See Me(88)

After lunch, Serena and her parents headed off to Maria’s uncle’s house, an informal family get-together like countless others, but Maria begged off, claiming she had a headache and wanted to take a nap. While her dad accepted the explanation without question, Maria’s mother was dubious, though she knew enough not to press her. On the way out the door, she hugged Maria longer than usual and asked how things were going with Colin. The sound of his name brought a sudden wellspring of tears, and on her way to the car, Maria thought, I’ve officially become a basket case.

Even concentrating enough to drive was strangely difficult. Despite the traffic, all she could think was that someone was watching her, waiting for her to return… or maybe he was even following her now. Impulsively, she changed lanes and made a quick turn onto a side street, her eyes glued to the rearview mirror. She turned again, then once more before finally pulling over. And though she wanted to be strong – pleaded with God to help her be strong – she found herself bent over the steering wheel, sobbing.

Who was he and what did he want? The nameless, faceless man in the baseball cap – why hadn’t she looked for him? All she remembered were shadows and fragments, nothing at all…

But there was more, too, something that kept her anxious and on the verge of tears. Without thinking, she put the car in gear and started driving, eventually making her way to a quiet stretch of Carolina Beach.

The day was cool and the breeze held the nip of the coming winter as she walked the sand. Clouds had rolled in, white and gray, and it felt like impending rain. The waves rolled in calming rhythm, and as she walked, she finally felt her thoughts beginning to settle long enough for a bit of clarity to emerge.

She wasn’t on edge simply because she was being followed. Nor was she merely reliving the fears she’d felt for Colin as he’d stood with the police officers with the rest of his life hanging in the balance. She saw now that she was also afraid of Colin, and as sick as the thought made her feel, she couldn’t push the feeling away.





Knowing that she needed to talk to Colin, Maria drove to Evan’s. When Colin opened the door to his apartment, she saw that he had been studying at the small kitchen table. Though he invited her in, she declined, the interior of his place appearing suddenly claustrophobic. Instead, they went to Evan’s porch, each taking a seat in a rocking chair as the rain began to fall.

Colin perched on the edge of his seat, forearms resting on his legs. He looked tired, the last twenty-four hours obviously taking a toll. He did nothing to break the silence, and for a moment, Maria wasn’t even sure where to begin.

“I’ve been on edge ever since last night,” she ventured, “so if I’m not making much sense, it’s probably because my thoughts are still jumbled.” She drew a breath. “I mean, I know you were just trying to help me. But Lily was right. Even though I believe you when you say that you weren’t going to hurt the waitress, the way you were acting told a different story.”

“I almost lost control.”

“No,” she said. “You did lose control.”

“I can’t control my emotions. The only thing I can control is my behavior, and I didn’t touch her.”

“Don’t try to minimize what happened.”

“I’m not trying to minimize it.”

“What if you get angry with me?”

“I would never hurt you.”

“And like the waitress, I might end up terrified and in tears anyway. If you’d acted like that toward me, I’d never want to talk to you again. And then, with Evan…”

“I didn’t do anything to Evan.”

“But had it been anyone else who grabbed you – a guy you didn’t know – you wouldn’t have been able to stop, and you know it. Just like Margolis said.” She made sure to hold his gaze. “Or are you going to lie to me for the first time and say I’m wrong?”

“I was scared for you. Because the guy was there.”

“But what you did didn’t make it better.”

“I just wanted to find out what he looked like.”

“And you don’t think I do?” she said, raising her voice. “But tell me this – what if he’d still been there? Just sitting at the bar? What would you have done then? Do you honestly believe that you were capable of having a reasonable conversation with him? No. You would have overreacted, and right now, you’d be in prison.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You already apologized.” She hesitated. “As much as we’ve discussed your past and as much as I thought I knew you, I realize that I don’t. Last night, you weren’t the guy I fell in love with, or even a guy I would have dated. Instead, I saw someone that – in my past – I would have gladly put away.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “All I know is that I don’t have the energy to start worrying that you’ll do something dumb and throw your life away, or that you’ll end up frightening me because something inside you suddenly switches on.”

“It’s not your job to worry about me.”

At his comment, she flushed, all her fears and anxieties and anger rising to the surface like an air bubble moving through water.