I wasn’t sure we got it, do you think we got it?”