Select (Select #1)(19)
I didn’t think I’d heard him correctly. “Excuse me?”
“As we get close to Relocation, I assess everyone,” Novak continued. “For our protection and longevity, individuals who aren’t committed don’t move on with us.”
“You’re saying I’m not coming?” I felt jolted into a hyperreality, scared out of my mind.
“No,” Novak said hastily, “for now, you’re simply going to a different school—a public school. You need to comprehend exactly what you did, Julia. Feel how it is to be on your own in their world and show me you can earn your way back. Prove to me that you listen to rules, that you won’t influence others. In December you’ll be eighteen, an adult. Show me you can be an asset to the group, that you would never threaten everyone’s safety.”
“What about everyone else from today? Is anyone coming with me?”
“No,” he said simply. In our culture, isolation was the biggest insult there was.
How had I become the scapegoat? What about Angus, who assaulted a cop? Novak stood, finished with our conversation. I didn’t move. Here was my chance to tell him what an asset I could potentially be, that I wasn’t the juvenile delinquent everyone seemed to think I was. I knew Victoria was standing outside the door listening. I wasn’t sure when or if I would ever get this audience with my father again.
“So—”
“No, Julia.” He stopped me. “You know I have to put the group first. Even above my own daughter. This is about you putting your ego in check.”
What ego? I wondered angrily. I hadn’t been showing off when I jumped in the water to rescue Liv. His accusation gave me pause. It wasn’t the right time, and I was almost relieved not to have to tell him. It was safer to take the punishment than to risk him reacting unpredictably.
I found my voice again. “Where am I going?”
“Kendra will get in touch with you with the details,” he said, referring to his latest assistant. Novak’s eyes rested on my wild ones. “Think of yourself as our ambassador. Show them we are just like them, no differences. You’ll learn self-control. Before you know it, it will be June and everyone will be appeased and assured you belong with us.”
So he was delivering this punishment to make other people happy as well. Everyone hated me, apparently.
“Julia, I have faith in you. Show me you want this.”
The funny thing was, no one wanted it more. I had rebelled over the past year, but there was never any question in my mind that I wanted to be a member of this group. That’s all I’d ever wanted, since it had never seemed like a given for me. Since I was a little girl, I’d wished I was exactly like them.
I thought we were done, so I wasn’t prepared for the last insult. “Also, Victoria wants you to give Liv some space. I don’t know if it was hanging out with your friends today or a first rebellion, but Liv needs to refocus.”
I was incredulous. “You’re asking me to stay away from my sister? We live in the same house.”
“More like telling you to. Obviously, you will sleep here, but we’d like you to spend less time at the house. For Liv’s sake. We know you invited her to go with you today.”
I didn’t bother to correct that misinformation, because I was stunned he was asking me to stay away from my own home. That must have been Victoria’s request.
“But I’m one of you.” It came out pathetic and bold at the same time. “Novak”—his eyes snapped to mine at my use of his name—“I saved Liv today.”
He shifted his position again and looked out the window. “You broke rules by going out in public as a group, you were the one who started these challenges that could have killed your sister, and then you made a scene. People who were there believe they witnessed a miracle when Liv came to. That endangers all of us.”
The finality and horror of what was taking place hit me. I had to do everything he asked. I had to stay away from my sister and from my de facto family of the Lost Kids. I had to become the outcast. I couldn’t give them a single excuse to leave me.
My dad stood up. “So we’re clear? I want you to start the school year at your new school. No discussion about this with anyone. I’ll be the one to explain what’s happening.”
Victoria walked into the office, cutting off the conversation. She crossed the room to perch next to my father. She looked more beautiful without makeup, but also more worn and tired.
I stood up, my legs visibly quaking as I turned to leave the room. To my shame, tears filled my eyes, and both Victoria and Novak saw. Another flaw, another failure.
When the office door shut behind me, I had the physical sensation of being kicked out of their world. I was headed to the one that lay outside the gates—ugly and a complete unknown.
SEPTEMBER
I turned off the car and sat stock-still, the hair on the back of my neck raised, my breath ragged. I was in the west parking lot of Austin High after getting briefly lost, even though Novak’s assistant had provided me with a folder containing everything I needed to know: a map of campus with the parking lot and my classrooms highlighted on it, the list of my classes, how afterschool sports worked. My tennis gear sat in the trunk—playing tennis was my way of getting out of PE. I wondered what Kendra thought about all of this. Ironically Kendra, the regular person, was now less of an outsider than I was.