She Drives Me Crazy(57)

Mom takes a deep breath. We all know she and Thora don’t keep things from each other, especially not where Daphne and me are concerned. It’s a remnant from the time when it was just the two of them. I already know Mom will tell Thora about me even if I don’t tell her myself.

“Come sit,” Mom says, her voice carefully controlled. She turns and bellows upstairs for Daphne, who opens her door immediately.

My cheeks go hot. Telling Thora is one thing, but telling Daphne?

“Mom,” I say meaningfully.

“We don’t have secrets in this family,” Mom says. “When one of us hurts, we all hurt.”

I swallow and avoid my sisters’ eyes as they settle in the family room with us. There’s a protracted silence, but no one steps in to fill it. The focus is entirely on me. There’s no way out of this.

I take a deep breath and tell the story all over again, finishing with the New Year’s Eve party and the picture Charlotte showed Irene today.

When I’m finally finished, there’s a ringing silence. Thora’s jaw is tight. Daphne looks crestfallen. Mom breathes carefully through her nose while Dad rubs his mouth mechanically.

“That’s pretty fucked, Scottie,” Thora says finally.

“Thora,” Mom reprimands.

“Thanks for those wise and compassionate words,” I say thickly. I round on my mom. “Do you see why I didn’t want to tell her? She’s judgmental about everything.”

“I’m being judgmental because this is not the Scottie I know,” Thora snaps.

“Yeah, well, the Scottie you know was heartbroken and hurting, but you didn’t want to hear about that. You only wanted to point out how shitty Tally was.”

“Because she was shitty.”

“From your perspective, maybe she was. But can you please consider that maybe I saw things worth loving in her? That before she broke my heart, she built me up into the best version of myself?”

“I don’t get it,” Daphne cuts in. Her voice is soft and quiet. “I’ve always thought you were amazing. Why did you need Tally to show you that?”

That’s when I start sobbing again.

Mom and Dad meet me on my couch. Dad lets me cry into his shoulder while Mom strokes my arm. My sisters fold themselves onto the floor below us and wait. It’s a piercing, intimate moment: the five of us packed together in a three-foot radius, the Christmas tree lit up in the background, Pickles pawing curiously at my socks.

By the time I stop sobbing, I’m sweating through my practice sweatshirt. Mom brushes the hair out of my eyes. Daphne squeezes my foot.

“It’s heartbreaking for us to hear you say these things,” Mom says. “Not just because we’re disappointed, but because of the deeper issues going on here. When did you stop feeling worthy, Scottie?”

I sniff and turn away from her. “I didn’t realize I had.” Thora gets up and brings me a tissue box, and I take one without meeting her eyes. “Tally left and it was like this giant hole opened up.”

“In your heart?” Daphne asks.

I run my fingers up and down my sternum. “Everywhere.”

Dad rubs his mouth again. “I think you lost yourself in Tally a bit.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I say, still trying to get my breathing under control. “I loved her so much. I thought she was perfect. When I started seeing things I wasn’t so sure about, I thought the problem was me and my way of looking at things. It felt like I couldn’t tell the ceiling from the floor.”

“You have good intuition, honey. You’re allowed to trust it,” Mom says. “And you are very, very worthy. You’re worthy of love you feel good about. Not just from a girl, but from yourself.”

“Mom’s right,” Dad says. “And we can tell you that all day long, but the belief has to come from you.”

“But how do I do that?”

They’re quiet, thinking.

“Mom,” Thora says suddenly, “remember when you took up gardening?”

Mom smiles knowingly. She nods like she’s giving Thora permission.

“I don’t remember the divorce,” Thora says. “I was only, like, three. But I do remember that Mom was always outside, planting in the dirt, and she always had the best smile on her face afterward.” She grins at our mom. “Remember what you’d tell me?”

“Yes. You’d ask why I liked gardening so much, and I’d tell you that I was spending time with myself because I love myself.”

“That always stuck with me. And when Buck came around, you still gardened just as much.”

“It lit her up from the inside out,” Dad says. He smiles at Mom the way he always does: like she makes the sun come out. “That’s what love is, Scottie. It’s letting someone be themselves.”

I swallow down more tears. “I don’t think Tally and I did that for each other.”

“No.”

“But I was so in love with her. I always had butterflies when she was around. I still kind of do.”

“Are the butterflies entirely gentle?” Mom asks. “Or do some of them hurt?”

I bite my lip. My family nods knowingly.

“In my experience,” Dad says, “butterflies aren’t always the best compass.”